Monday, December 31, 2012

For 2013 I want........MORE!


This is going to be my year to live abundantly. Every year I make resolutions, every year I fail, pretty miserable actually. This year as I was gathering up the random scraps of paper to put together 2013's list of resolutions I realized something, they all involve giving up something!

Quit smoking.
Lose weight.
Stop procrastinating.
Don't be a bitch. ( I think that sticky note was from Hailey)
Stop using credit cards.
Stay out of the wine bottle.

You get the idea. Well, I'm tired of it! This year I am channelling my inner toddler and dammit I want more of everything!


Instead of listing all the things I want to give up and walking around miserable for  the 36 hours I manage to give them all up, this year, I'm only resolving to give myself MORE!!

So, for 2013 here is what I resolve:

Write more.
Read more.
Take more bubble baths.
Be more frugal.
Exercise more.
Be more creative.
Make more crafts.
Be kind more often than necessary.
Be more healthier. ( Really bad grammar, I know, I had to get more in there!)
Drink more water.
Be more positive.
Be more me rather than who I think others want me to be.
Write more letters, on pretty stationary, and actually mail them.
Spend more time with people who make me happy.
Volunteer more.
Laugh more.
Love more.
Live more.

I think I can do this! After all, how do you measure more? Most of these things if I do them twice I will be doing them more than I am now so I'm already winning!

Part of my more goal is to share all of this with you, that way if I fall down you can pick me up and kick me in the butt to get me going. Just remember the sticky note from Hailey and kick softly!

Happy New Year! May 2013 shower you with more of everything you want. Unless the things you want more of require rehab or penicillin shots at the free clinic, I have to draw the line somewhere!


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Quitting smoking is a good thing, right?

It's been almost three weeks since I had a cigarette. Which is wonderful, good for my health, I don't smell like cigarettes anymore, I'm saving money, yada yada yada. I don't think I'm going to live through it.

When I quit smoking, cause I've done it a hundred times, I get an over abundance of energy. So much energy that crack heads are like- Dude, settle the hell down!

My last post showed some things I've been making, little craft projects around the house. Well, since then I've made snowmen out of wood, read three books and built an 8x8 shelving unit for the garage, started building some stools for the kitchen and a table and chairs for a certain little boy for Christmas.

This weekend Hailey and I built a snowman with Noah, he was styling in some trash bags and Aunt Missi's socks, but hey, he had fun.



On top of that, I can't sleep in. This weekend I woke up at the leisurely hour of 6:15am, and cleaned the house, both days, because I was bored and you can't break out the saws that early in the morning.. The only reason I'm in front of the computer long enough to write this is that I'm having trouble with my song for the auction.

So, just a quick update for now, I'm going to see if I have enough wood to make a new table for Thanksgiving dinner and try to find something to wear to the auction. Exactly what does one wear to be auctioned off?


I have a feeling when I finally am able to sleep it will last for days.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

I'm back, I think, no promises though

Hello all two people who read this blog. I know it's been freaking forever since I put something up here but, you know what? Blogs have started to bore me.

I'm so tired of listening to how tough everyone's life is, what an idiot their husbands are and mostly, what whiny bitches everyone has become. Life is tough, suck it up buttercup. I'm pretty sure your mother told you life wasn't fair and if she didn't, get in the car, drive to her house and kick her in the damn shins cause as soon as you take the pacifier away you need to tell your child that life is not fair. If you still have a pacifier, that explains a lot.

Life is hard, sometimes it sucks. Get over it. The fact that you are whining about it on the Internet tells me you are better off than most of the world so shut up already.

Now that I'm finished with my little rant I have to tell you what I've been up to. I've been busy as hell! I've been following some amazing blogs where people actually do stuff instead of just whining, so I've been doing stuff! Go me!

Here's the short version- pay attention it will pass quickly-

I flew to Maryland, by myself, layovers and all to see the cutest baby ever! ( People gotta stop having babies, I think they are all the cutest baby ever!)  While there I learned how to open a bottle of wine with a screw and a hammer. This is Declan in his blog debut, just so you know, he managed to pee and poop on me while I was there, he loves me best!


Then my niece decided to come and stay with me until she gives birth to the cutest baby ever!~ ( See what I mean?) So I replaced some floors in my house- they are very lovely and laminate flooring makes you feel like Bob Villa with more beer and less manly scratching.


Then there was a whirlwind of craft projects: stuffed candy corn, a snowman, a gate for the basement stairs, a pumpkin made out of scrapbook paper and a purse.



I know, I know, I'm pretty freaking amazing. Halloween was a riot, Nancy and I were boobs- didn't see that coming did you?


Noah- cutest boy ever- was the cutest pirate ever!
 


And, on November 17th I'm going to be auctioned off to the highest bidder. It's for charity, I'll totally put out  go on a date for charity. I still have to finish my questionnaire, right now I'm stuck on the song I want to walk out to, it's a toss up between Redneck Woman and Bringing Sexy Back. What do you think?

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Ivy just keeps getting cuter


I haven't written about my little Ivy Love for a while but yesterday on Facebook her Momma shared a story and reminded me that there is always a story with Miss Ivy.

The last time she spent the night we had a blast going to the Children's Museum and playing in the fountains down town. She always says or does something funny but this story tops them all. I've copied it directly from her mother's Facebook post:

ummm, parenting failure 104... Ivy at the screen door, saying look mom i have a kitty now, can i keep it? to my utmost horror i turn to see her cuddling with a lil dead orange kitty, :((( 5 baths a long talk and a funeral later , all is well in the house of shame,,,,, ohhh my god.. will this be one of "those" stories i tell when she is older..

Only Ivy. My only question is was the kitty dead to start with or was it all that love?

Sunday, July 22, 2012

And this is why we are friends....

My friend Rae is here visiting from Arizona. We worked together a million years ago and still stay in touch. Yesterday we had a bbq with some other women that we worked with, it was so nice to see everyone.

One of the ladies that I invited, Paulette, was late. I was a little worried because she didn't have my number in case she got lost. We were all having a great time visiting so I kind of forgot about her.

 A little while later there's a knock on the door, it's Paulette. I gave her a hug and told her I thought she was lost. She said, "I've been sitting in your neighbors kitchen for fifteen minutes waiting for you to get home."

