Thursday, July 28, 2011

Exercise is making me fat


I used to go to the gym six days a week, religiously, nothing came between me and my gym time, on the seventh day I rested and drank wine.

Somehow about a year ago I got out of the habit, c-diff will do that to you, so now, six days a week I rest and drink wine and on the seventh day, just to shake things up, I nap and drink wine.

Now Hailey is getting married and I have no desire to look like an overstuffed pillowcase in her wedding pictures, so back to the gym I go.

It was a good day, as days at the gym go, I was very proud of myself. I actually did a combination of walking and jogging for an hour, then I did some stretching, just to make it look like I knew what I was doing.

I came home and had a lovely dinner, full of vegetables because, Hey! I'm working out now.

A little later, I had one teeny, tiny little cupcake cause, you know, I did work out today.

The cupcake was good, but I really wanted something salty so a handful of bbq potato chips, cause, after all, I deserve them, I worked out.

At nine pm I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on white toast. Shut up, I freaking worked out today!

I may have to give up this working out thing, I don't think I can keep up the food intake, all that eating makes me tired.

I wonder if there is still time to call Omar before the wedding?

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

In non-wedding related news........


I just had the strangest phone call from Joycie. She went to a concert with her friend Craig and called me from the bathroom- drunk! She is so freaking funny. Our conversation went like this:

Me: Are you having fun?
Joyce: Yes, but I'm drunk, we drank four bottles of wine and I can't eat alchohol fast enough to soak up the food.
Me: Maybe you should stop drinking.
Joyce:  I did, it's not working, I can't get undrunk.
Me: Where are you?
Joyce: In the bathroom, I had to come in the large stall where the large people come, I hope they can't hear me.
Me: They can hear you, trust me.
Joyce: Did I call you about......the monkeys?
Me" Ummm, no.
Joyce: Are you sure? Didn't we have a conversation about monkeys?
Me: No, pretty sure I would have remembered that. Who did you call about the monkeys?
Joyce: You, I called you!
Me: Ok, what about the monkeys?
Joyce: I'm just thinking about them, that's all.
Me: Ok ( on a side note, neither one of us has or knows any monkeys)
Joyce: I have to go back out but they are playing scary music, can you hear it?
Me: Yes, it sounds like carnival music.
Joyce: Yes! that's it, it's carny folk music, now people are clapping, I gotta go.
Me: Bye, call me if you need a ride
Joyce: Ok, I'll try to see you in the morning. ( We work together, at 6am)

And she's off to party with the carny folk. Bruce Hornsby has never seen anything like Joycie

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

This is a rant- avert your eyes

I hate to be negative, I'm probably one of the happiest people you will ever meet. Hailey has said to me " Mom, you are one of those annoyingly happy people that other people want to punch." Not today. Today, the Momma bear in me is out and she is pissed.

My daughter is getting married, ya'll might have heard about that. Anyway, Hailey and Alex planned on getting married next summer. Then, my darling daughter found herself a little knocked up, so they moved up the date. Perfectly understandable, even if I did lecture them about getting married for the wrong reasons, waiting, it's ok to have a baby and not be married, yada, yada, yada.

Then my baby lost her baby but decided to go ahead with the wedding, and that, friends and neighbors is when things took a turn for the ugly.

I have always tried to be a good ex wife, I felt that it was important for Hailey's well being if her parents got along. I did everything I could to make sure that we got along, including welcoming his girlfriend of the week into my home, all the time, and hosting a Christmas get together so he would have time with his daughters.

My friends and family think I have a few bats in my belfry. I frequently hear, "Why do you do this? He wouldn't do it for you." I know he wouldn't, but I wasnt' doing it for him, I was doing it for Hailey, and later, for her sister Ivy. They were the ones I worried about, not him.

When Hailey told her father they were going ahead with the wedding, he sent me the following text:

If our daughter is no longer pregnant why are you encouraging her to get married?

Has he met this kid? For a few short years Hailey thought I knew everything. By the time she was five, she was totally on to me and knew that things were much more fun if you didn't do what Mom said.

I decided to ignore him, no reason to fight. Then Hailey called me crying, not only was her father refusing to give her away, he wasn't even coming to the wedding. The two of them exchanged some words on Facebook and he then unfriended her and our whole family. He's mature like that.

Not only did he tell her that he doesn't agree with her choice and will not support it but he also told her that it is easy for me to support this decision because I don't care about her or her future. What??? And where was he while I was raising her alone? Oh wait, I forgot, he would give me $166 a month in child support when he remembered and didn't have something more important to do, like buy new drums, or take his girlfriend out to dinner. Kudos to you twatwaffle for the months you remembered you had a daughter. I remembered every day of her life.

