Saturday, April 30, 2011

The Royal Wedding- Off with her head!

  I don't really want anyone to cut off Kate's head, I just like saying that. Camilla, maybe, Kate, no she is darling, and her sister Pippa, very lovely.
  I had a post for yesterday, it was  in my head and all the little notes in my dayplanner, just waiting to come together. Didn't happen. I came home from work, and became wedding obsessed.

  I watched all the footage I could find of Will and Kate, then I started looking at footage of Diana and Charles, then that leads to footage of Diana and her boys, then Harry's tribute to his mother. There is certainly a lot of coverage of that family.

   I recently watched the Kings Speech, if you haven't watched it i highly recommend it. I loved that movie and suddenly wanted to be British. I tried the accent but I'm really bad at accents so maybe British isn't good for me.

   All the references to Prince William marrying a "commoner" cracked me up. You can only interbreed for so long, every couple generations you have to introduce some new blood otherwise you become Kentucky or Alabama.. To make everyone feel better the genealogists did their research and found that Kate and William are 15th cousins.

   Kate looked lovely, William dashing as always, the Queen, she looked very much like her mother, I think she is 85 now. My favorite part was the music, all that pomp and circumstance, how can you not feel like a princess with all that going on.

  One last thing, the little frowning girl is taking over the Internet, if you go to Buzzfeed you can see all the places little Grace has visited that were just too loud!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

The land Mother Nature forgot

  It's not nice to fool Mother Nature. Remember that commercial, I do, and I took it to heart, don't mess with Mother Nature. Apparently she has no such hang ups about messing with me.

  Utah has become a garden war zone. Last year I planted my veggie garden three times, it snowed on it twice and killed it. The third time it snowed but it was also over 60 degrees within 15 minutes so everything lived. Sort of.

  Last year we had approximately 60 seconds of spring. It snowed on May 24th and then a week later it was 95 degrees. The plants we managed to nurture through the snow were fried before they even had a chance. Even my zucchini did poorly, and who ever heard of zucchini that wouldn't grow?

  This year I'm afraid we are in the same boat again. We had one beautiful 65 degree day in March and I went out back and dug trenches for the new sprinkler heads.

  Now it's a month later and between the rain and the snow I still have trenches in the back yard and to top it all off, the grass is ten inches tall. I can't mow the lawn until I get the dirt in the trenches. I can't get the dirt in the holes until it stops raining, and snowing and hailing for more than 15 minutes.

  I realize I live in the desert and I should be grateful, I am grateful dammit, I'm just afraid that the new leaves on my tree are gonna get confused and start changing colors. Even the damn geese are confused.

  So if you find a little sunshine, please send it our way. I need to fill in those holes before I lose Clementine in the high grass.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Text obsession

   Remember your first cell phone? The one the size of a shoe box that weighed as much as a brick and was only used in the car? The good ole days.

   Now everyone has a cell phone, even my Daddy, which is the weirdest thing in the world because in my adult life I think I've talked to my father less than 20 times on the phone, and they were all holidays. Usually I talk to Mom and she says- Dad says Merry Christmas and he loves you- but now Daddy has a cell phone.

  Mo has had a cell phone since she was 12, as a single mother it made it easier for me to track her every move. I get a little upset if I call her and she doesn't answer, after all, I pay the damn bill, use the phone to talk to me!

  Cell phones make things so much easier in some ways, but so much more annoying in others. There is no more running out of the tub to get a ringing phone, it's always right there with me. No more waiting by the phone for a call, take it with you and talk where ever you are.

   Texting is another wonderful thing about cell phone, who needs to actually talk to people anymore. I'm grateful for unlimited texting plans because if I had to pay just one dollar  for every text Mo sends in a month it would be more than I make in a year.

  Texting is a funny thing, you can take things the wrong way sometimes and that can cause an uncomfortable moment or two. It does make it easier to respond to someone when it's not possible to answer the phone.

  Today, however, I learned how bad this addiction really is, my daughter and her friends text in the shower. Yes, in the shower.  Is there really anything so important it can't wait the ten minutes it takes you to shower?

