Monday, May 30, 2011

Top Ten Things We Did NOT Do In Vegas

So I went to Vegas with my sister. All in all it was a pretty boring trip. We both discovered that we are no longer the party animals we once were, now we need naps and an early bedtime. Why do I think there is some Geritol in my future?

So instead of writing a post about all the boring things we did in Vegas I thought I would make a top ten of things we didn't do, but should have.

10. My sister did not get stuck in a bathroom stall and come home with a bruise on her arm and a gouge on her leg.

9. We did not make friends with a 70 year old drink girl who said she was 45. Trust me, if she was 45 Terrie and I were in the casino with fake id's.

8. We did not walk the strip for 6 hours in the wrong shoes and stare at a rather large black man wearing a pink thong and pasties. That was not us.

7. We did not contemplate buying our daughters t-shirts that said "If you think I'm a bitch you should meet my daughter". Our daughters are angels.

6. We were not intoxicated by 11:30 in the afternoon.

5. We did not eat at the buffet so often that all the employees knew us, by name

4 We did not text our baby sister and tell her we found a onsie for her. It said " Don't scare me, I poop easily." Nope, wasn't us.

3. We did not grope young men in the hotel lobby.

2. We did not get our pictures taken groping young men in the lobby cause I totally would have bought them if we did.

1. We did not have a blast spending sister time together, even if we did look special in the pictures we did not take.

If we had done any of those things, we certainly would have had a very interesting story to tell.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Old Wives Tales

Did everyone grow up surrounded by old wives tales or is it just me? Recently I was reminded that at no other time are old wives tales more rampant than when you are pregnant or have a new baby.

Our family recently welcomed our newest addition, my great nephew Noah Nicholas, I’m sure before long you will get tired of hearing about him because I am totally in love, and of course, I’m his favorite.

I’ve been honing my photography skills using the perfect little boy and for the most part he is a really good sport about it.

I was at my sister’s house taking pictures of Noah when he was six days old when all the old wives tales came flooding back. I was walking and bouncing this beautiful boy who was still learning how to control his eyes so they kept crossing. My sister was trying to make sure his eyes were uncrossed for the pictures so she kept making noises and snapping her fingers to get him to uncross his eyes. So what did I do?

I was horrified and turned away with him, “Don’t do that, his eyes will get stuck that way!” Thank you Nanny, I still believe. My sister laughed until I thought she was going to pee her pants.

“What? Nan said if you scare a baby when it’s eyes are crossed they’ll stay that way.” I couldn’t believe she was laughing the face of our grandmother’s wisdom.

“Yes and if you have heartburn when you are pregnant your baby will have lots of hair. We proved that wrong, Nia and Noah were both almost bald.”

“Well Mo had a head full of hair so I’m not taking any chances.”

I started thinking about all the things I had been told

  1.  Don’t let a baby look in the mirror or they will be cross eyed.
  2. Cats will steal your baby’s breath
  3. Don’t take a bath when you are pregnant.
  4. Coffee stunts your growth.
  5. Eating carrots improves your eyesight
  6. Eating bread crust will make you beautiful
  7. Cracking your knuckles causes arthritis.
  8. Walking under a ladder is bad luck.
  9. Breaking a mirror is seven years bad luck.

With all this bad luck just waiting to happen, it's a wonder I can even go outside. As a matter of fact, I was getting ready to go to the store when the neighbors black cat walked across my front yard. Now I have to go out the back door and hop the fence.

It's a good thing I have that food storage, I think I'm going to be here a while.

What crazy things were you told, and possibly still believe, because I totally believe the cross eyed thing.




    - .




    Thursday, May 26, 2011

    Under construction

     No not my neighborhood, although they are starting again now that the weathers warming up. I'm sure you will hear about it before too long.

    My poor little blog is under construction and since we all know how handy I am with power tools, there is no way to predict the end or the outcome.

    I am redesigning and moving things around. I am creating pages on my blog. It only took me three days of googling and following directions to create them. They've been there for a while but once I got them there I didn't know what to put on them so I'm working on it.

