Saturday, June 9, 2012

Teenagers, I mean, hens in cages

I always read the news online and recently there was a story with the headline, “Federal Bill Would Give Nations Hens Bigger Cages.” I read it wrong, I thought it said teens, not hens.

First I was mad, if I had known I could have kept Hailey in a cage all this time, a whole lotta shit would have been different. I started daydreaming about how I could have put bars all around the basement, she would have had a large cage, with it's own bathroom.

Then, because my mind has a mind of it's own, I started thinking about how we could decorate the cage to make it more homey. I also thought about how much money I would have saved if I kept her in a cage. No second car, no school dances, no expensive jeans that everyone else is wearing and that purse that cost me $100, that wouldn’t have happened.

Then I read the headline again and was disappointed, I thought we were on to something there. We could probably even fix the mortgage crisis if more people could keep their teenagers in cages instead of letting them hang out with other kids. Teenagers are expensive, and in a flock, they are much more trouble than hens.

Not that I would ever put my child in a cage. I mean other people, people who's teenagers aren't perfect like mine. Oh, just nevermind.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Zumba, alcohol and how my kids are trying to kill me

What's this? Two posts in two days? More evidence the Zombie Apocalypse is upon us. Anyway, I'm in kind of a rambling mood today so I'm afraid you are going to get whatever is rolling around in my head.

This is the story of how Josh and Hailey tried to kill me without even knowing it.

Since Hailey moved out and got married I've been thinking that I need to take better care of myself. The outward excuse is so that I am around to play with my grandkids, the real reason is the same reason any of us want to live to be old, to be a burden to our children. They'd like it if I just kicked the bucket and they could have custody of my cute little one eyed dog but I'm on to them, so I'm getting healthy.

Walking is my preferred form of exercise, there's no real sweating involved and there are usually benches and snow cone shacks along the way. But since Hailey moved out I've become kind of a hermit as well so I thought I should probably use that rec center membership that I have. Take some classes, interact with other human beings and get a kick ass body in the process.  You can stop laughing now, I can hear you.

Anyway, tonight was Zumba night!!!! You gotta say it with the exclamation marks because that is how everyone describes it. Zumba is fun!! Zumba is awesome!!! I can't wait to go back!!!! And the instructors, they have painted on smiles, that damn tiny little girl in the yoga pants never stopped smiling.

How bad can it be? I walked in the class, happy to be among my people, these were not skinny, toned little girls, these were women in the prime of their lives who have born a few children and eaten some cheesecake along the way.

Ten minutes in, I thought I was gonna die! First let me say, I have no rhythm. It's funny because every time I go to the bar, after a couple drinks, I got it going on. You have no idea how sexy I am. That was not the case with Zumba.

Somehow in ten minutes that skinny little instructor turned me into a sweaty, humpbacked whale version of Elaine from Seinfeld. I never thought I would make it through the whole hour, the only thing that kept me going was I was not giving the kids the satisfaction of dying while I was trying to get healthy enough to be a pain in their asses.

I'm home now, I just had a cigarette and a glass of wine so I've cancelled out any health benefits I might have gotten. While I was drinking my glass of wine it came to me, alcohol! That's what was missing!

Next time I'm drinking a six pack in the parking lot and I'll show that skinny girl how it's done.

Zumba!!!! I can't wait to go back!!!

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Another outstanding award for Salt Lake City

I love Utah, I really do. Although I long for the green of the east coast I think that Utah is a beautiful place and a great place to raise children.

I just might have to move now though. Apparently we are the second worst dressed city in the nation. Coming in 3/10th's of a point above Anchorage where even more fashion challenged people live.

Oh, the horror of it all! Those damn polo shirts have done us in. According to a quote from the article, “ Male or female, there are only so many ways to rock a polo shirt.”

A while ago someone I know was visiting from Arizona and said that people could tell she wasn't from here by the way she dressed. Guess this is what she meant, I never saw her in a polo shirt.

I myself, am not guilty of the polo shirt debacle. I contribute in other ways, like refusing to wear a coat in the winter and instead layering on enough clothes to make it almost impossible to use the restroom in a public place.

I've also worn my fuzzy, AC/DC pajama pants to Walmart a time or two. Guess it's time to clean out my closet and help Salt Lake clean up it's image.