Recently he caved and said he would come to the wedding and give her away. Mighty big of him don't you think? Especially when I found out the change of heart came after his friends told him, on Facebook, what an ass he is being. Again, he's mature like that.

I have used my love of words to write a letter to him, more like hate mail really, that I will send after the wedding, I'm not about to ruin her day.

Here's a little excerpt, the only part without too many four letter words:

My daughter is an amazing, incredible, intelligent human being with a kind heart and hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Too bad you are so selfish that you can't recognize the beautiful things that live in my daughters heart because you don't have a heart.
This shit you package and try to sell to Hailey as your love for her is not love, you are too selfish to love another human being, the only person you ever cared about is yourself and that continues today.


Now before you think I'm being a total bitch, this man said to my daughter when she called him crying about losing the baby " Well, now you can focus on your music."

Ummm, hello, Billy Ray? Oh wait, that's not your name, you are just another wanna be who spends his weekends playing drums in dive bars for $20 a night. Really? Can't imagine why I don't want that life for her.

I'm done being nice. I will smile and make polite small talk at the wedding, for Hailey. But after it's over, I'm done being nice. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on you sad, pathetic little man.

Ok, I'm done now. Back to your regularly scheduled program.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Regaining my sanity, one bottle of ribbon tied bubbles at a time

Well hello all of you people who are having much more fun than I am! Just wanted to check in and I promise I will catch up on all of your blogs just as soon as we adjust the crazy around here back to something resembling normal!

I just want to say that I have forgotten how much work goes into a wedding. Maybe I should have talked to them about how romantic eloping is,  a trip to Vegas is faster and less stress inducing.

I'm a little crazy about organization, I make lists, lots and lots of lists. I have lists for everything, I even have lists of my lists. So of course, there are lots of lists for the wedding, what Hailey will wear, what I will wear, Ivy, the bridesmaids. flowers, decorations, ceremony details, you name it, I have a list for it. The only problem is that Hailey and Alex work different shifts than I do so it seems that in the five minutes a day I saw them I was chasing them around beating them with my lists. I started to worry about their paper cuts getting infected so I created, Wedding Command Central.



As you can see it is nicely organized and color coded. We all have a color, me, Hailey, Alex and Alex's mom.  Guess who gets to be purple? That's right, me. You will notice there isn't a color for Hailey's dad. Why, you ask? Because he is being a twatwaffle, but that is a post for another day my friends.

Anyway, the wall of duties is working out, we are slowly getting this shindig together. We have favors,



we have bottles of bubbles tied with ribbon,


we have serving dishes,



the only thing missing is my sanity but I'm working hard to find it. I'm pretty sure it's at the bottom of this wine bottle, and if it's not, by the time I get there, I won't care!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Wedding details will be the death of me

I have missed reading all of your blogs but it seems like I never get a moment to myself. As I write this I am under the blankets with a flashlight and my laptop. Hailey  thinks I'm asleep, if she knew I was awake she would have something else on the wedding list from hell for me to complete. One day soon I'll get to read again, in the meantime I just want to share with you the torment my child is putting me through.

Today was bridesmaid dress shopping. You may remember that my daughter sprung this wedding on me with less than two months notice but just today she realized that the wedding is only 37 DAYS AWAY! She was breathing into a paper bag as she told me where to go. To the dress shops I mean.

Hailey and I were dress shopping alone because one of the hardest things in the world for teenagers to do is coordinate a schedule. We decided she will pick the dresses and the girls can go and try them on when they have time.

Great plan. We went to ten dress shops in less than three hours. We were like the Energizer Bunny on crack. From store to store to store. The wedding colors are canary yellow and rose petal pink. Awwwww. We can find pink every where, the yellow is no where to be found.

At the last store a very nice Asian lady was helping us, we found the perfect pink dress for the maid of honor and it cost less than a kidney transplant so we were on a roll. Then Hailey asked if it came in yellow. The conversation that follows is exact, I can still hear this lady in my head, and I'm still laughing.

Hailey- This dress is perfect. Does it come in yellow?
Sales lady- No, no yellow, yellow no good.
Hailey- Do you have anything similar in yellow, it's the other color of my wedding.
Sales lady- No, no yellow, whites don't like yellow.
Hailey- What?
Sales lady- You Caucasians no like yellow, it's no good.
Me- (as I try not to laugh) We don't really have the skin color for yellow, it doesn't look good on us ( I'm really laughing cause I'm one of those Caucasians who looks horrible in yellow)
Sales lady- Caucasians look good in everything, but they no like yellow, we no have yellow. Choose another color. How about green? You like green?