  Apparently it is important for this next generation to never be out of touch, unless that is, their mother is calling.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Ahhh, vacation

   My company was recently acquired by a much larger company, kinda like a shark swallowing a minnow. I'm sure there are going to be lots and lots of positive things that come out of this wonderful acquisition, I'm just having trouble thinking what they are right at this minute.

   No one likes change so most of my grumbling has to do with things changing. I do like change, it is exciting and unknown, but at the same time it always makes me a bit nervous, because it is unknown.

   One change that has been made is that our vacation time no longer rolls from year to year, now they are FORCING us to take time off!! The nerve of these people. Don't they know I hoard my time off like small little diamonds so that when Prince Charming comes and sweeps me off my feet I will have months and months of free time to spend with him, and get paid for it?

   At the beginning of the year I had 200 hours of paid time off that I have to use before December. I'm not a vacationer, I don't really go places, I have lots of stress about flying and getting lost and not knowing the customs of places like California. I usually take long weekends and do yard work.

  I took Spring Break off to spend with my daughter. I actually saw her for less than 10 hours in the 5 days I took off.

  So what did I do you ask? Well, I live in Utah, the lovely land Mother Nature forgot. I was hoping to use this time to work in my yard, but it's been cold and rainy and all around sucked. So, this is what I did.

  Since my darling daughter abandoned me, there wasn't anyone to take my picture so I had to search the Web. This was me, except I'm woman, never got out of my sweats, and I was smiling because I remembered to get wine for my vacation. But, close enough!

Monday, April 25, 2011

The rumor heard round the internet

  I despise Internet rumors. Many of us seem to think that if something gets forwarded to us from a friend, it must be the truth. When did we start believing everything we hear?

   I don't care who you vote for, but at least try to find the truth. I get a minimum of five emails a week about President Obama, all of them easily verified as untruths, but no one takes the time to look. When I look at the email trail it came from, there are dozens of people, now passing the same thing around.

    I'm almost tempted to start a separate blog with posts that consist of the rumor and the links to the truth. Most of the emails are just childish, someone in the school yard pointing and trying to start trouble, but some of them are mean spirited.

   "You voted for Obama to prove you weren't a racist, now vote against him to prove you're not an idiot."

   Why? Give me reasons, and another option. If there is someone who is a better candidate, I will vote for him or her, but until then, I feel confident in my president's ability to lead this county.

   The people who pass these emails on are not stupid people, just ill informed. The reality of it is, we can find anything we are looking for  to support our point of view, regardless of what it is, online. The Internet contains a wealth of information, and just like this blog, anyone can write it.

   Ok, now I'm really on my soap box, I'm afraid I'm going to have to take on these rumors. I won't do it hear, hopefully I'll still have something funny to say here, but on my other blog, Offending the Masses, I will.

   Now, I'm off to search for something funny to write here.


Sunday, April 24, 2011

Earth Day, a couple days late

  Better late than never! I think every day should be Earth Day. Not in a celebration kind of way, just in a conscious living way.  When you think about it, our parents were trying to teach us to conserve our natural resources long before it was cool.

  "Shut that door, do you think I'm heating the outside?"
  " Turn off the light in your room or you'll pay the electric bill"
  " You are not too old to take a bath with your sisters."
  " How many bikes does one family need? Share or do without."

  Now granted, most of those came from a financial standpoint rather than an earth friendly one, but the outcome was the same. I've said some of those very things to Mo, not about the siblings, I conserved my natural resources, and sanity, by not giving her any.

   I try to live a green life, and try to get Mo to do the same. One of our biggest disagreements is whether or not it is possible to sleep with the TV off, I say yes, she says no. Since I go to bed before she does, she wins by default.

  We do recycle, I'm learning to compost, I try to reduce and reuse. Sometimes I throw things away, without thinking, other times I buy things I don't need. No one's perfect, but I do try.

  Having said all of that, I just wanted to let everyone know that I am the Salt Lake City Recycling Examiner. I write articles about recycling in my neighborhood. It's fun and I'm learning more things to do with stuff I previously had no idea how to recycle. Check it out, some of the ideas will work in your home town too.

  Also, they are always looking for people to write local articles. So if you would like to write about what you know, where you live, click here and get started. You don't have to be an expert, after all, they let me do it!