It seems Paulette went to the house directly across the street from mine. She knocked on the door several times but no one answered. Finally, she went around to the back of the house and the door was open so she went in and had a seat. She wondered why I didn't have anything ready yet.

Paulette was just about to open the fridge and see if I had any beer when the man who lives there walked in the kitchen. She scared the shit out of him. He pointed her in the right direction and she came over.

After telling us the story she said, "His name is James, he's kind of cute and I think he's single."

And that is why these women are my friends.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I know how to pick 'em



Why do I always agree to go out with the wrong guys? Sure they seem normal at the time....

Sunday Hailey had my car and I walked over to her house to get it. On the way, a guy on a motorcycle stopped  talk to me. He wound up giving me his number and saying  he would like to take me out to dinner sometime.

So, like an idiot,  I sent him a text and we were supposed to go out to dinner tonight. We were meeting at 7 and I had a long day at work, I actually had to work overtime.

Anyway, when I got home I sent him a text to confirm. No reply, so I didn't get ready, instead I finished shaving the dog.

At 7:15 I get a text:

"Sorry baby, still at work"

WTF??

First of all, don't call me baby, bitch. I'm not your baby and you just stood me up. It doesn't matter that I didn't show up either, I tried to contact him.

The picture on this post is not him, but it is how I shall remember him from now on. Never trust a guy on a motorcycle in  parking lot on Sunday. Come to think of it, all the stores were closed, what was he doing there?

Sunday, July 15, 2012

I don't have ADD, no really, I'm just thinking about Channing Tatum



Lately I've been a little depressed. Not horribly depressed, just kind of in a funk. I think sometimes things combine to make a perfect storm and kick my ass for a while.

The past year has been.....interesting, challenging, crazy.

I'm still not quite adjusted to this empty nest thing so between that and some financial issues brought on by some pay cuts, I've just been coasting.

I haven't really been involved in my life, I just kind of exist. Go to work, come home, read, go to sleep, and do it all again tomorrow.

Time for that shit to stop. It is time that I become actively engaged in my life again, this weekend was a pretty good start.

I took Hailey to see Magic Mike Friday, let me just say, Matthew who? Poor Mr. McConaughey cannot hold a candle to the beauty that is Channing Tatum. I want to eat that boy with a spoon. Anyway, the movie wasn't very good but I'd sit through nails on a chalkboard to see that ass again.



Saturday I started on some baby gifts I need to finish. I'm surrounded by babies. There are three little boys going to be born into my family in the next two months, two of them by the end of this month.



So, I made shower gifts, diaper tricycles and quilts. Then I went out with Tree, Clay and Tree's cousin Marylyn. We had a blast, danced all night, and  met a leprechaun in pink fedora who was born on the boat from Sicily to Kansas. Exactly. No one is drunk enough to believe you took a boat to Kansas.

Today, I finished the shower gifts and I'm going to go play pool. There is some re carpeting in my future because my dog thinks the carpet is her personal potty.

All in all a pretty busy start to getting back to my life. It feels good.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

My New Car

Just kidding, it's someone's pride and joy but not mine.

You know, as crazy as my neighbors make me, today, I’m thankful it’s not worse.


I recently saw this car driving around town. Just in case you think someone punked this lady, let me tell you , all this stuff is glued on this car. It’s insane. Make the pictures as large as you can so you can see all the wonderful treasures she has collected.


There is a piggy bank, some Buddah’s, a one dollar bill in plexiglass, a Nativity set, a huge nylon butterfly, a snowman, solar lanterns and candles, not to mention all the plants. The inside of the car is just as bad and when I ran into this lady in the Dollar Store, there was no doubt she was the owner of this beautiful vehicle.


I can only imagine what her yard looks like, and how annoying it would be to have her as a neighbor.

Monday, July 9, 2012

There goes the neighborhood.....


Notice the plywood covering the garage door

Well hello there, nice of you to come back since I’ve been severely neglecting my blog. I promise to do better, whatever that means.

Lots of stuff going on in my world, I bought a new car, my daughter and son in law are crazy and the dog keeps peeing on the floor. But enough about me, this is about my neighbors.

I wrote a post about them before, you can read it here, and just in case you think it’s gotten better, I’m here to tell you, the freaks are multiplying.

The house next door is a tiny three bedroom split level and there are at least eight adults and three kids living in there. The exact count is up in the air because I never see the same people twice.

They also have a camper in the backyard where a man and a woman live with an infant. Like I said, they keep multiplying.

I love kids, I really do. These kids next door make me want to send all children to reform school. They play in the street constantly, and use my driveway as a ramp. I don’t really mind, except when I come home at ten at night and my driveway is full of their toys. So full I have to park the car in the street so I can move the toys and pull in the garage. I know, it’s a pain in the ass, but not the end of the world.

Next they picked every single flower in my front flower bed. All the roses, daisies, African daisies, columbine, if it bloomed, they picked it. Needless to say I was pissed, especially since I already talked to them about it. I would talk to their parents but I’m not sure who they are.

Friday I was cleaning my car so I could trade it in and the kids are playing in my driveway and begging me to let them have all of Ivy’s toys when the boy across the street pulls in on his little motorcycle and a girl pulls in behind him on a scooter. This was a new development because I thought he was gay, not that I care, but the girl was a new twist.

Anyway, the kids all run over to them and start talking. At first it’s very innocent, “I really like your motorcycle,” and that kind of thing.

Then one of the little girls, the four year old, asked this young girl if she was going to have sex with the neighbor boy. I thought the poor girl was going to die. It went on and on, with the little kids telling her to just take off her clothes and have sex, they do it all the time.

The girl on the scooter just stood there, I think she was in shock. I finally looked over to the neighbors house where yet another person I had never seen was sitting on the porch. I asked her if she could hear the kids and then told her what they were saying.

I don’t even know what to say about this. I would like to talk to them and get them to clean things up a little but I overheard one of the guys in the back yard say “when I was in prison” in a conversation and that pretty much killed my need to confront them.

Also, there’s a weird guy over there who talks to God and waters the fence, yes the fence, not the yard because that is dead from the dogs that are running around over there.

 What do you think are the chances I could sell this house without the new owners noticing the neighbors?