I almost wet my pants. She was so serious and trying to be so helpful but I really had to get my Caucasian butt out of there. We're still trying to find a store that likes yellow.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Some monsters never sleep

 I've been a little out of touch, a little happy, a little sad and a whole lot crazy. I wanted to share this with you but first I needed Hailey's permission, this is really her story.

 On  June 1st my baby girl graduated from high school, less than three weeks later she turned 18, I know you know that, you read the blogs, saw the pictures. What happened next is the part you don't know.

 The Saturday after she turned 18 Hailey called and said she was coming home from work early, she had gotten light headed and sick at work. We talked on the phone, I said all the normal Mom things, come home, rest, you'll feel better tomorrow. Then my daughter said something that tilted my world on it's axis.

 "I'm going to stop at the store and get ginger ale for my tummy........................ And a pregnancy test."

I don't remember the rest of the conversation. I do remember hearing her little voice from the bathroom after she got home, "Mommy?"

 It was positive. And so was the one her friend made her take when she came over an hour later. And the one another group of friends made her take the next day.

 I shed a lot of tears that weekend. Everything I hoped for my baby's future, gone, or at least on hold, while she raised a baby. Our family and Alex's family all took it very well, including Hailey's Dad. The next day Hailey and Alex decided to get married.  They had originally wanted to get married this summer but I talked them into waiting for a year. Looks like they no longer want to wait.

 Everything is kind of  a blur, Hailey scheduling doctor appointments, me stopping at Target to pick up the prenatal vitamins the doctor told her to take, my niece giving her a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting, Hailey already holding her hand protectively on her tummy.

I had a constant stomach ache. This is the girl who can't find her shoes because she threw her coat on top of them, was she really ready to be a mother? What about that boy? How is he going to support a family? Are they nuts? What makes them think they are responsible enough to raise another human being?

 I busied myself with wedding plans, Hailey wanted to do it quickly before she was too big, a date was set, a dress was picked and sent for alterations. The wedding and baby train were on the track and picking up speed.

Then Hailey came home from work and told me she was spotting. Off to the doctor the next day, ultrasounds and blood work. More blood work a few days later. She miscarried.

I somehow thought that the trouble I had conceiving and the babies I had lost would protect my daughter from the same heartache. I was wrong. I feel like my world has been turned inside out, beaten with a stick and wrung dry. My emotions are not able to keep up.

No, I wasn't happy that my barely 18 year old daughter was pregnant but I am devastated that she lost this baby. This heartbreak is too big for Hailey and Alex, and they shouldn't know it this young. I thought it was hard to lose my babies all those years ago but it is nothing compared to watching your child go through the same pain.

 They are still getting married, if anything, this has brought them closer. I still feel that they should wait, they aren't listening. So the wedding plans march forward while we silently mourn the little one we will never get to hold.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Casual Friday

  Who started this casual Friday stuff and why? Are any of us really more comfortable in jeans than in our usual work attire? Maybe the men are, no button down shirts on Friday, they can break out the T-shirts. Do nurses have casual Friday? Are there scrubs sets made to look like denim?

I usually wear skirts to work. No, not those kind of skirts, there is no leg showing her. I wear  hippie, grandma skirts. the ones that come to your ankles and are all big and floaty so no one can tell that you had two candy bars yesterday instead of one. And sandals, nice comfy flat sandals.

When Friday rolls around I feel obligated to wear jeans. When I wake up I'm excited because it's Friday, then I remember I have to wear jeans. I'm such a follower. I really need to break this habit. I can wear skirts on Friday.

Or maybe from now on I will just get my clothes from here, http://www.blueskyscrubs.com/, and casual Friday will be come, "So you wanna be a nurse" day. I think it could work, the dark blue ones kind of look like jeans, from a distance. With one eye closed.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

July, where did you come from and why are you trying to kill me?

 So, it's July. I totally should have seen this coming, last month being June and all. Still, I'm shocked, especially since today I realized that in 45 days my daughter is getting married.

Yes, you read that right. Apparently my kid hates me enough to pop a wedding on me with less than two months notice. Good thing I love her.

Needless to say there has been a lot going on around here, some happy, some sad, some quite traumatic, but that is a post for another day, with Hailey's approval.

Anyway, instead of blogging I have been tying ribbon on teeny tiny little bottles of bubbles, then curling it. Having a wedding dress altered. Putting together favors. Reserving the park, the photographer, trying to find a minister who will talk about zombies. Just the usual wedding stuff with a dash of weird thrown in, cause that's my girl.

I'm getting ready to do the invitations tonight but felt if I didn't have one little minute of bloggy time I would be crazy. Ok, so crazier.

And, on the Fourth of July, my friends got married, in Trina's backyard, also with less than two months notice. Are you seeing a pattern here? I'm off to make invitations and those annoying little name cards, and maybe mow the grass since it's almost high enough to hide the dog again.