Saturday, April 23, 2011

Doggie 'Do's

Clementine got her hair cut. Then we had a thunderstorm, not her best day. This little dog of mine loves to ride in the car, until I pull up at Petsmart or the vet. Then she just shakes. She is so smart, I know everyone says that about their dogs (and kids) but this time it's true.

When we go for a drive she sits in the back window until she recognizes the area, then one of two things happen, she either shakes or tries to jump out the window when the car is moving.

If I'm taking her somewhere she doesn't like, she shakes but if I'm taking her to Clay and Tree's to play with her friends she just about kills me trying to get out of the car.

Also, as much as she hates the groomer, she knows it's new toy day so as soon as we come out of the grooming salon she runs right over to the toy aisle and stands there with her little turned out paws, waiting for me to come and get the toy she wants.

Stinking dog, good thing she's cute!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Viva Las Vegas

   I am enjoying Spring Break off from work. I thought this would be a wonderful chance to spend some bonding time with my beautiful daughter. When I told her I was looking forward to us having some Mommy and Me time she said " You know my friends are off for Spring Break too, right?" What kind of kid would rather spend Spring Break with her friends than with her one and only Mom? Ungrateful, I tell ya!

   Before I left work on Wednesday for my mini vacation we had a Standard Of Excellence luncheon. Every month people who exceed their goals are invited to a luncheon. I always hope I make it, I love to eat, the recognition is nice too.

  Wednesday's luncheon was for November and December, we are running a little behind, it was also to announce the President's Club. Now here's the good part. They let me in. I know, I know, I was as shocked as you are, guess all that internet sufing work I did paid off.

  The best part? Our prize of course! This year the five of us get three days off with pay and an all expense paid trip to Vegas for ourselves and a guest, in May. Hell to the yeah!

   I'm taking my sister Terrie, she and I have never been anywhere, just the two of us. We are going to have a blast, the company has arranged several activities for us to participate in but mostly we will be drinking and gambling.

   I've included our lovely little group picture, no I don't work with flowers and butterflies but I wasn't sure how my co workers would feel about seeing themselves on my blog. I don't know if they read it, but just in case. When I get back from Vegas I do still have to work with these people.

   Look out Vegas, the sisters are on their way!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

You have got to be kidding!!!!!

   I'm not very political, I vote, there is just not a lot of science behind it. It you look like a nice guy and sound like you have some good ideas, I'm gonna vote for you. I voted for President Obama and I will most likely vote for him again.

  Especially when you consider the options. Say it with me-----Donald Trump----seriously?  He's not a nice man, he is rude and says unkind things to and about people. Yes, he has lots and lots of money, but when the going gets tough, The Donald simply files bankruptcy and starts all over again, is that an option for our country?

  Also, morally, I think our dear friend Mr. Trump, may be bankrupt there as well. What does this say about the Republican party if Donald Trump is at the top of their polls?

   For once, I am speechless. It will be a sad day when our county is swayed by the size of someones net worth rather than the scope of his ideas.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Tell me your dreams....not the sex ones!

  We all have dreams, isn't it wonderful to dream. I remember when I was Mo's age and my dream was to meet my Prince Charming, get married and have 13 kids. Well, I got married, then I got married again and started on my passel of children. When Mo was born my first words to her, " I hope you don't mind being an only child, because Mommy is NEVER doing that dumb shit again!" I know, tender moment. Pushing one small head out of my girlie bits cured me of ever wanting to do it again.
   Time for a new dream: I was going to be the best wife and mommy in the world. My baby was going to be the smartest, kindest, most wonderful of child who would cure cancer by the age of 15, we would have a marriage that others would envy.
   Then I got divorced again, and for those of you keeping track, I got divorced again. I decided it was time to set some goals.

   I wanted to make a certain amount of money per year, buy a home and pay off my car. Surprisingly, considering my track record, I achieved those goals.

  Now it's time for the dreams. Who am I now that I'm not who I  thought I was? That was the first line to a short story I wrote and actually my inspiration for this blog. Who am I now that I am no longer someones wife and my child is grown?

   I've been thinking about it a lot, this is my current dream. I live in North Carolina, preferably close to the beach, in a little tiny clapboard house with a wide front porch. I make enough money writing to support myself.It's a tiny town, I ride my bike everywhere, mostly to the liquor store of course. In the evenings I sit on the front porch with a glass of wine and watch the lightning bugs.