    My about me is done, others will follow. I'll be moving stuff on the main page. If you are bored, click around, check things out and let me know what works and what doesn't. Not that I can fix it, but still, it would be nice to know.

    Wednesday, May 25, 2011

    And in other news......

    I've neglected my blog again, although I said I wouldn't, I have and I'm sorry, but life keeps happening. I try really hard to write on here, and on and Examiner and apply for freelance writing jobs and I"m plum tuckered out!

    I do have a full time job. I'm not sure my boss would say I work there full time since I spend a good portion of the day daydreaming about what to write but that's an entirely different story! So I'm working full time, writing as much as humanly possible, taking care of the house and the yard and raising this kid of mine.

    Yesterday I went to the U2 concert, amazing, best stage ever! I took today off work because I knew that after a late concert there was no way I could be at work at six and be productive. Besides, Mo is graduating, I have stuff to do.

    Today I worked in the yard, mowed, weeded and spread some grass seed. I put the veggie garden in a couple weeks ago but the part without veggies had weeds three feet high. Today, I tackled those weeds and as a result I look like a sunburned puffer fish.

    My face is swollen and red and itchy. I seemed to be having an allergic reaction to something in that weed patch. Isn't that lovely? I knew I should have stayed in bed.

    Wednesday, May 18, 2011

    Let's all fly to Vegas!

    Have I mentioned that I hate to fly? Add to that the fact that I’m a worrier, and if you are flying with me, you are having lots of fun. Just ask Terrie.

    My sister and I headed out last week to enjoy the Vegas trip my company so graciously bestowed upon me. Mostly we were excited about the buffet. We really need to get out more.

    I knew the flights were going to pose a problem, I’m scared of flying, did I mention that? Terrie kept promising me alcohol which is the only thing that kept me moving through that line like a lamb to the slaughter.

    Did you know you have to take your shoes off to go through security? Yeah, me neither. Well, maybe I knew and I just forgot. Anyway I bought myself really cute strappy little sandals and Mo even painted my toes for me. My feet looked marvelous. These wonderful little strappy sandals buckled in forty-seven different places and since they were new, they were stiff. I’m doing a one legged hop through the security line trying to get my damn shoes off before they decide I’m a terrorist.

     I’m very afraid they will decide I’m a terrorist and take me into an interrogation room and make me tell them everything I know. You know they never believe you when you tell them you don’t know anything so eventually I would break down and tell them what I know, and God only knows what that is! So I gotta make sure they don’t think I’m a terrorist.

    It must have worked because they let me through with no problem. Now Terrie, (see the similarity to terrorist? Coincidence? I think not!) she had to go through the full body scan, and when she came out they sort of threatened her with a pat down. Terrie wasn't too worried about that but she was kinda pissed that they didn't even mention that she had a nice rack after putting her through the scan.

    We finally got on the plane, I was doing some deep breathing and trying to keep my heart from exploding. After we were seated I did the responsible thing and read the little safety card in the seat pocket in front of me. Bad idea. Now I was worried that the guys sitting by the exit doors would not be any help when we crash landed in the water and I had to slide off the wing wearing my nifty little inflatable life vest.

    Terrie saved the day by reminding me that we were flying from Salt Lake to Vegas so there wasn't any water. We would just slam into the ground going eleventy million miles an hour. I felt so much better about that.

    The seat next to me was empty so of course, some man with no regard for my personal space sat down. He was not an overly large man but apparently he had a water buffalo in his pants that kept his legs from closing so for the entire flight his right leg was in my personal space! I was pissed, he was oblivious as he sat there looking at his girlie magazine and typing a freaking novel on his smart phone.

    I continued checking out the pocket and found my barf bag. I tucked it back in the pocket because if I had to throw up it was going to be right in my neighbors lap. Bet he would move his freaking leg then!

    Finally the pilot said to give me a drink so I'd shut up and I settled in quietly with my alcoholic beverage. Just think, lucky Terrie got to fly with me twice in one week.

    Monday, May 16, 2011

    The Vegas series

    So my sister and I went to Vegas. You may recall my company gave me the trip for superior, super fantastic, out of this world performance. No they didn't say that, but I knew what they meant.