A portacrib, and outhouse and a weight bench

Yes, those are actual pictures of my neighbors yard. Notice the portable crib in the backyard? Guess there’s no room in the trailer.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Teenagers, I mean, hens in cages


I always read the news online and recently there was a story with the headline, “Federal Bill Would Give Nations Hens Bigger Cages.” I read it wrong, I thought it said teens, not hens.



First I was mad, if I had known I could have kept Hailey in a cage all this time, a whole lotta shit would have been different. I started daydreaming about how I could have put bars all around the basement, she would have had a large cage, with it's own bathroom.



Then, because my mind has a mind of it's own, I started thinking about how we could decorate the cage to make it more homey. I also thought about how much money I would have saved if I kept her in a cage. No second car, no school dances, no expensive jeans that everyone else is wearing and that purse that cost me $100, that wouldn’t have happened.



Then I read the headline again and was disappointed, I thought we were on to something there. We could probably even fix the mortgage crisis if more people could keep their teenagers in cages instead of letting them hang out with other kids. Teenagers are expensive, and in a flock, they are much more trouble than hens.


Not that I would ever put my child in a cage. I mean other people, people who's teenagers aren't perfect like mine. Oh, just nevermind.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Zumba, alcohol and how my kids are trying to kill me


What's this? Two posts in two days? More evidence the Zombie Apocalypse is upon us. Anyway, I'm in kind of a rambling mood today so I'm afraid you are going to get whatever is rolling around in my head.

This is the story of how Josh and Hailey tried to kill me without even knowing it.

Since Hailey moved out and got married I've been thinking that I need to take better care of myself. The outward excuse is so that I am around to play with my grandkids, the real reason is the same reason any of us want to live to be old, to be a burden to our children. They'd like it if I just kicked the bucket and they could have custody of my cute little one eyed dog but I'm on to them, so I'm getting healthy.

Walking is my preferred form of exercise, there's no real sweating involved and there are usually benches and snow cone shacks along the way. But since Hailey moved out I've become kind of a hermit as well so I thought I should probably use that rec center membership that I have. Take some classes, interact with other human beings and get a kick ass body in the process.  You can stop laughing now, I can hear you.

Anyway, tonight was Zumba night!!!! You gotta say it with the exclamation marks because that is how everyone describes it. Zumba is fun!! Zumba is awesome!!! I can't wait to go back!!!! And the instructors, they have painted on smiles, that damn tiny little girl in the yoga pants never stopped smiling.

How bad can it be? I walked in the class, happy to be among my people, these were not skinny, toned little girls, these were women in the prime of their lives who have born a few children and eaten some cheesecake along the way.

Ten minutes in, I thought I was gonna die! First let me say, I have no rhythm. It's funny because every time I go to the bar, after a couple drinks, I got it going on. You have no idea how sexy I am. That was not the case with Zumba.

Somehow in ten minutes that skinny little instructor turned me into a sweaty, humpbacked whale version of Elaine from Seinfeld. I never thought I would make it through the whole hour, the only thing that kept me going was I was not giving the kids the satisfaction of dying while I was trying to get healthy enough to be a pain in their asses.

I'm home now, I just had a cigarette and a glass of wine so I've cancelled out any health benefits I might have gotten. While I was drinking my glass of wine it came to me, alcohol! That's what was missing!

Next time I'm drinking a six pack in the parking lot and I'll show that skinny girl how it's done.

Zumba!!!! I can't wait to go back!!!

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Another outstanding award for Salt Lake City


I love Utah, I really do. Although I long for the green of the east coast I think that Utah is a beautiful place and a great place to raise children.

I just might have to move now though. Apparently we are the second worst dressed city in the nation. Coming in 3/10th's of a point above Anchorage where even more fashion challenged people live.

Oh, the horror of it all! Those damn polo shirts have done us in. According to a quote from the article, “ Male or female, there are only so many ways to rock a polo shirt.”

A while ago someone I know was visiting from Arizona and said that people could tell she wasn't from here by the way she dressed. Guess this is what she meant, I never saw her in a polo shirt.

I myself, am not guilty of the polo shirt debacle. I contribute in other ways, like refusing to wear a coat in the winter and instead layering on enough clothes to make it almost impossible to use the restroom in a public place.

I've also worn my fuzzy, AC/DC pajama pants to Walmart a time or two. Guess it's time to clean out my closet and help Salt Lake clean up it's image.


Saturday, May 26, 2012

Thank you, Daddy


Long ago when I was just a little girl, I led a charmed life. I had a Mommy, a Daddy, a baby brother and I was surrounded by grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.

Life was good, I was my Daddy's princess and life was pretty perfect.

One day Daddy had to go far away to work somewhere called Vietnam. Daddy told me to be a good girl and listen to my Mommy and he told my brother he was the man of the house and he needed to take care of me and Mommy. Daddy was silly, my brother was just a baby!



Daddy wrote us letters, lots of letters. I learned to count by counting the X's and O's on the bottom of his letters. I didn’t' like when Daddy sent Mommy more hugs and kisses than he sent me. After all, I was the princess not Mommy!


Daddy was gone a long time and then he came home for a short visit. I was very sad when Daddy had to leave again, I missed my Daddy but he promised he would be home as soon as he could.



My father, John Mitchell Dudley Sr was 20 years old when he was killed in Vietnam. Before I knew what war was, I had lost my father to one. I was three, my brother was almost two and my sister was still waiting to be born. My mother was a widow at 21 left with three small kids to raise.



My father was a child himself when he was killed. He died alone, in a foreign country, so far away from the people he loved.



I believe I live in the greatest country in the world and I know the price of freedom. My father paid the ultimate price but those of us left behind paid a price too. There are so many things I will never get to share with my father, so many things he's missed. The really devastating part is that every day my story becomes another child's story.



Today and every day, thank a veteran. Whether or not your agree with our country's decisions know that these men and women are standing up for us. The president may be the commander in chief but these soldiers don't go to war to protect him, they go to war to protect the people they love, to stand up for a country they believe in and to make the world a safer place for all of us.

To everyone who serves, has ever served, or will ever serve, thank you, words cannot express the gratitude I feel.. To my Daddy, thank you, but I really wish you had just stayed home.


Sunday, April 15, 2012

The week my head exploded


If I had a crystal ball I would have found a way to make this last week last a year. Not that it was that good, there was just so much crammed into just a few days that I really should have been able to spread it over a year.

