Friday, April 30, 2010

Follow me Friday

Friday Follow





It's Friday, my favorite day. And because it's follow me Friday I would like to say something witty so you come back again but right now I'm feeling whiny, not witty.

So, in honor of that I'm having my very own pity party. Seems the lovely c-diff bacteria doesn't like to be told to go away so after two weeks of antibiotics (and no alchohol) it's back. Doctor says three more weeks of antibiotics (and no alcohol) so if I'm a little grumpy, please forgive me. Parts of me hurt that I'm used to being unaware of, no fun. I'm back to my whiny place. Check out my friends on follow me friday. I'm sure soon I'll have something funny to say again.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Things I learned today


Some days I think I know everything. Most of the time I’m right but today I learned some new things and feel compelled to share them with you.

1. Excel is my bitch. That’s right, I’m awesome at Excel, unless of course it’s something I don’t know how to do, then you are on your own.

2. Judging by the frost I scraped off my windshield this morning I would have to say Father Time is not getting any because Mother Nature is frigid.

3. In my office, if you stand just right and look out the window it looks like a UFO is landing on the temple. My food storage is not ready, I’m failing as a Utahn.

4. Snow in April throws off my internal holiday calendar. When I looked out the window and saw the snow, I started thinking about whether or not I should put the Christmas wreath back on my door.

I return you to your regularly scheduled work day. These things just couldn’t wait.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I"m full of awesome randomness today

And wine, now that I'm off that awful antibiotic I am once again fortifying myself with large quantities of wine. That may be why I'm full of randomness as well.

My first little bit of randomness- I am technically challenged. Last night my wonderful friend Kathyrn from http://www.theinternalmakeover.com/, was talking to me on Twitter only I'm so challenged that to respond to each Tweet I had to run to the computer cause I can't figure out how to do it on my phone! Also, that whole inserting links into your post, Heather tried to help me but apparently I'm beyond help.

Also challenged and random, I bought a netbook so I could write from anywhere, but it seems that the version I purchased is possessed by Satan ( or maybe one of his minions, I know he's busy) because I will be engrossed in getting the next chapter of my book down when suddenly I find that my netbook has decided the sentence I'm typing really needs to go into the middle of the first paragraph. WTF? Satan, I'm sure you have better things to do with your time,leave me alone!

Second bit of randomness. I love yoga, it's like exercise for lazy people. Makes it perfect for me.

Third bit of randomness. My post from yesterday, well, I've gotten quite a bit of feedback and it seems that according to Playboy radio, there is a place online you can recycle your used sex toys. You know I had to check that out. The absolute best thing about the site? The pictures:



So not only can you recycle your dildo but they will give you a $5 credit so you can buy a dildo out of recycled material. Even for an earth friendly girl like myself, that's a bit much.

And my friend at work is afraid, God forbid, that something is going to happen to me and while cleaning out my house my family is going to find my carefully wrapped and duct taped vibrators and wonder how weird I really was. I told her they all read this blog so I'm sure they will make sure they get to the vibrators before Mo does so I dont' have to pay for therapy from the grave.

And my final bit of randomness, some of you should stop reading now, so don't say you weren't warned. Yoga always makes me have to poop. Is this normal?

Thanks for letting me pour this randomness from my head into your capable hands. I think you know what you need to do now. I'm going to bed!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Naughty Girls Recycle Too




Tonight is one of those nights made for cleaning closets. The wind is howling and the lovely Mother Nature is gearing up to remind Utah that we were insane to put “Greatest Snow on Earth” on our license plates! Four more days of snow. Right now with the wind and coming snow I’m just hoping that the guys who put on my new roof last week knew what they were doing!

Back to the closet cleaning. You may remember that recently I got rid of an old boyfriend. After the initial break up I purged the obvious, his toothbrush, that hideous shirt he left here, the letter he wrote, that’s right, just one, and it wasn’t to me, it was to my daughter.

I thought he was gone. Then I opened my closet and found, tucked in my travel bag, the sex toys we bought together. Ahhh, what fond memories I have of Sergio and Bob. Unfortunately, those memories also include him and a trip to the local naughty store that ended up with some seriously heavy petting in the parking garage.

They must go! I didn’t know that sex toys could have a face, but these have his and it is time for them to go. Being the earth friendly girl I am, I found myself on the horns of a dilemma. I hate to throw things in the trash if they could possibly have a second life or be recycled. I couldn’t imagine Sergio and Bob would find a new home at the local thrift store so I diligently searched them for the little recycling triangle. Hmmm, it’s not there.

So I did what I always do, I blocked my cell phone number and called the local recycling line.

“Hello, Waste Management, how can I help you.”