    No trip to Vegas is complete without walking the strip. We totally brought the wrong shoes for a six hour walk up and down the strip in 85 degree heat. When we got back to the hotel we were both hobbling and wonderng if our feet would ever be the same.

    When I got home I decided that before I could write one more blog, I needed new shoes. Happy feet make happy  fingers, or something like that.

    I found this site Bluefly, and boy do they have lots of shoes. They use this acronym BCBG which stand for bon chic, bon genre or holy crap, where can I get some of those shoes!

    While cruising the site I found BCBG shoes! They have some really cute shoes, which made me think of Linda, and then I remembered, I'm supposed to be looking for comfy shoes, not ones that are likely to cause me to break my neck. It's a proven fact that I can't walk in heels, if you just want me to stand there and show you how cute my shoes are, fine. If I gotta move, I gotta take  them off!

    Lucky for me they also had some cute little flats and a pair of boots that  may cause me to sell my firstborn. I think I'll stick to the flats, my toes will thank me.

    More to come on the Vegas trip, as soon as I'm done soaking my tootsies!

    Saturday, May 14, 2011

    Blog in transition

      That's what it says when I click "view blog." My blog is in transition. I've purchased my domain name, don't worry you will be redirected there, or so I'm told. I couldn't believe that someone hadn't already snapped up such a wonderful domain name. What are people thinking? Anyway, I"m happy it was there for me.

    I've also learned how to add pages and one day soon I will add stuff to those pages and I'm going to figure out how to get one of those nifty little buttons, I don't know what they are for, but I want one anyway.

    I've heard you can change your twitter handle so I'm gonna do that too. And try to figure out how to get the tweet button back at the bottom of my posts.

    It's a learning process and I'm a slow learner so please bear with me!

    Wednesday, May 11, 2011

    Today I want to pout

     Today I just want to whine so if that's not what you're looking for, feel free to come back tomorrow.

    It is bugging the crap out of me that no one ever comes to my house to visit. If I want to see anyone I have to go to their houses. Sure, they come over if I have a scheduled event but just to hang out on Friday night? Nope, not gonna happen. If I don't go to their homes I don't get to see them.

    Sometimes I understand. Some of my friends have husbands and I don't, so their hubby's don't want to come and hang out. What I don't understand is why they won't come alone?

    My single friends, it's the same thing. I understand the ones who have young kids, there is nothing for little kids to do at my house, I have a teenage girl, we don't have lots of toys.

    I love my home and love spending time in it. I think I just need to change the rules. If you are looking for me, I'll be upstairs pouting. Maybe tomorrow I'll want to play again.

    Tuesday, May 10, 2011

    Finally, I'm one of the popular girls

    Approximately every 30 seconds my phone goes off. I have so many friends that my phone battery barely makes it through the day. It's amazing that I get anything done at all with all this social interaction.

    So many people talking to me at once. It’s hard to keep up. Sometimes I have to silence my phone just to get a break from all this friendliness.

    Remember when imaginary friends only lived in our heads? Now, mine are everywhere, Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, my blog, you name it, I have friends there.

    My conversations are peppered with references to these people, and it’s perfectly acceptable! No one thinks I’m crazy because my imaginary friends have lives and jobs and kids. Or that they talk to me all the time.

    “ My friend Vicki, she works at that one place……….”

    "My friend Kathryn makes the best......"

    “Yesterday, my friend Jerry did the funniest thing…..”

    “My friend Linda, has the best stories about………..”

    "My friend Gigi, she totally understands why I'm crazy."

    Yes, I say those things, in real life. Is this good or bad? Seems that most of the time I interact with my electronic friends more often than the ones I can see and touch. I know that I struggle to make sure I talk to all my friends and family on a regular basis, but I send a tweet and all my digital friends know what is going on. Maybe I need a twitter group just for my friends.

    I wonder, would we be friends if we lived in the same neighborhood? If my teenager drove too fast past your house, if your dog dug up my flowers. Probably not. The best part about my imaginary friends is that they have no expectations of me and I have none of them.