  It's my dream, and it makes me happy. A guy at work today asked me why North Carolina and without thinking I said, " I think I left a piece of my soul there." I'm not sure where that came from but that's what it feels like.

   It's a five year plan. This is the starting point and that little house is the goal.I haven't figured out all the steps in between but I'm sure they'll come to me, in time. After all, my soul is waiting.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Let's play ball!

   Now that Mo is on the verge of adulthood, spreading her wings, leaving the nest, I thought it was time to break out the embarrassing stories. As I've told her all her life, one day you are going to tell your therapist it's all my fault, might as well make sure you mean it!

  When my darling daughter was 14, in 8th grade and grappling with her sexuality, I was on a company sponsored co-ed softball team. We were pretty much the worst team in the league but we had fun dammit! Mo had a girlfriend at that time named Tori who I had a very strong....dislike for. I didn't dislike her because she was a girl, I disliked her because I was pretty sure she was a swamp rat.

  I played second base, amazing I know but I think they liked to keep me where they could keep an eye on me. Anyway, at one of our late games sometime between when the ball left the pitchers hand and when it connected with my eye socket, I somehow managed to lose sight of it.

  I didn't really know what happened but I was dropped to my hands and knees. Everyone came running up trying to get me to stand up and I just kept saying, "Get my sister, I want my sister." My sister was in the outfield, she came running in, looked at my eye and said to the pitcher, " I think I see bone, she needs to go to the hospital."

  So I wound up with seven stitches and a huge shiner. The team won the game for me, it was the only one we won.

  The next day was Friday, I called in to work, no way was I going to be seen in public with this black eye. I sent Mo off to school and settled in for a relaxing, unplanned, day off.

  The phone rang an hour later, it was the middle school:
  "Could I speak with Mo's mother, this is Mr. Principal from the middle school."
 "Speaking, is Mo ok?"
  "She's fine, but we are going to need you to come pick the little heathen up, she's been suspended."
  "Suspended? For what?"
  "Public displays of affection in the school hallway."
  "Oh" What else could I say?
   "With a GIRL!!!" Mr. Principal said in such a prissy little voice that I swear I could hear his asshole puckering.
  "Oh, about that, her father and I feel that children should have the freedom to discover who they are without conforming to society's expectations, in other words, we're ok with it."
  "Well, the school is not, she was warned and still, she continued, you need to come get her, we can't have her on school property, she's a bad influence you know."
  "Fine, I'm on my way."

  Maybe that wasn't exactly what he said but it was the feeling I got. I called Mo's father, I couldn't go to school looking like that. He informed me he was on a job site over an hour away, sorry, can't help you.

  I got dressed, just because I had a black eye and a delinquent kid didn't mean that I was without pride! I get to the school, walk through the office to Mr. Principal's office where he starts lecturing me on proper middle school behavior all while doing his best to look anywhere but my face.
 They bring Mo in and she is pissed. We leave and I'm pissed because not only did she get suspended but I had to go to school looking like a battered wife and she was disrespectful to Mr. Principal.

  In the car I start lecturing her, about following the rules, respect, you name it, I lectured about it, and somehow in the conversation I threw out this nugget of wisdom.

  "Do you have any idea what those people think of our family now? They think we are trash, you get suspended, I walk in with a black eye, they probably think your father beats me."
  "No they don't Mommy, they all know you and Daddy are divorced."
  "Great, they think my boyfriend beats me.

 Oh well, at least the PTA stopped calling.



Friday, April 8, 2011

I'm not the worst mom in the world!!

   It was close, I was trying really, really hard, but someone has beaten me this year and I can't think of anything I can do to get that bad mom crown back.

   I went to Walmart, don't roll your eyes, you know they have everything, anyway..... I always park at the edge of the parking lot, I get a little exercise and have more time for people watching on my way into the store.

  As I'm walking to the store I see a woman standing in front of the store. She looks to be early 20's she has a baby on her hip and two little ones standing next to her, maybe three and five. This little Mommy is talking on her cell phone and smoking a cigarette. I remember thinking at least they are outside so the smoke isn't going directly in that little ones face.

