Saturday, December 31, 2011

Let's get drunk and be somebody!!!


Toby Keith certainly knows how to name songs. Anyway, it's New Years Eve and we are getting ready to get our drink on. I may need a twelve step program after tonight because I have enough alcohol to pickle my liver.

I'm making chili and cornbread, cake pops and jello shots. We'll play games and once we are all tipsy enough, we'll play sing star. That noise that sounds like a cat being tortured? That's me, singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T with my sister while the kids howl with laughter. I always lose that game but everyone gives me an A for enthusiasm so what the hell.

2012 is going to be an amazing year. Even with the bumps we ran into, 2011 was a good year for Hailey and I and I expect 2012 to be even better.

 I've made a list of resolutions, some of them I'll share with you tomorrow as soon as I can see out of both eyes, but for today I want to say thank you.

Thank you for reading what I write, when I started this I thought the only person who would read it would be my mom. Thanks for commenting, comments make me happy. Thank you for sharing your lives with me through your blogs and your comments. Thank you for offering support through the storms and most of all, thank you for making me laugh when I had my sad pants on.

I would like to give you all a money tree but since mine died without reproducing I'm afraid that all I have for you are wishes.

I wish you a year of love, surrounded by people you love.

I wish you laughter every day, a good belly laugh is one of the best things in the world.

I wish you peace, from your demons and those that belong to others.

I wish health for you and those you love, as a matter of fact I'm going to drink to your health over and over and over tonight so you should be covered.

Mostly I wish that you all live in your happy place, that little place in your heart that says all is right in the world.


Be safe, have fun, don't do anything stupid, but if you do, for God's sake, blog about it so I can laugh my ass off!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

People of Walmart

Everyone knows about the People of Walmart site, if you don't, go there now, you will find pictures to laugh at, maybe even some of your relatives are featured on there. The other day my darling daughter earned her People of Walmart badge, not through a picture but through a story that will be heard around Walmart for quite a while.

My kid has a wicked sense of humor and she's a little twisted. One day last week she called me after work and said she was at her boyfriends house, then they were going to Walmart to get "feminine hygiene products" and then they would be home to eat all the cake pops I made for her grandfather. Just a normal night.

When Hailey came in she was laughing so I asked her what was so funny, this is her story.


Her supervisor decided to hang balloons on everyones cubicle. Hailey loves balloons and wouldn't let hers go, she even took it when she left for the day. As she was walking to the parking lot one of the guys asked her if she was going to pop it. Hailey said no, and promptly shoved it under her shirt. Everyone was busting a gut because she looked about eight months pregnant.

Never one to let a good joke die she left this balloon under her shirt and drove to her boyfriends house. She walked in their house, with the balloon still under her shirt, causing his parents to snort perfectly good wine out of their noses.

Hailey's boyfriend walked in, since they've known each other for four years he wasn't surprised, just gave her a kiss and asked how her day was. They went to Walmart, Hailey still sporting a balloon baby. At Walmart Hailey climbed into the back of the cart so Alex could push her because even at 18 she still thinks her legs are painted on.

They get tampons and across the aisle are the pregnancy tests. My darling daughter grabs one to go with her tampons. At the checkout she hands the tampons and the pregnancy test to the cashier and Alex pushes her forward so the clerk can see her.

Hailey said the look on her face was priceless. She was probably thinking, seriously? You're still not sure?

So if you hear a story about a hugely pregnant girl buying tampons and a pregnancy test at Walmart, that was my daughter. She gave birth in the car after leaving Walmart and was feeling well enough to eat all the cake pops I didn't have time to hide.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

I miss my Krissy friend

 Today is the anniversary of the brutal murder of one of my best friends. A year later it makes even less sense. I cannot believe she is gone. I can't believe the way she was taken. I live in Salt Lake for hell's sake, people don't get murdered here, and certainly not people I know.

