Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Dating a loser in ten easy steps
I went to coffee recently with a guy I used to date. We were talking about life and how we wound up where we are at this point in our lives. Just for the record, he was one of the nice guys, you know, the ones I have to find something wrong with because he is just not enough drama for me to date for real.
As we were drinking our coffee and discussing our mutual love lives, or lack thereof, he said something that made me shoot coffee out of my nose, “You have higher standards than most women.” I almost died laughing, has this man even met me?
Then I realized that I have a wealth of information about dating that I should not keep to myself so I was inspired to write this blog. Here, in ten simple steps, you too can date as many losers as you want. I will teach you to identify them so you can move in for the kill and make them your own. Pay attention, this is important stuff!
1. Does he have a job? If yes, kick him to the curb, in a hurry, how are you supposed to take care of him if he is gainfully employed?
2. Does he have a substance/alcohol abuse problem? It’s ok, you can help him, if you just love him enough he will give up his bad habits, remember, no one understands him like you do.
3. Does he often change plans with you at the last minute, or just forget to show up? Cut him some slack, it’s hard to walk away from those video games when you are winning.
4. Does he have a horrible relationship with his ex wife and children? It’s not his fault, she’s a crazy, evil witch who never understood him. ( See number two)
5. Does he forget things that are important to you? Like birthdays and holidays and to pick you up after work, in your car? Relax, you don’t need gifts anyway, besides, no one ever treated him well so he doesn’t know how to treat you.
6. Does he have another girlfriend? Hang in there, one day he will realize that you are the only one for him.
7. Does he live in his mother’s basement? That’s great, you can rescue him and he can live with you, then you can cook for him, clean up after him, pay his bills and do his laundry all while he wears a spot in your couch with his ass. True love just doesn't get any better than this.
8. Do you often call or text him and get no answer? For days on end? It’s not his fault, cell phone companies are real jerks, just because he didn’t pay his bill for two months is really no reason to shut off his phone. Forget the fact that if the phone is shut off it goes straight to voice mail, remember, he’s not ignoring you, he loves you.
9. Do you pay for all of your dates because he is broke? Don’t worry, sooner or later he will find a job, he just has to find a company that appreciates his special skills, and if he is working and only has money for beer and cigarettes you really should be more understanding.
10. Does he bring you flowers, take you out to dinner, compliment you, open doors for you? This guy is a loser, he’s so boring and predictable, you better break it off now before you get stuck with him.
There you have it ladies. Ten steps to help you identify the next loser you should date. If you choose to do the opposite of what I’ve outlined here don’t blame me, I tried to warn you!