Monday, June 4, 2012

Zumba, alcohol and how my kids are trying to kill me

What's this? Two posts in two days? More evidence the Zombie Apocalypse is upon us. Anyway, I'm in kind of a rambling mood today so I'm afraid you are going to get whatever is rolling around in my head.

This is the story of how Josh and Hailey tried to kill me without even knowing it.

Since Hailey moved out and got married I've been thinking that I need to take better care of myself. The outward excuse is so that I am around to play with my grandkids, the real reason is the same reason any of us want to live to be old, to be a burden to our children. They'd like it if I just kicked the bucket and they could have custody of my cute little one eyed dog but I'm on to them, so I'm getting healthy.

Walking is my preferred form of exercise, there's no real sweating involved and there are usually benches and snow cone shacks along the way. But since Hailey moved out I've become kind of a hermit as well so I thought I should probably use that rec center membership that I have. Take some classes, interact with other human beings and get a kick ass body in the process.  You can stop laughing now, I can hear you.

Anyway, tonight was Zumba night!!!! You gotta say it with the exclamation marks because that is how everyone describes it. Zumba is fun!! Zumba is awesome!!! I can't wait to go back!!!! And the instructors, they have painted on smiles, that damn tiny little girl in the yoga pants never stopped smiling.

How bad can it be? I walked in the class, happy to be among my people, these were not skinny, toned little girls, these were women in the prime of their lives who have born a few children and eaten some cheesecake along the way.

Ten minutes in, I thought I was gonna die! First let me say, I have no rhythm. It's funny because every time I go to the bar, after a couple drinks, I got it going on. You have no idea how sexy I am. That was not the case with Zumba.

Somehow in ten minutes that skinny little instructor turned me into a sweaty, humpbacked whale version of Elaine from Seinfeld. I never thought I would make it through the whole hour, the only thing that kept me going was I was not giving the kids the satisfaction of dying while I was trying to get healthy enough to be a pain in their asses.

I'm home now, I just had a cigarette and a glass of wine so I've cancelled out any health benefits I might have gotten. While I was drinking my glass of wine it came to me, alcohol! That's what was missing!

Next time I'm drinking a six pack in the parking lot and I'll show that skinny girl how it's done.

Zumba!!!! I can't wait to go back!!!


  1. I was not a fan of zumba. It felt very much the way you described it. I jiggled around, completely lost for an hour. Yes, I did sweat, but really for what purpose? I enjoy a good cardio or yoga class more.

  2. And this is why I have avoided Zumba (and any other form of exercise). This girl has NO rhythm, even with alcohol in her bloodstream. And, I'm EXTREMELY klutzy too (even MORE so with alcohol). So it's best that I just sit still.

  3. I think it is important to have someone take pictures of you Zumbaing. It would be a inspiration to us all.


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