Monday was fine, I went to work, nothing spectacular there. I took Tuesday and Wednesday off to take care of a friends three kids while she had surgery. It was fun but let's just say I'm not as young as I used to be. We gardened and played at the park, A LOT!

I took them home on Wednesday and all I could think about as I drove home was a nice, long, hot bath in the jetted tub. I needed it! Then my cell phone rang and the world started spinning out of control.


Hailey called and said she and Josh had just bought a marriage license and a judge was coming to my house on Saturday to marry them. What the hell? Hailey had mentioned that she and Josh wanted to get married, since she so recently called off a wedding to say I was not excited would be an understatement. I told her when she was 21 I would pay for a wedding but until then she was on her own. Hailey then told me they would go to Vegas and I reminded her that I would kick her ass if she got married without me.

They were on their way to tell Josh's mom. My brain started melting a little bit at that point. I went home and started cleaning, which is what I do when I'm stressed, then I got a text. Are you seeing a pattern here? I think everything is my cell phone's fault! Anyway, back to the text.

"A car just hit us" Just for future reference, this is not the best way to tell your mother you've been in a car accident.

I call her, she's fine, I go to the accident to pick her up. I'm pretty much speechless. They tow Hailey's car away and we go home, call the insurance company, call my boss and tell her I need to take Thursday off.

Thursday, more dealings with the insurance company. The girl who hit Hailey was 15 and didn't have a license, she tried to get Hailey and Josh to tell the police someone else was driving. Not a chance. The other drivers insurance company called and said "there is an issue with coverage" Really? Could this week get any better? So my insurance company is taking care of everything, and that leaves me with a $500 deductible.

I drove Hailey around all day Thursday while she made wedding arrangements, bought a cake topper and wine glasses, decorations and ordered flowers.


On Friday I went to work and had a mini meltdown, wound up in tears and had to go home before I had even been there two hours. The insurance company called and said Hailey's car is totaled so we had to run all over town to sign papers to release it. After that, I'm not really sure what happened. Friday night passed in a haze and Saturday, well, let's just say there was lots of alcohol involved. Thankfully Hailey's new mother in law was on top of all the things I was falling down on, like a cake and food. If you ever have to plan a wedding in a short time, Lorna is definitely the woman you want helping you.


Somehow I made it. It's Sunday, the wedding went off without a hitch and the kids are happy. My new son in law decorated my kitchen with champagne and my sister helped decorate the kids car.

So congratulations to Hailey and Josh, I love you both and would have picked you for each other if it was up to me. It's going to be a lot of work, this marriage thing, but I think you have what it takes to make it. You both also have mothers who will slay dragons for you and that never hurts.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Losing it, one red belt at a time

It's been a while since I wrote a blog, I would apologize and say I'll do better but we all know its a lie so I'll skip that, kay?

Anyway, Hailey's wedding is in 48 days. We found the reception center in January, we got the dress, the bridal party, the invitations, yada yada yada. Anyway, I want you to know that I have been in control, on top of this, had it all figured out. Until one little red belt caused made me lose it.

I should have known when we went bridesmaid dress shopping and the dresses were not only found at the first store, they were the only dresses the girls tried on, and they were on sale. Add to this the fact that the bridesmaids are three teenage girls and you see how truly momentous this is.  Hailey's future mother in law and I were sure we were in for a night of hell but we were in, out and on our way home in an hour. I should have known then that a piano was going to fall on my head.

The dresses are perfect, well, almost, they are black and white with a yellow belt. Black and white is great, but the yellow has got to go. The accent color of the wedding is red. I told the girls I would find them red belts to go with the dresses.

I have spent about eight hours this weekend looking for thin red belts. I went to every store within driving distance and looked online. I can find them online, for more than the dresses cost. Not gonna happen.

So, I've decided that red belts are like unicorns, everyone has heard of them but no one has actually seen one. I bought some red ribbon, think I can make it work?

All I can say is thank God for wine.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

You might be a redneck

I'm so frustrated right now! I used to have really good neighbors but then they moved. The house on the north side of me is a rental so I never know who's going to live there and the people who are there now are white trash from hell!

Now before you go thinking I'm being too judgemental you should know, I am from the wrong side of the tracks. In my family our rich relatives live in the double wide, so I recognize my own. Having said that, these people are pissing me off!

It's just little things but they are starting to add up. First there are about eight adults and multiple children living in this tiny little house, not my business, I couldn't care less who lives together. The thing that is annoying is all the vehicles taking up the street. They have so many cars that when people come to my house they have to park around the corner.

Which brings up another issue, trash cans, there is no where to put the trash cans on trash day except at the end of the driveway. Each house has a trash can, a recycling can and a green waste can. If the trash is not sorted correctly the trucks will not pick it up. The neighbors use my trash cans, I don't care about that, as long as they put the right thing in the right can, no skin off my nose if their cans are full and mine aren't. However, I've gone out to take my trash out and found my cans full of their kids broken toys. I tossed them back over the fence into their yard. I have a strip of gravel between my driveway and the fence, that's where I put my trash cans, but not anymore.

I forgot to put the trash out Monday night so Tuesday morning before work I went to take the cans to the curb. When I opened my garage door my driveway was full of trash. The neighbors were tossing their trash over the fence into my trash cans and some of the bags wound up in my driveway and split open. So at six o'clock in the morning I was picking up the neighbors trash. They also filled my recycling bin with their trash and also my green waste can, which I haven't even used because they only pick those up from April to October.

So now I have to put the trash cans in my garage, that should smell wonderful when it warms up. Also, these people are killing my property value. They recently built an enclosed room on their deck for smoking. This is the picture of that room.

As if the outhouse with the satellite dish in the backyard wasn't bad enough.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Which way to the nursing home?


Well, it's happened. Terrie is going to have to take care of me and Angie, we are both too senile to live alone.

Yesterday I was writing a blog post for Families.com and I was comparing moving the contents of one room of my house to another to a game of musical chairs. Except I couldn't remember what that game was called. I had to google -children's game involving music and chairs- you would think just typing that out would remind me, but no, I had to wait for Google's answer.

In my defense it's been a lot of years since I played musical chairs. If I was comparing my house to beer pong I would have had no trouble remembering.