But Krissy did. A series of bad choices led her to be in the presence of evil and he did not take pity on her. He didn't care that she was someones daughter, sister, mother, lover and friend. He didn't care that she was still loved even as she was lost. He did not care about the two daughters she left behind who now have to go through life knowing what this monster did to their mother. He cared for no one but himself.

That was evident when he went to trial. He knew they would convict him, he had confessed after all and they had more than enough forensic evidence. He also knew that the brutality of the crime he committed would get him the death penalty.

Faced with his own death he became afraid and took the cowards way out. He plead guilty and saved the state an expensive trail. In return he got life in prison without parole. Funny how these monsters can destroy another human being without a thought, not care that they are causing someones death, but when faced with their own death they become afraid.

So once again, here is my post for my Krissy friend and all that was lost.


I have a friend, or rather, I HAD a friend, about a year and a half ago I asked her to never call me again. I told her I didn’t need her drama in my life. I told her I couldn’t watch her kill herself. Now she is gone, but before we get there, I want to tell you about my friend.



Krissy was beautiful, intelligent, talented and broken. She was unable to see her own worth and acted like I was crazy when I would tell her how fortunate I felt to be her friend. Krissy was just unable to believe that she was lovable or valuable. I don’t know why, I’m not sure she knew why, so she drank. And drank, and drank.


Krissy drank away everything that ever mattered to her, including her children. She lost custody of both of her daughters because she was unable to stay sober. I think a part of her believed she didn’t deserve them. She told me several times they would be better off without her, they didn't need a mother like her. That made me cry and I told her again and again how fortunate they were to have her.


Krissy was funny, so very funny. She and I had so many inside jokes, all it would take was one word or a hand motion and we would both be laughing so hard, standing with our legs crossed trying not to pee our pants. She always knew what would make me laugh and at work I would get random emails from her, strange ads on craigslist, funny dating profiles, news of the weird. Krissy could find a laugh in just about anything.


Krissy loved movies and she could quote them all. I am not a movie buff. She would start telling me about some funny scene in a movie and start laughing so hard she could barely talk and I would just look at her, not knowing the movie so unable to see the humor and when she would stop laughing she would say " Dammit Jane, why am I your friend? You know nothing about humor." Then she would laugh again.


She always called me Jane, as in Jane you ignorant slut, from Saturday Night Live, and she was my Krissy friend. "Anytime I called her she would answer the phone "Bobs House of Bestiality" or some other perverted sex shop name and then laugh like a hyena and say " Jane you ignorant slut, where have you been all my life?"


Krissy snorted when she laughed, which always made me laugh harder.


Did I mention that she drank? I don’t mean she drank a little, she drank so much that one of the many times I cleaned her apartment after a binge I filled five huge trash cans with empty alcohol containers. I remember thinking that she had consumed more alcohol in a week than most people do in a lifetime. I also wondered how she could live through that kind of drinking, but live she did.


Our friendship had been broken more than once due to her drinking, I couldn't understand it and I couldn't watch it. I tried to be supportive, to be there for her, to help her over the hard spots. She could be a mean drunk and when you tried to help her she would turn on you so when her youngest daughter was about two I said, no more, I won't do this anymore. I didn't see her for three years.

After all that time a mutual friend asked for my help because no one had seen her in weeks and he was worried, he asked me to climb through her dog door because I was the only one who could fit. I was mad, I didn't want to be pulled back into that mess. I climbed through the dog door and sat in the car while he went in. After about an hour I had to use the bathroom so I snuck in but she heard me, he told her I was in the car.


Krissy called my name, I went to the doorway of her bedroom. I was so disgusted, how do you let yourself get to this place? I didn't want anything to do with her.Tears started rolling down her face and she held out her hand to me. Her beautiful hands. Krissy had the hands of a concert pianist. Long, beautiful, delicate fingers, so soft they were childlike. I held her hand and as weak as she was she tried to pull me to her, I climbed into that disgusting bed she had been laying in for weeks and just held her. Krissy put her hand on my cheek, looked in my eyes and said "Jane, is it really you?"


