Usually when I think about what I want to write here, I want to make you laugh. I don't feel much like laughing today. Nothing is wrong, but something is wrong. Does that make sense?
I'm finding more and more that there is something missing from my life and I'm trying to fix it by being in control and always fixing everything around me. Maybe then I won't notice that I need fixing more than anything.
I recently started attending a new church. I've gone there a few times in the past but didn't really connect with the pastor. They have a new pastor now so I thought I would try again. I got online to try to find out what time the service was but it wasn't listed, I thought it was 10:30 so I decided to go at 10:15 and be either 15 minutes early or 15 minutes late, whatever.
I was right about the time so I was early. I made sure to let the pastor's wife know the time was not on the website. I spent the entire service making a list of things that could be done to "improve" the church.
It wasn't until I was home that I realized, the church is perfect the way it is, I just need to stop fixing things that aren't broken in an attempt to ignore what is really broken.
So, this is a month of change for me. Big changes. I'm going to do some things I've never done, take some chances that never seemed possible, and try to fix what is missing.
I bought a question a day journal several years ago and writing in it every night I see the same things repeated over and over again. For the last two years changes have been needed but I've been comfortable and knew that the changes I need would not be comfortable,so nothing has changed. That stops now.
March 1st I will be on the road to find out who I am, where I'm going and what is really important to me. These changes may not seem dramatic or scary to anyone else but they will take away my stability and security, and those are things that I've always needed above just about anything else.
As it gets closer, I'll talk about it more, for now, I'm getting excited that I'm going to fix me instead of the rest of the world.