It was all good, everyone had a good laugh at my expense, mostly because I put my stupidity on Facebook for everyone to see. It's important here that you remember Angie (my youngest sister) had a good laugh at my expense.

So today at work we were reminded of the Jello potluck. Only in Utah would you celebrate National Jello Week with a jello potluck. On the way home from work Angie and I stopped so she could get the ingredients for her potluck dish- jello of course.

After I got home my phone rang, it was my sister, Angie.

"Hi sister, look, these directions are confusing me."

"Umm, you are confused about how to make jello?"

"I know, it's only three sentences so I'm probably over thinking it, but I'm confused."

I couldn't stop laughing, this from the sister who made fun of me for not remembering the name of musical chairs. I told her to step away from the jello and meet me outside, it's time we turned ourselves in. I'm not sure the nursing home knows we've escaped.

Now in my sisters defense, we are not from Utah, and we are not a jello family. I don't actually remember ever being served Jello so it's not her fault. The only jello we know anything about comes in little white paper cups and has alcohol in it.

All I can say is I hope Terrie is ready for us, we really can't be trusted alone anymore.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Whose fault is this?

   So Hailey moved out. She has abandoned me to live with her boyfriend. I can't believe it either. The nerve of that kid! We started moving her on Wednesday and I got the cold from hell, I was pretty much a walking ball of mucus and soreness. I kind of wanted someone to kill me or at least let me go home and stop moving boxes. Since neither was happening I toughed it out and helped her move.

  Once she was out, in between uncontrollable crying jags (not really but I want her to feel guilty when she reads this) I started thinking about what my house would look like with Hailey gone.

  That's when the clouds parted and the sun shone in because never again would all my dishes be in her room with science projects growing on them. Never again would I have to make a path to the washer and dryer. Never again would I go in the bathroom and find the toilet paper on the back of the tank because I'm the only one who knows how to replace it. Never again would there be 25 half empty soda cans calling all the neighborhood bugs to my house.


If I had felt better I would have done a little happy dance since I didn't I started re planning my use of the house. Hailey has had the basement for a while so I decided to move all my crafts down there and move my bed into the craft room instead of in the little tiny spare bedroom.

Of course, all of this will have to wait for another day because, as I may have mentioned, I'm  a walking ball of mucus.

Today after taking the kids grocery shopping and helping them get the last of their boxes unpacked I came home to enjoy the Super Bowl. I thought I might make some baby quilts while I was watching and somehow, during the course of the football game my craft room has now taken over my entire house.

 The picture above is my family room, no that is not a homeless person sleeping on the couch, that's more fabric, in case I needed it. I'm just glad it's too dark to see into the kitchen, Clementine still needs to do the dishes, just as soon as I get her some opposable thumbs.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Happy Birthday to my bestest friend Old Faithful

Today is the lovely Trina's birthday.There are so many things I could tell you about her, she's such a good mom, a fantastic cook. the best friend anyone could ask for, all that mushy stuff. Instead I'm going to tell you about the Trina we all know and love.

My friend Trina is a little, tiny bit clumsy, she once broke her elbow trying to teach her son to ding dong ditch. That's right, after she knocked she tried to run away and fell down my front steps and broke her elbow.

She got me back though. She took the front porch off her house so I fell out the front door and had to get stitches in my calf.


Mostly Trina is funny and a little gassy, ok, a lot gassy. She's gonna kill me for this but it's the one story that every time I think of it makes me laugh so hard I snort.

We went to Yellowstone, me, Trina, my sister Angie, our spouses and children. While we were waiting to see Old Faithful Trina needed to pass gas. Eating all those beans over the campfire will do that to you. She waited patiently for my ex husband to walk away. My ex husband never passed gas in front of anyone, no matter what, so she waited.

When he walked away she leaned over and said "I'm so glad he's gone, I'm soooo gassy." And she let it rip. Well, let's just say everyone who was within twenty five feet heard it, it even made the bench vibrate. Silent but deadly it was not.

And just in case some of the people didn't hear it, her son jumped up and started yelling, "Mom did you just fart? Ewww, my Mom just farted." It was freaking hysterical, I was very close to peeing my pants.

But she got me back, as always. But I will not tell you that story because it's Trina's birthday so this is all about her.

Trina is also the only person I know who can fall in a porta potty. We weren't even shaking it, she fell all on her own, Clay and I stood outside and laughed our asses off.

Somehow Trina, Clay and I started a tradition of streaking on New Years Eve. No idea why, I mean who in their right mind does that in the middle of winter, but that's how we start the new year.

The first year they were in their new house they were worried about the neighbors so we decided to make naked snow angels instead. There was a crust on the snow and the only one of us heavy enough to break through it was Clay, so he made his snow angel while Trina and I laid on top of the snow and tried our damnedest. It didn't work and we started laughing. We laughed so hard Trina peed a little so we had one snow angel, some rub marks and yellow snow. We made sure to tell the kids not to eat the yellow snow.

Another year we went out on New Years, something we rarely do, so we had to streak on the way home, in Home Depot's parking lot. Trina had quite a bit to drink that year and wasn't feeling her best, she was laying in the front seat when Clay pulled over. Being the concerned husband and friend we are, we drug her out of the car, stripped her and made her streak anyway. I think it helped her feel better but I could be mistaken.

I won't tell you anymore, I need to save something for next year. Although I will probably have new stories by then.

I will tell you that Trina is the best friend I could ask for, she is always there for me. Trina is not only my friend, she is a friend to my whole family and an aunt to my daughter. My sisters and I call her the other sister because she is a part of our family.

 Trina has held my hand more times than I can count and when I'm at my lowest she always reminds me that I'm worth so much more than I think. I'm grateful every day for the road that brought me to Utah and led me right to the doorstep of this wonderful, beautiful woman.

Thanks for being my friend Trina Beana, I love you more than words can say.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Sometimes I'm crazy

I know what you're thinking but it really is only sometimes that I'm crazy. Today, maybe tomorrow and a little bit yesterday.

I have too much to do. Not really, I don't have to anything but go to work, when I come home I could fall into a coma every night if I wanted cause I'm the boss of me.

Instead, I find projects for myself. I think right now I'm trying to stay busy so I won't think so much about Hailey moving out next week. So I create.