    Thanks imaginary friends for making me one of the popular girls!

    Monday, May 9, 2011

    You might be a redneck....

    As far as dogs go, Clementine is pretty conservative so most of the time my behavior embarrasses her. Usually she just hides under the bed until the shame passes but this time, I think I may have gone too far.

    Today, I had to mow my lawn with a weed wacker. Now before you start tsk-tsking and shaking your head over my laziness, let me explain how this happened.

    Disclaimer: yes, I know I could have done better but dammit, Mother Nature was against me. This is my story and I'm sticking too it.

    I have a tiny little yard, which suits me just fine. I don't even have a gas powered lawn mower,  I have an old fashioned reel one and with that, front and back, takes 30 minutes. I love my yard.

    In March we had one of those unseasonably warm days, like we do every year, so I decided to work on the sprinklers. In my yard if you wait until the  ground is completely dry it's like digging concrete, not gonna happen. So I got a jump start on the sprinklers. I dug three trenches to use to expand my current sprinkler system.

    Then it got cold, and it snowed and it rained and it snowed, and it rained. And through it all it stayed cold. I spend every spring and summer watering, fertilizing, talking, begging and pleading with my grass to stay nice and green instead of the normal Utah brown it wants to be. Does it listen? Does it appreciate all my hard work? I think not. But, just ignore it for a month  minute or two and this is what happens.

    But I couldn't mow! See I still have the trenches for the sprinklers I've been unable to fix because of the rain, and as a result of those trenches I still have lots of dirt that needs to go back in holes, so obviously I couldn't mow.

    It's beautiful out today so went out to fix the sprinklers, only problem is that it's a freaking jungle out there. I have to mow first.

    Not gonna happen with this.

    So I broke out this.

     Have you ever tried to mow your yard with a weed eater? Easier said then done, let me tell you. I was wacking and raking and dumping grass when I saw this:

    No, I don't actually speak dog but the bag of milk bones by the door says it all.

    Wednesday, May 4, 2011

    I can't even spell technologically savvy

       I have made some additional writing commitments lately but was determined not to abandon my blog. I spent several hours this past weekend composing witty, articulate, well thought out posts. Then I scheduled them to be delivered to the blog world on their appointed day and time.

      Apparently, in addition to all the other things I'm confused about I somehow that yesterday was yesterday as well as today and scheduled yesterday and today's posts for yesterday. Which left me postless for today.

      Never fear, I will not let you down, I found some useless information in my head that ya'll don't know about me and I'm compelled to share.

    1. I hate when people try to sell me stuff. Not because they are trying to sell it but because I am dumb enough to buy it and I already have enough stuff that I can't afford and will never use, most of it's under my bed, except for the rice cooker.
    2. I sit on an exercise ball at the computer. Just hear me out. I have to choose between reading blogs and exercise so I'm multitasking. The name of the thing has "exercise" in it so that's half the battle, right?
    3. I talk to myself, a lot. Now before you go looking for a blog written by someone with a few less bats in the belfry, let me explain. Since my little baby bird is not so little anymore and spends more and more time running screaming flying from the nest, I spend more and more time alone. It's just me and Clementine and she is not a very good conversationalist. At least I speak when I am spoken to, even if it's just by me.
    4. I covet things on other peoples blogs. Not their husbands or children or homes. Their appliances. I know I don't cook but those appliances taunt me with their sleek lines and many uses.
      That's it, I think there was more but I just realized I'm out of wine. Tell me something useless about you, it will empty your head for something important, like finding your car keys.

    Tuesday, May 3, 2011

    BRB I'm O2L

       I text, a lot. I instant message, a lot. As a result of those things I struggle with capitalization and punctuation. Our written communication is deteriorating. In addition to lack of capital letters and comma’s, abbreviations are taking over our language.

       I’m not a fan of text abbreviations, mostly because my phone auto corrects everything so I wind up sending texts that make absolutely no sense.