Trina and I took her to the hospital that time to detox. She was bad, really bad. The alcohol had affected the motor center of her brain and they didn't think she would walk again. The doctor told me she would probably have to go into a nursing home. My beautiful Krissy, unable to even go to the bathroom on her own.

Somehow she recovered, she got better. I took her home, we cried about it, then, because it was Krissy, we laughed about it. She told me of things that happened in the hospital and the cute little boy nurses that took care of her and we laughed some more. She was determined to get better. I was determined to help her.


Krissy liked to stay busy when she wasn’t drinking, I think it helped her not to drink. She was always finding and restoring some thing that she found at a yard sale or thrift store. Krissy had the ability to take something that most of us would throw away and turn it into something beautiful.


Krissy loved animals, she took in every stray, she found homes for animals that no one else wanted. She loved them with the love a mother has for her children and every time she woke up in the hospital I had taken her to, yet again, her first question was about her animals.

In the end, none of these things mattered. That demon on her back was stronger than the love that she had for us or that we had for her, and she fell. I walked away because I couldn't stand it. I could not stand to see her waste her life and all she had to give. I didn't know how to help her in a way that didn't enable her. So I walked away.

Two days ago a homeless woman was found dead in a park bathroom. She was brutally murdered. My beautiful friend Krissy is no more.

The news report said she fought her attacker so they were looking for someone who liked like they had been in a fight. That was my Krissy, a hell cat to the end. Even in death she made me laugh, I knew she would never go down without a fight.


Goodbye my Krissy friend, you were so loved, I'm so sorry it wasn't enough. We will never forget you and never stop mourning what could have been, if only.........

I will miss you so.



Love,

Jane

Online Shopping

I love online shopping, you find all sorts of things that are not at your neighborhood Walmart. I like to find different gifts, things that someone wouldn't necessarily buy for themselves.

While I was searching I cam across JustAddressPlaques.com. Now I want one! They have the coolest personalized address plaques to put your street address out there for everyone to see, they truly have something for everyone's tastes.

My favorite are the address posts, you get a beautiful post plus a custom address plaque. Of course my yard is so small that the post would take up the whole thing. They also have plaques for your mailbox.

Such a great idea for gift giving, one for someone else and one for yourself. They also have solar address plaques, which I love, I'm all about being green.

Check them out and dress up your house. I'm going back to searching unique gifts for people I love, mainly me of course, but I may find something for someone else!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Just call me Martha-Betty, or maybe Betty-Martha


The joy of the weekends before Christmas. That's when I run around like the energizer bunny on crack, so much to do and so little time because I am a major procrastinator.

This weekend I was channelling Betty Crocker and Martha Stewart, even the dog is afraid. First there are goodies to be baked. Cake pops, chocolate chip cookies, oatmeal pomegranate cookies, chewy chocolate drops, cream cheese mints, peanut butter fudge. On and on and on it goes. I have to make extra because I eat a lot and I still want to be able to send some to my parents. And then of course Hailey sneaks large containers of stuff out of the house to feed her teenage friends, that alone can eat up an entire day's worth of baking.

And then there was Martha, I made a scarf and gloves for Ivy, so cute. My brother and my cute sister in law are having their first baby this little angel will be 2000 miles away so since I can't snuggle it every chance I get I want it to be wrapped in goodies that I made.

I found this cute little tutorial at The Purl Bee for making little felt baby shoes. I may have gotten carried away. We don't know what the little one is yet so I just want to make sure my bases are covered. I've started quilts for both sexes as well. I know quite a few preggos right now so I think they will all have plenty of baby shoes.

Now, I'm just tired.  I'm having box wine, cheddar cheese and yellow mustard, because in addition to channelling Martha and Betty, I'm extremely classy.

Texts between friends


Everyone I know is sick, we have all been sick for weeks. Just when we think it's going to go away it comes back and brings some new friends.