Tonight I made dinner, a scarf,  worked on another scarf,started dresses for the wee girls in my life, made a pair of moccasins for Baby Cook, crocheted  a bib, wrote several blogs, did  yoga, cleaned the kitchen and now I'm crashing.

The bad thing about these projects is that I have no attention span so nothing ever gets finished, there is just a whole lotta starting going on. So although it sounds like I did a crap ton of stuff tonight here is what I really did.

Reheated leftovers that are still sitting on the stove.
Sewed a scarf the wrong way and put it aside to fix another day.
Appliqued fabric hearts onto two t shirts that will be dresses when I get around to sewing the tulle on the bottom.
Stitched the moccasins, I cut the fabric out a few nights ago.
Worked one side of the bib and about ten rows on the scarf.
Did fifteen minutes of yoga.
Threw away the trash in the kitchen and piled the dishes.

In between all of that I added to the three blog pages that I had open so that I could dazzle you with my brilliance. And this is what you get.

I think the doctor sad I have ADD but I really wasn't paying attention.

Monday, January 23, 2012

I really do share too much with you people

I have no shame, I'm sure you know that by now but I will prove it again today. After reading yesterday's post  I'm sure there were many of you who lost sleep trying to figure out just what a starfish on a stripper pole looked like. Well, wonder no more. With the help of my amazing sister Angie and my sweet friend Sandi, I won the gold in the stripper pole Special Olympics. And I'm sharing it with you.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

And the winner for best party favor is....

My last couple blogs have been difficult to write because I had a secret and I'm terrible at keeping secrets. Wednesday will be Trina's 40th birthday and her husband and I racked our brains trying to come up with the perfect birthday.

Since Clay and I are both pretty brain dead most of the time we fell back on that old standby, the surprise party. I have to say, for two lame party planners, it went great.

Clay took Trina to dinner so I could work my magic at their house. I think he may have been a little stressed about everything turning out perfectly as evidenced by the shoes he wore to dinner.


Angie and Ryan got there early to help me with the food and decorations and then Noelle and Blake showed up to help as well. Blake and Ryan installed Trina's birthday present and the best party favor ever- a stripper pole! I told Noelle and Angie as they were installing it that I could see a trip to the emergency room in Trina's future.

Those of you have know Trina know that she can break an elbow knocking on someones door, she wasn't called the Megaklutz for nothing. As usual, Trina did not disappoint. Once she got over the initial shock of a bunch of people in her house and noticed the pole, she went for it. Trina jumped on that pole and knocked it  down, if not for the heavy duty wood shutters on the window in the front room, she would have gone through it.

Fortunately both Trina and window were fine, although the shutters will bear the scars forever. The men quickly went to work reinstalling and making the pole safe for all.


After that, it was on, everyone at the party spun around that pole numerous times, including Trina and Clay's kids. It was hysterical. Trina, Angie and I helped each other on the pole, it was pretty funny, how many women does it take to hang off a stripper pole?  We looked like handicap strippers still working the pole.

All in all, a fun night was had by everyone. If you take the stripper out of a stripper pole it really is good family fun for everyone!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

If your best friend is a nurse, find a new best friend


My best friend Trina is a nurse. I know that sounds like a good thing because sometimes they help you, like when you think you have Parkinson's disease but really you're just shaky from too much yard work, then it's a good thing.

Most of the time it's not, because not only is Trina a nurse but she is my official worrier. I never worry about my health because I know Trina is on it.

Last night as I was soundly sleeping, minding my own business, my phone rang, it was Trina. Now when my phone rings when I'm asleep I think there is something wrong with the person on the other end, not me, after all, I was sleeping.

The conversation, as I remember it, went something like this:

Me-Hello?
Trina- What's wrong?
Me- Ummm, nothing? (I'm not sure what's the right answer, after all, I'm asleep)
Trina- Nothing? What about the numbness? The muddled brain?
Me- Oh that, it's nothing.
Trina- That's not nothing, did you go to the doctor?
Me-No, I slept wrong, except for the brain thing.
Trina- Is your hand still numb?
Me- Ummm, no. ( I'm still asleep, I have no idea really but that seemed like the right answer.)
Trina- You were asleep weren't you?
Me- Yes
Trina- Ok, goodnight.

I laid there for about a half an hour, waiting for the ambulance. Trina knows I won't go to the doctor if nothing hurts because in my experience if it doesn't hurt when I get there, it will by the time I leave and I am not signing up for that.

Like that time I fell out of her house and impaled my leg on a post holder. I wouldn't agree to go to the hospital until she showed me her hand and said, "That's meat, from inside your leg, we're going, now."

Anyway, the ambulance didn't come and I fell back to sleep. Today after work, the phone rings, it's Trina. Now because I have the attention span of a gnat, I've forgotten about yesterday, after all, that was like, yesterday.

Trina- So what's going on?
Me- Nothing, just fixing dinner.
Trina- With your hand and your brain.
Me- Oh, that was nothing, I'm fine today.
        And then I changed the subject because like me, Trina is easily distracted. It worked, we talked about other things, life is good.

So that is why you shouldn't be friends with a nurse, or if you are, don't let her read your blog.. And by the way, today I have no numbness and my brain has resumed the usual hamster wheel spinning that passes for intelligence around here.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Today kinda sucked hairy eyeballs


It's not Monday but it should be. First I woke up, crazy I know. Anyway, my left hand was numb and tingly, I thought I slept wrong but when two of my fingers were still like that two hours later I decided it was either a tumor or a stroke so I better get some work done before I had to go to the hospital and have my appendix removed or something.

So I tried to work, but apparently last night I slept in mud, but only with my head because my brain was full of it today and I couldn't seem to grasp even the simplest things. I asked people to speak slowly and loudly like you would to a person who doesn't speak English, but it didn't help.

I made it through the day with my numb fingers and mud filled head only to find myself wandering Walmart. I know lots of people who don't like Walmart but I love it, they have everything, I don't need to go anywhere else. I bought some food or something, and some baby stuff, cause you never know when a random baby will fall out of the sky and need wipes, some fabric and a few toddler t-shirts so I can make Ivy some tutu dresses. Oh and hummus,lots and lots of hummus.

