Monday, July 11, 2011

Some monsters never sleep

 I've been a little out of touch, a little happy, a little sad and a whole lot crazy. I wanted to share this with you but first I needed Hailey's permission, this is really her story.

 On  June 1st my baby girl graduated from high school, less than three weeks later she turned 18, I know you know that, you read the blogs, saw the pictures. What happened next is the part you don't know.

 The Saturday after she turned 18 Hailey called and said she was coming home from work early, she had gotten light headed and sick at work. We talked on the phone, I said all the normal Mom things, come home, rest, you'll feel better tomorrow. Then my daughter said something that tilted my world on it's axis.

 "I'm going to stop at the store and get ginger ale for my tummy........................ And a pregnancy test."

I don't remember the rest of the conversation. I do remember hearing her little voice from the bathroom after she got home, "Mommy?"

 It was positive. And so was the one her friend made her take when she came over an hour later. And the one another group of friends made her take the next day.

 I shed a lot of tears that weekend. Everything I hoped for my baby's future, gone, or at least on hold, while she raised a baby. Our family and Alex's family all took it very well, including Hailey's Dad. The next day Hailey and Alex decided to get married.  They had originally wanted to get married this summer but I talked them into waiting for a year. Looks like they no longer want to wait.

 Everything is kind of  a blur, Hailey scheduling doctor appointments, me stopping at Target to pick up the prenatal vitamins the doctor told her to take, my niece giving her a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting, Hailey already holding her hand protectively on her tummy.

I had a constant stomach ache. This is the girl who can't find her shoes because she threw her coat on top of them, was she really ready to be a mother? What about that boy? How is he going to support a family? Are they nuts? What makes them think they are responsible enough to raise another human being?

 I busied myself with wedding plans, Hailey wanted to do it quickly before she was too big, a date was set, a dress was picked and sent for alterations. The wedding and baby train were on the track and picking up speed.

Then Hailey came home from work and told me she was spotting. Off to the doctor the next day, ultrasounds and blood work. More blood work a few days later. She miscarried.

I somehow thought that the trouble I had conceiving and the babies I had lost would protect my daughter from the same heartache. I was wrong. I feel like my world has been turned inside out, beaten with a stick and wrung dry. My emotions are not able to keep up.

No, I wasn't happy that my barely 18 year old daughter was pregnant but I am devastated that she lost this baby. This heartbreak is too big for Hailey and Alex, and they shouldn't know it this young. I thought it was hard to lose my babies all those years ago but it is nothing compared to watching your child go through the same pain.

 They are still getting married, if anything, this has brought them closer. I still feel that they should wait, they aren't listening. So the wedding plans march forward while we silently mourn the little one we will never get to hold.

6 comments:

  1. I am glad this has never been a pain I had to know... I feel for Hailey and you and send prayers and positive wishes your way.. Hopefully she will not have to endure the pain of repeat occurrences the way you did. <3 Maureen

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  2. Hailey is very free willed,stubborn,and hard headed...she gets all this from her Momma,and she will be a beautiful bride and someday a wonderful Mother,she gets this from her Momma too and I am proud and love both of you with all my heart.

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  3. Sending you all lots of hugs and prayers.

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  4. I'm sorry that you all had to deal with this emotional roller coaster. They are so young and now maybe they will focus on maturing a bit before they consider having a family. Birth control I hope. They really are so young. You are a wonderful mom though to support her/them like you do. Someday she will be a great mom too.

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  5. I am so sorry for their loss and your loss. I can't imagine the pain you are all feeling.
    ((HUGS))

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  6. What an emotional roller coaster. I am so sorry. I had my first baby at 21 and I had been married since I was 19. Having a husband and a baby that young is hard in some ways and easier in other ways. I still think it's a better idea to wait a couple of years when you are very young, but people do what they do, Carol. Just support and love her.

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