One of  best friends is sick, I'm not going to tell you which friend to protect her identity, you will understand why in a minute. Today she texted me, follows is exactly what was said:

Friend: OMG!!!!!! Cough cough sniff sniff blow! Shit shit....shit myself and puke. Ain't life grand

Friend: Oh wait, Puke cough choke on puke...shit myself...wish for death...merry fu**ing Christmas

Me: I'm sorry I am still sick but not that bad

Friend: At least I'm still laughing at myself as I wish for death

Friend: And hey I have lost three pounds since I woke up this morning

Me: You are too much

Me: I found it. It was at the bottom of my cookie jar

Friend: Is that where you hide your mind?

Friend: I have found mine in the gutter many times

Me: No just the weight you lost

Friend: LOL I am a little slow

Friend: Miss you

Me: Miss you too

I think she may have a fever, she sounds a little delirious but she almost made me snort coffee out of my nose.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

I love my car but.....

I think my car may hate me. I've babied that thing, kept it in the garage, make sure the maintenance is taken care of and what does it do? Every once in a while, for no apparent reason, it won't start.

I'm mad, it's cold, I need to go to the store to get more baking supplies and it won't start. Yes I know I live two blocks from the nearest grocery store but I dont' like that one because it's more expensive and did I mention it's freaking freezing?

My poor Daddy, waiting patiently for his Christmas goodie package, that I can't make because of my dumb car!

In other news, Clementine has a new sweater, she's very stylish for a one eyed dog. My sister brought her little doggie over yesterday, I can't remember what she is but I think she's part cutie patootie and the other part sweetie pie. Clementine likes very few dogs but she loves Sassy.

Yesterday she tried to hump poor Sassy. I think since we took her eye out she's thinking that maybe she had a penis we removed as well.

Oh well, cars and dogs and my Amazon order hasn't shipped. Today is a super fabulous day as you can tell, I think I may have to hit the wine early today, it's not like I'm gonna be driving anywhere.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Christmas shopping is gonna be the death of me.


Thought I would check in today. It's December,just in case you didn't get the memo. Around here that means lots of shopping. Just when my baby gets all grown up it seems that we are invaded by little ones. So once again Fisher Price and Little People are invading my home.

First there is my little Ivy Love and her brothers. That girl is all about princesses, such a fun age. Although I have to tell you now that she talks better none of our secrets are safe! She's so funny trying to figure out how I fit into her family- in case you didn't know, Ivy is my daughter's sister- she still occasionally calls me Mom because she's not sure who the hell I am.

Last time she was here we were reading in bed and she got excited about her book and said "Mom- and then a bunch of stuff about kitties that I didn't understand." I murmured approvingly and then she said "Are you Mom?" I laughed and told her I'm sisters mom, but I'm her Aunt Missi. She said, "Ok, Mom." She really is talking much better but for some reason refuses to say her sister's name, she calls her Jessie. At first we were like who the hell is Jessie, but then she said " Sister's Jessie" and rolled her eyes at me. Whatever kiddo.

Then there is little miss Liliana, she is my daughter's friends baby, and such a sweetie. But finally, there is the man of the family, my great nephew Noah. Oh, how much fun that little boy is. He is eight months old and such a happy boy.

So my cart was filled with baby toys, it was so much more fun than buying the latest video games or I tunes gift cards. I think I'm just going to adopt everyones little ones for Christmas from now on.

More baking will be done this weekend. Trina and I baked and drank wine for two days but it was kind of lame because we were both sick, so I'm gonna do it again with my sisters.

Clementine's eye has healed perfectly, she doesn't even look strange, she has so much hair you can't usually see her eye anyway. She has a few new nicknames, Hailey's favorite is Cyclops, and for Halloween she is going to be a one eyed, one horned flying purple people eater.  Jackson calls her disability dog, we're trying to figure out what her super power is so we can make her a cape. That sounds like a super hero doesn't it?

Hope everyone is having as much fun as I am!