  She starts digging in her purse for something, now I want you to think for a minute, she has a baby on her hip, a cell phone to her ear, and a cigarette in her mouth. This isn't working, so how does this wonderful mother solve the problem of too few hands? Why she leans right over and asks the oldest of her kids, the five year old, to hold her cigarette.
  There it goes, I see it going, my worst Mommy crown. I don't know who I'm sadder for, me or her children.

  Well, there's always next year.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

So very close....

   This has been a very strange year for me. First, let me tell you I'm an overprotective parent, the kind that wipe their babies chubby little hands off after an elderly lady at the store just has to stop and tell you how adorable your little one is. And that, was only the beginning.
     I am, by nature, a worrier. I remember when I was young and my grandmother got sick and I was so afraid that she would die that when she didn't I came to the conclusion that if you worried about something enough, it didn't come true. So I worried, about everything and everyone. So far it's worked, my family is safe and sound thanks to my worrying.
     When it comes to Mo, I prefer to anticipate and avoid rather than worry. I do enough worrying, if I can head some of that off, all the better.
     Until Mo had her own car she really didn't have much of a life. I didn't let her go many places and if she did, I dropped her off and picked her up, long before she could get up to any foolishness.
     Now that she's 17, (75 days from being 18), suddenly she has a life, and very little of it includes me. I hardly ever see that kid! She is in her senior year of high school and works 5 nights a week. The nights she doesn't work, I make sure I have nothing to do so we can spend some time together, instead, I get some version of the following:
 "I'm at Ria's be home later.
  " Colton and I are going snowboarding. Be home later."
   " I'm going to the mall with Dennis, be home later."
   The list is endless, every day there is something new for her to do, and I sit at home, and wait. You would think with all this free time I would get lots accomplished. Not so much. I read a little, write a little, wander the house, and take lots of bubble baths, just waiting for my girl to come home.  And worry, did I forget to mention the worrying? I'm worried until she comes home every night.
   Thank God for curfew, otherwise I might not survive.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Self centered blogging has begun!

My blog, how I’ve missed you! Funny how the little things, small changes, snowball until you have no idea where you are or how you got there.

In November I took the month off from blogging to write a 50,000 word novel for NaNoWriMo. It was fun, I hit my goal and showed myself what I can do if I put my nose to the grindstone.

Somehow, all that writing left me without my blogging mojo. I was sure it would come back, I wrote a bit here and there, but nothing seemed to come easy and what did come was not pleasing to my ear. So, more often than not, I hit delete.

I kept telling myself after the holidays I would get back on track, I was busy shopping, planning, cooking, baking, decorating. There has to be a limit to creativity, maybe I was just using mine in other directions.

Then my friend was murdered. I found that so difficult to wrap my mind around, after all, things like murder don’t happen to people I know, people I love.

Writing became even more difficult, especially my blog. It all seemed so petty, unimportant and narcissistic. It felt so exceedingly selfish to want people to read about my small, insignificant life. I’m still struggling with that, I keep remembering that other people have real problems and that I should be grateful instead of spending my time bitching about life in general.

I am grateful, I know I am so very blessed and that I have absolutely nothing to complain about………..but just try telling me that when the snow is killing my tree, the dog keeps pissing on the carpet, the dome light in my car won’t work, Uncle Sam is withholding my tax refund, my mortgage company is run by morons and I broke a freaking nail.

Fortunately I still have wine, and you, my friends, to get me over the rough spots.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Welcome to Utah, tomorrow will be - who the hell knows!

   I've been here for almost 16 years, I should have adapted, I should be prepared, these things should not catch me off guard! But they do.
   Friday and Saturday were beautiful, perfect days, near 70 , sunny, making me want to sing on a mountain top beautiful.
   Sunday? You've got to be freaking kidding me. Six inches of snow, Mother Nature trying to kill my tree again. I was outside at 9am wearing boxers and snow boots, banging the snow off my tree to save it's life.
   Utah, you are not my friend right now!