I came home, read some blogs, ate some Oreos-stop judging me- and tried to read the comments on my blog, but I can't. I can read everyone else's blog but mine. I would stomp my foot and complain to blogger but it may have something to do with the tingling and the mud. I should probably get my tires rotated.

Tomorrow will be better. And yes, unfortunately this is exactly how my brain worked all day. I would say that maybe I accidentally got stoned but I'm pretty sure that is more fun than this.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I need one of those exercise chairs, someone invent one please.


It's been lovely having my computer back, I've been able to catch up on everyone's blogs and even comment a little. I'm getting caught up on the blogs I write for Families.com, which is good because I was feeling like a major slacker.

At work we are doing a weight loss challenge and since I would like to go outside in shorts and a tank top this summer and not frighten small children with my bat wing arms, I thought I would join.

As usual this was the brain child of the skinny women in the office. Why are they always the first one to jump on the lets get skinny bandwagon? Oh wait, that's probably why they are skinny, never mind.

Anyway, we had to weigh in on Monday and I want you to know that the scale they use is a filthy liar! I've never weighed that much in my life! Guess it's a good thing I'm doing this weight loss thing huh?

Yesterday I was pretty good, I didn't eat anything bad for me and even exercised for like five minutes. My whole problem is that my life is spent on my ass. At work, I sit in a chair at a computer, all day. Then I come home, sit in a chair at the computer and read and write, all night long.

So really, I think you guys need to take some of the responsibility for the size of my big, big bottom, after all, it's your blogs and Facebook posts I'm reading all night.

I wasn't so good today. I ate some licorice at work, and when I came home I was starving. So while dinner was cooking I ate Oreos. Just don't tell Trina, last time she found out I ate a whole package of Oreos she gave me a lecture about my arteries. Damn her and her healthy arteries. She's just jealous that I have Oreos and she doesn't.

So I need to find a way to exercise while sitting on my butt eating Oreos. Any ideas?

Monday, January 16, 2012

The clouds parted and the sun shined again


At least that's how it felt when Clay said my computer was fixed. Now for the rest of you who have a life this probably isn't that important to you but to me, it's my lifeline.

See, every time my daughter makes me a little bit crazier, I can come here and tell all of you about it. How is she making me crazy now you ask? She's getting married. On May 19th.

Yes, it wasn't enough that she was moving out and leaving her mother all alone to have naked time   cry her eyes out, now she wants to get married too.

So here we go round the Mulberry bush. I don't even know what to say about this particular turn of events, I've asked them both to wait,  they've both insisted now is the time.

So seize the day, get married have twenty freaking kids in the next two years. At least I have my computer.

I know I kind of ditched my New Years resolution about blogging but I decided not to beat myself up over things I can't control. I'm back on track now and you will be hearing more from me. whether you like it or not.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Still no computer

This will be short and sweet, do you have any idea how hard it is to type a blog on a smart phone. Not a lot of fun friends and neighbors.

I'm taking this computerless time to learn more about myself. So far I've discovered I'm whiny and spoiled. And I need to get out more.

Hope everyone had a lovely day, the unicorns are making their way back.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

E Machine, I hate thee

Disclaimer: I may or may not drop the f bomb more than once in this post, if that's offensive to you, come back tomorrow, there are sure to be unicorns coming out of my ass by then.

Me and electronics have a love/hate relationship. I love them, they hate me. Even though I spend outrageous sums of money on them, still the hate.

My computer, which is not even two years old took a tremendous  dump last night while I was sleeping. Seriously, how can you break a  computer while you are fucking sleeping?

I woke up this morning and came downstairs to this weird screen telling me something was having trouble repairing itself.

Fiddle dee dee, I'll worry about it later Scarlett, and off to work I went. When I came home I begged Alex and bribed him with Subway to fix it, please for the love of God, fix it!

Well, he's done his best and I am able to use it but it's weird, nothing is right and I don't know what to do about it.

The bad part is, now I have nothing to do. All I do when I'm not at work doing that thing they pay me to do, is write. I come home from work, grab a jar of peanut butter, a spoon and a glass of wine and sit in front of the computer.

Now, I have nothing. What do people do without computers? Wash dishes? We're talking about a spoon and a wine glass, not exactly hours of work. I've been pacing, I'm going to need new carpet soon, I'm starting to wear a path in it.

I have a netbook but I hate it, it's too small, it makes everyone on Facebook look like they've lost weight and that's depressing because I'm becoming more and more peanut butter jar shaped. I hate those skinny people on netbook Facebook. I'm going to unfriend them all.

I hate to think it is time already for another computer but I am so dependent on this fucking heartless thing that I don't know what to do without it.

Maybe I'll go to the coffee shop and try to make friends with people who have computers. 

That's all I got, I'm mad and I'm bitchy. Hopefully tomorrow we will return you to your regularly scheduled program of happy shit.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Do dogs need friends?

So between my kid leaving me and my dog ignoring me, I just don't know what to do with myself lately. I've been writing, a lot, and I've also been crafting, I love to craft and when Hailey was little I couldn't wait for the time I could spend an uninterrupted day in my craft room.

Be careful what you wish for. Now I could spend a year in there and that kid wouldn't notice, unless we were out of ramen noodles or toilet paper.

In the middle of all of this I've been feeling sorry for Clementine. I know I really shouldn't, bossy little thing that she is, but Hailey really does pay more attention to her than I do. I'm thinking maybe I should get her a dog. Clementine, not Hailey.

The only problem is that Clementine doesn't really like other dogs. There are some dogs she likes but most of them she attacks. When you weight nine pounds this is not a good way to make friends or even make it to your next birthday.

We got a second dog a while ago. A beautiful German Shepherd named Sadie. I loved her little face, Clementine hated her. This poor puppy could not get a seconds peace. Even when she was asleep Clementine would attack her. I stuck it out for about two months thinking Clem would come around but it got so bad that I thought Clementine was going to have a stroke. She would get so worked up at the sight of Sadie that she was shaking  and growling and drooling while she was lunging and biting. Poor Sadie, poor Clementine. I was also afraid that Sadie was going to get tired of Clem attacking her and accidentally hurt her, after all, at six months she had her by about forty pounds.

So I found a home for Sadie, she's happy, Clementine's happy but I miss her. Now I'm thinking Clem needs a friend to play with. Maybe I'll take her to the pound with me and let her pick one out. I'll have to see what the return policy is, just in case.