    • OMG ROFLMAO you kill me- becomes - ooh roman you kill me
    • WTF are you thinking - becomes- yum are you thinking

        Kids use abbreviations more than most, Mo is pretty much a stickler for the English language so she doesn't abbreviate or misspell very often. One thing she does when I ask a question is "mhm" of course that is yes, why it's not easier to just type yes I don't know. I've decided that means Most Honorable Mother. It's my world remember.

    Lately at work it seems like we are receiving more and more emails that include texting abbreviations.

    Hello Joyce,
    BTW Can I use YM if there are any questions about BP's?

     That is an actual email received at work. OMG is invading our spoken communication as well. I think it makes the person saying it sound like an idiot with a 7th grade education, but hey, who am I to judge?

    I am guilty of LOL’ing with the best of them, however, I have never been tempted to email a client with texting abbreviations. Is this acceptable? Is this professional? Are we losing our ability to speak in full sentences? Enquiring minds what to know.

    One word at a time

    I think when you become a parent you are implanted with a chip that helps you encourage your child to dream. How many times have we held those tiny hands and told our babies they could achieve great things, wonderful things, the things that make them truly happy, if only they will apply themselves.

    My wonderful child is bright, funny and gifted, and she could care less. I spout all of the Momisms to try to motivate her but I have come to realize that maybe the reason she doesn’t listen to my wonderful words of wisdom is, well….. because I don’t listen to them myself.

    Recently I wrote a blog about my dream. I want to write, I want to live where it’s warm, I want to dance to the beat of my own drum, in my own time, in my own way.

    Mostly, I want to write. I love writing, I truly enjoy finding the story that is waiting for me. So what do I do when I get home from work? I read, I Facebook, I check blogs, I play computer games, everything and anything to avoid writing. But I love writing! What I don’t love is this overwhelming fear of failure. If I don’t try, very hard anyway, then I can’t possibly fail because I didn’t give it everything I had because dammit if I did I would have been successful!

    So, instead of giving it all I have and running the risk of really, truly failing, I just don’t try that hard. Hmmm, sounds awfully familiar.

    This little blog has become a place to get things out of my head. With my blog I can write without risk, people either like a post and comment or they don’t like it and don’t say anything. I’m happy when there are comments but not devastated when there aren’t. I love my blog and the people I’ve “met” through blogging and the family I’ve reconnected with, it has all been wonderful. Sadly, it doesn’t pay the bills.

    It is time for me to stop procrastinating, stop waiting for one day, today is the only day that is guaranteed. I also need to teach Mo that failure is necessary for success.

    When I wrote that blog about my dream it started the ball rolling. I started thinking about what I want, I may not know exactly how I’m going to get there but I do know what I want. I have my five year plan firmly in place. Five years from now I will still be writing but I will be somewhere else, doing what I love, full time, when you read it.

    I have a motto for my five year plan- One word at a time- that’s how I plan to build the life I want and get to where I’m going. One word at a time, either on my blog, my Examiner articles or now, on where I will be there new single parent blogger.

    One step at a time, one day at a time, one word at a time. It’s already starting to make a difference. What a wonderful feeling.

    Monday, May 2, 2011

    MS Walk

       Saturday was the MS Walk here in sunny Utah. Trina and I look forward to it every year. Last year we took Ivy, it was just the three of us. A very wonderful morning spend with my best friend and the cutest little MS walker anywhere.

       We decided that this year we need a team. We were going to go all out. Round up lots of people and spend an enjoyable Saturday morning with them. It was great to see everyone getting on board. Our team had 50 people by the time the walk rolled around.

      What we did not have- Mother Nature's blessing. I woke up to four inches of snow and it was still coming down. I called Trina and said "This is not gonna happen my friend, I've donated my money, I'm staying where it's warm. and dry." Really, walking in the snow, voluntarily, on the last day of April? I freaking think not!

       A few minutes later I get a text from Trina that says she may have to go, the kids are up and ready. My response- bribe them.

      Trina didn't think it was a good idea to bribe her children not to participate in a fundraiser, I hate when she's right. The kids decided they would stay home, Trina went back to bed and me? I'm trying to figure out why they call it global warming.