Saturday, April 9, 2011

Let's play ball!

   Now that Mo is on the verge of adulthood, spreading her wings, leaving the nest, I thought it was time to break out the embarrassing stories. As I've told her all her life, one day you are going to tell your therapist it's all my fault, might as well make sure you mean it!

  When my darling daughter was 14, in 8th grade and grappling with her sexuality, I was on a company sponsored co-ed softball team. We were pretty much the worst team in the league but we had fun dammit! Mo had a girlfriend at that time named Tori who I had a very strong....dislike for. I didn't dislike her because she was a girl, I disliked her because I was pretty sure she was a swamp rat.

  I played second base, amazing I know but I think they liked to keep me where they could keep an eye on me. Anyway, at one of our late games sometime between when the ball left the pitchers hand and when it connected with my eye socket, I somehow managed to lose sight of it.

  I didn't really know what happened but I was dropped to my hands and knees. Everyone came running up trying to get me to stand up and I just kept saying, "Get my sister, I want my sister." My sister was in the outfield, she came running in, looked at my eye and said to the pitcher, " I think I see bone, she needs to go to the hospital."

  So I wound up with seven stitches and a huge shiner. The team won the game for me, it was the only one we won.

  The next day was Friday, I called in to work, no way was I going to be seen in public with this black eye. I sent Mo off to school and settled in for a relaxing, unplanned, day off.

  The phone rang an hour later, it was the middle school:
  "Could I speak with Mo's mother, this is Mr. Principal from the middle school."
 "Speaking, is Mo ok?"
  "She's fine, but we are going to need you to come pick the little heathen up, she's been suspended."
  "Suspended? For what?"
  "Public displays of affection in the school hallway."
  "Oh" What else could I say?
   "With a GIRL!!!" Mr. Principal said in such a prissy little voice that I swear I could hear his asshole puckering.
  "Oh, about that, her father and I feel that children should have the freedom to discover who they are without conforming to society's expectations, in other words, we're ok with it."
  "Well, the school is not, she was warned and still, she continued, you need to come get her, we can't have her on school property, she's a bad influence you know."
  "Fine, I'm on my way."

  Maybe that wasn't exactly what he said but it was the feeling I got. I called Mo's father, I couldn't go to school looking like that. He informed me he was on a job site over an hour away, sorry, can't help you.

  I got dressed, just because I had a black eye and a delinquent kid didn't mean that I was without pride! I get to the school, walk through the office to Mr. Principal's office where he starts lecturing me on proper middle school behavior all while doing his best to look anywhere but my face.
 They bring Mo in and she is pissed. We leave and I'm pissed because not only did she get suspended but I had to go to school looking like a battered wife and she was disrespectful to Mr. Principal.

  In the car I start lecturing her, about following the rules, respect, you name it, I lectured about it, and somehow in the conversation I threw out this nugget of wisdom.

  "Do you have any idea what those people think of our family now? They think we are trash, you get suspended, I walk in with a black eye, they probably think your father beats me."
  "No they don't Mommy, they all know you and Daddy are divorced."
  "Great, they think my boyfriend beats me.

 Oh well, at least the PTA stopped calling.




  1. if they knew you they would ask "how bad is the other guy?" and have you told this story to here boyfriend yet? I think it would be a fun thing to do. michael c.

  2. :-) That's our JOB, as parents, to embarrass those darn children.....cause you know they've embarrassed us to no end (can I recall CLEARLY the time MC said [out loud, I might add] "What is HE doing here?" about the nearly bald man at the barber shop?)

  3. Omg, that's the funniest shit I've ever heard! Poor Mo...poor YOU...that poor, poor principal! Hilarious, honey.


Say it, you know you wanna!