Monday, January 9, 2012

She's really leaving me, guess I'm not the boss of her anymore

I knew this day would come, I just had no idea it would come this soon. Today Hailey came home after work with the lease she and Alex just signed. Do these people not understand that these are two babies? I'm sure they aren't old enough to enter into a contract. I can see I'm going to have to talk to someone about this.

Then I realize, there is no one to talk to about this. My baby girl is spreading her wings and leaving home. What the hell am I gonna do now? Who am I gonna boss around? I tried bossing Clementine but she just blinks that one eye at me and pees on the floor when I'm not looking. Also, now that we've spoiled her since she lost her eye she has turned into quite a demanding little bitch.

I usually give her a treat after her last potty break at night, well now she thinks she deserves a treat every time she pottys outside and if I don't give her one, she just pees on the floor next time. And dinner time? I give her wet food for dinner and now if I don't feed her by 6 o'clock she sits at my feet, gives my that one eyed glare and growls at me. Most of the time she just ignores me.

Come to think of it, that's a lot like raising a teenager. Maybe it won't be that different after all.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Another use for a pumice stone, and other things we shouldn't talk about


Happy Sunday to you all, as you can see I'm being fabulous about my NewYears resolution to blog everyday, the other ones, well, not so fabulous. Yesterday I spent all my money and I've smoked a couple cigarettes this weekend. But tomorrow is a new day. Let's see what happens.

So today when I woke up my brain said, "Clean this pigsty NOW!" I hate when my brain says that because that means I'm going to be spending hours doing things that you don't talk about in polite company, like scrubbing the toilet bowl ring with a pumice stone. I know, I know, I'll never mention it again.

The house is mostly clean as I write this, just the kitchen left to do and I hate cleaning kitchens. I'd rather scrub the toilet than clean the kitchen or vacuum. I'm weird like that. That's probably why my vacuum cleaners last so long.

Hailey and Alex went out to lunch. Fun Sunday for them after spending the day yesterday gutting their rooms. Just to let you know how bad those rooms were, they will be spending next Saturday doing the same thing.

I'm taking a break and checking my Facebook, it's important that I know what is going on in everyone's lives, who is watching TV, whose kids are sick, who is already drinking beer today. I don't need to actually talk to people anymore, I just read their updates. Anyway, while I'm reading updates Hailey posts the following,

               "Okay, today is awesome, four kinds of sushi for like $20"

This from the kid who won't eat applesauce because it feels weird in her mouth.

Back to cleaning, but if I knew how much Hailey loved raw fish I would have gotten rid of the stove long ago.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

When all else fails, shop

So my check is still not in the bank. What to do, what to do? Why shop of course! I spent a lovely day wandering from store to store. I started at the local thrift store because I had some things to donate and since I was there, what's the harm in taking a peek?

I found two lovely things, a mirror for my bedroom, when I finish remodeling it of course. I have a beautiful canopy wrought iron bed so I will paint this either black or white.


I also found a unique picture frame for Hailey's new apartment. The apartment I still have not accepted.


Then I hit the craft stores. Craft stores are like crack for me. Now I've never personally done crack but I imagine that feeling I get when I walk in there has got to be close. The possibilities! I spent five hours at craft stores today. It was Heaven.

I bought tulle for Ivy and material for infinity scarves and stuff to make one of those fancy little bulletin boards, and a project for Hailey's new place and more fabric- I may have an addiction-and paper dolls, and ribbon and beads, oh my!

But my absolute favorite thing I bought today is a nutcracker. I know Christmas is over but I collect nutcrackers and this little lovely was just waiting for me. A crafting nutcracker, isn't she beautiful!! I have nutcrackers that represent other people in my life, a fireman, Elvis, but this is the first one that represents me. I think I will put her on my dresser for a while.



I came home to hell. If you've ever met my daughter you know that she and cleaning are not really acquainted. This is the weekend she and her boyfriend decided to clean out their rooms for the move. Hailey has saved every piece of paper she's ever written on since kindergarten. Not because she is sentimental but because she is too lazy to throw them out.

So I came home to boxes and overflowing trash piles everywhere. She also mentioned something about doing laundry but I'll believe that when I see it.

She has a few boxes of things to donate, that means another trip to the thrift store. I hope my check goes in the bank soon so I can see what other goodies I can find.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Where's ma money?


So today was payday at that place I work. I have direct deposit so usually I give my paycheck no thought at all. Money goes in, money comes out, all without me having to lift a finger. My bills are set up to  auto pay on payday, otherwise I'd forget and then that's when I become homeless. It's better not to rely on me.

Well, there was some glitch in our payroll system so the banks didn't get the direct deposit info so, no check. Ok, I still wasn't too worried, I mean, eventually they have to pay me, right?

I checked my account, $1.32, hmmm, this could be a problem. See I'm one of those people who will not keep all their money in one bank. And by "all" my money I mean the minuscule amount in savings at another bank and the $20 in my underwear drawer. So I couldn't just transfer money to cover my ass.

Our HR department sends out an email that says this has been fixed and checks will be deposited throughout the day....or Monday. Not to worry!

Now my account is a negative because more bills went through and I have stuff bouncing all over the valley. Fortunately I have overdraft protection so now I just owe the bank my entire paycheck in overdraft fees. No problem.

However, the liquor store will not take an IOU so now we have a problem. I may go postal except I don't work for the post office so I'm not sure exactly how that would work.

Send wine, and maybe french fries.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Resolutions are hard.............


Right now I'm whining. For four whole days I've been super fantastic about my resolutions, I've been the queen of resolutions, I've been kicking my resolutions ass! For four whole days. Where's my cookie? I want a gold star, dammit, I want some recognition.

So yeah, I've quit smoking, what do you mean you can tell? I've quit in the past so I know the drill. First I'm so hyper it's like I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew, then I crash, then I'm hyper, then I crash, on and on it goes until I start smoking again- which I'm not doing this time, or Hailey has me committed.

Today I crashed. I came home, sat at the computer to read blogs and write but instead I ate almost an entire package of Oreos and took a three and a half hour nap.

So here's the damn blog I resolutioned (is that even a word?) to write everyday. I'm finishing off the Oreos and going back to bed.