Monday, April 4, 2011

Hockey games and beauty advice

    Saturday night I had a date. I know, what are the chances? He must be a brave fella cause it was a third date so I'm starting to question his sanity.
    Anyway, we went to a hockey game. Nothing I like better than beer and men kicking each other's asses in the name of sports.
   Before we found our seats, I needed to find the ladies room. In I go, and as I get ready to hang my purse on the hook on the door, I see this:
  I start laughing, granted it's a stop smoking campaign, but in the ladies room? I have to take a picture which I immediately share with the gentleman who was kind enough to bring me to the game. He laughs, but I'm not sure if he thought it was funny or he thought I was making fun of him. He may have a hair or two less than he did at 20.
 We enjoy the beer, the game and the company of the people around us. There is even a little person on the ice so I send a picture to Joyce because they frighten her. All in all, a good time.
  As we are leaving, once again, I need the ladies room. Into the stall I go, and this time:

  Now they are getting personal. Still I had to laugh, I wanted to look in all the other stalls and see what other kind of harm smoking was inflicting on my dating life but I was laughing too hard.

  Maybe it's really time to quit.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Where have I been? Why to see the queen of course!

  So the title of this blog has nothing to do with the actual content of the blog but since I didn't have a title, that one seemed as good as any.
  It is finally April.. I love spring, I love thinking about spring and knowing its on its way. Winter, this year especially, has not been very good to me.
  This year winter decided to thoroughly kick my butt, I lost my friend, I became a sloth, gained ten pounds ( ok, so it's closer to fifteen SHUT UP!), I lost my blogging mojo and, just for kicks, old man winter broke my tree.
  That tree was the first thing I fell in love with about my house. When I was getting myself ready to buy a house and riding around looking, from the outside, this house caught my eye because of that tree. It was beautiful, it was perfect. It's some kind of flowering pear that is perfectly round and amazing. I loved it. When Mo decided this house felt like home I was so happy, because of that tree.
    I kept thinking that I wanted to take pictures of my beautiful tree in each season and frame them and hang them on the wall in my living room. I loved that tree.
   I live in Utah, where snow is fluffy and light, it's almost fun to shovel because it's like fairy dust. Ok that was a little over the top, but you get the picture.
   This year, we got a heavy, wet, hateful snow. I woke up in the morning and thought we had six feet of snow because my beautiful tree was touching the ground. I ran to the garage and opened the door to, at the most, six inches. What the hell?
    I looked at my tree, my beautiful perfect tree and found it broken. Every branch, except the one directly in the middle of the tree, was bent to the ground under the weight of that snow. I started shaking branches, to free my tree of this heavy demon and that is when I discovered it was broken.
    My tree has become a symbol for this winter, everything has been cold, lonely and broken, with burdens too heavy to bear. Just when I thought winter was going to last forever, my great nephew was born. Noah came into the world on the first day of Spring, and like all babies, brings with him the hope of a brighter day. Welcome to the world Noah, we are so very glad you are here. Just one more reason to love Spring.

Friday, April 1, 2011

I want to be a lady of leisure

   I've given it a lot of thought and when I grow up, I want to be a lady of leisure. You know, sit in a lounge chair all day, eating bon bons and thinking great thoughts. That's the life for me.

   Don't get me wrong, I have a job I like and I'm good at it, it's just so......job like. I mean, I have to dress a certain way, be there at a certain time and, as if that weren't enough, I have to be productive when I'm there! What are they thinking?

   Every morning when I wake up, before I open my eyes, I think " This is it, this is the day I wake up independently wealthy." Every day, I'm wrong. But I keep hoping.

  Today I decided that I'm not doing anything to become wealthy and that's why I'm not, so it's time to take stock of my many gifts and talents.

  1. I am the best......wait, I'll come back to this one.
  2. See number one.

  That's right, I could not come up with one single thing to help me on the road to wealth and leisure. I'm good at many things, just nothing people will pay me for. I can sing off key like nobody else, I can move my eyes independently, I can still do a back bend, I'm great at rearranging furniture, I can alphabetize my spices ( not that I would, but I could), I know how to use all swear words in their proper context  and hummingbirds like me.

  All important, even vital skills, but not wealth inducing. A google search for wealth opportunities for bendy, swearing friends of hummingbirds yields nothing. Maybe I'm just not wording it right, you know how finicky google can be. I'll try again tomorrow.