“ Hi, umm, I have a question about recycling.”

“ Great, what city do you live in?’

“West Jordan”

“Are you aware we have curbside recycling, we can have a can delivered to your house for recyclables, it will be picked up with your regular trash.”

“ Yes, I know, I have one of those cans. My question is about what I can put in those cans. I was cleaning out some closets and came across some……battery powered toys. Are those recyclable?"

“Well, the batteries are recycled differently but if the toys are recyclable they will have the symbol on them.”

“ I looked for the symbol and didn’t find it.”

“ What kind of toys are they? Trucks and cars its usually on the underside. Legos, building blocks, things like that it’s usually on the container it came in.”

“ I don’t have the package they came in.”

“ Well just tell me the type of toy and I’ll tell you where to look.”

She is being so very patient with me, wonderful recycling goddess that she is.

“ Ummmm, they’re kind of, well, they are adult toys.”

“ Adult toys? You’re kidding right? I don’t have time to play these sick games with you lady.”

And she hung up on me! I guess Sergio and Bob will meet their maker at the dump. I carefully removed their batteries and wrapped them individually, taped them up with duct tape and put them in a shoe box secured with more duct tape.

I’m hiding them until trash day. I mean, I’m not Paris Hilton but I am Nicolas Cage’s next wife and the last thing I need for the paparazzi to get a hold of these!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Prince Charming wanted: Apply within




Wanted: My very own Prince Charming. Someone to love me and share my life. Must be handsome, stong, kind and able to make me laugh.

Seems simple enough don’t you think? After all, I've certainly kissed my share of frogs.

Sadly, those few little words that describe Prince Charming are really just code for a whole slew of things.

1. Handsome- tall, broad shoulders, thick hair, kind eyes, kissable lips , nice teeth, nice smile, great laugh, strong hands, nice chest, dresses well, arms that wrap around me and make me feel safe, cute butt, and good looking enough to make my friends envious.

2. Strong- able to leap tall buildings and take out the trash, stamina, morally strong, does the right thing and able to carry me to bed when I’ve vomited under the trampoline ( don't ask)

3. Kind- to me obviously but also to kids, dogs, old people and the less fortunate, he also is blind to my faults without actually being blind.

4. Able to make me laugh- not at him but with him. It really is a bonding experience when someone makes you snort the beverage you’re drinking out of your nose. Someone who remembers all the things that are important to me, my birthday, the day we met, our first kiss, that I’m sometimes sad on Mondays, I know do I want a boyfriend or a day planner? Flowers for no reason.

Those are just the obvious, then there are lots of little things. Lateness makes me crazy. So does sloppiness, laziness and addictions. He can’t live in front of the TV. He needs to be spiritual but not obsessed. Active. And, he can’t wear Velcro shoes.

Am I asking for too much?

Oh, and just so you know, as soon as I get these things, I decide that, although those things are wonderful, what I REALLY want is.......

Sunday, April 25, 2010

The cake lady strikes again


Yesterday was Baylee's second birthday party. I made her cake because it's what I do. The kids were all so cute, running around the park and having the best time.

As always we mom's were talking and what did we talk about? Vibrators, of course. Birthday parties and random fun, life doesn't get any better than this.

MS Walk Salt Lake City


Yesterday was the annual MS Walk here in Salt Lake. Trina and I took Ivy and became team TMI for MS. It was a great day for the walk and an even better day for friendship.

We both decided that next year we need to do the whole nine yards, get a larger team, make matching Tshirts and raise as much money as possible. We all know someone touched by MS and it's small way to do something, when you don't know what to do.

But that's next year. This year was about us. Trina and I love to spend time together, talking about nothing, enjoying each other's company. I'm so thankful for that, Trina is what a friend should be, everyone should be so lucky.

Friday, April 23, 2010

I gotta penis, wanna see?


Ok, I don't have a penis, this is about men and their fascination with their own penises.

It starts when they are babies and discover they have one, the hand goes down the diaper and really doesn’t come out until they go to school. Even then, every chance they get they are checking on it. Grown men constantly checking on Mister Winky. Do they really need to touch their penis twice during a ten minute conversation? Do they think if someone stepped between us while we were talking and tried to make off with their penis we wouldn’t notice? And that hand in your pocket buddy, you’re not fooling anyone!



Back to my point. Men like their penises and are very proud of them exhibited by the fact that they like to show them off. I have mentioned online dating, and I keep meaning to talk about it more but some of the things that happen are difficult for me to believe, and l lived them!

I have met several men online lately, and just so you know, I’m not a member of Hookups R Us, I’m talking about EHarmony, supposedly the premier site for women looking to get married so they don’t have to mow the lawn. I mean looking for a nice man to go out to dinner with.

Anyway, if you have belonged to EHarmony you know that actually getting to talk to someone is a process, the great computer in the sky sends you matches, you answer their questions, they answer yours, you do it again, then some stuff you actually have to write answers to since it’s not multiple choice and finally the match making computer will let you send an email.

Generally it takes a week or so to get to the email stage, depending on how busy the two of you are and how tired you are of answering the same questions over and over again. Finally, an email. So you email back and forth a few times, he asks for your number, he calls, you have a few nice conversations then you move to text messaging.

Let me say I’m a huge fan of text messaging, you can do it anywhere, and sometimes I just have a quick question to ask and don’t have time for a ten minute conversation, texting fills that need.

Now we are not just talking on the phone but texting as well, it’s been about two weeks, I’m getting sweet good morning, hope you’re having a great day, texts, it’s all good. Until suddenly, out of no where, maybe you were texting about going out to dinner and suddenly, there is a picture of a penis on my phone.

I don’t know your middle name, if your parents are still alive, I’ve never actually seen you in the flesh but I have a picture of your penis on my phone? If this happened once I would write it off to some people’s children but I have received enough penis pictures that I’m tempted to start a web site, “Do you know this penis”

You know when I think about penises the most? When I haven’t seen one in a while! Sending me a picture of your penis does not make me drop my panties, hop in the car and run right to you. In fact, the exact opposite happens, if you show me your penis, I don’t want to see it again.

The first time it happened I’m thinking, where is he , I thought he was at work, how is he taking pictures of his penis. And why? Now, I think these men have a gallery of penis pictures on their phone, because after they send the first one and I haven’t responded because I’m on my cell phone’s web site trying to figure out how to block their number, they send another text “ Wanna see more?” Seriously?


Don’t get me wrong, I like penises, I think about them quite often and check them out when I can. If a woman tells you she has never checked out a guy’s package she is lying! Or married, but then she’s still lying. My niece and I went to a Keith Urban concert and she said “ I can see his weenie Aunt Missi” so when my sister and I went to Trace Adkins and his jeans were oh so tight ( love that man) in my drunken giddiness I decided to text my niece and tell her. I sent “ Katie, I can see his weenge” There is no spell check on my phone and I’ve been Aunt Weenge ever since.


Where’s the mystery? Maybe that’s why men like boobs, women don’t go around whipping out their boobs for everyone to see, well, most of the time we don’t, so when we do It’s a special occasion! So guys, if you are reading this looking for online dating tips, delete your penis pictures, we don’t wanna see. Ok, we want to see but not on our phone for hell’s sake. Besides, that screen is awfully small,not exactly the impression you wanted to give now is it?

Follow me Friday

Friday Follow



Friday Follow is a great and fun bloghop hosted by One 2 Try, Hearts Make Families and Midday Escapades . This is a great place to read amazing blogs. You might find an interesting blog you'd like to follow and have friends along the way!

Unfortunately I don't know yet how to include links in my posts so you may have to do some digging to figure this out and I'm sure you can, as you are all light years ahead of me in computer literacy.


I’m finding all these nifty theme days by checking out my friend’s blogs, it’s great when you can’t think of a single thing to say, you can just go with the theme! Anyway, today is follow me Friday but never fear, I also have a penis post to share with you later. In the meantime I have linked up with another blog and am finding new and wonderful people to stalk, I mean follow! Check it out and come along for the ride. Who knows, you may find a new friend or two!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Roadblocks





A few days ago I wrote a short blog about the roadblocks I’ve encountered in the past month so I thought I would elaborate. Usually my birthday month is one of my favorites, it’s a month for me! This year, not so much.

Roadblock 1: Starting a few days before my birthday I got sick, it took almost three weeks to find out what was wrong with me so I could get an antibiotic to take care of it.


Roadblock 2: When the nurse called to give me my diagnosis and tell me that she had called in the antibiotic to cure it she casually asked if not drinking alcohol would be a problem. I said of course not, I mean I’ve gone without alcohol much longer than two weeks. That was before I was raising a teenager. Now all I can think about is a glass of wine,I may have a problem.


Roadblock 3: Did I mention puppy poop? Not really a roadblock since I did it to myself.


Roadblock 4: My computer died. A month or so ago Mo plugged her Ipod into the usb port on the front to charge and it wouldn’t work. We thought it was the Ipod but a quick visit to Best Buy said the Ipod was fine. We figured out it was the usb ports, all of them, front and back. Oh well, not a big deal. Then the computer stopped recognizing anything plugged into it, including the mouse, keyboard and monitor.


Roadblock 5: Men and dating, more to come about this later but let's just say, it's a problem.


So there you have it, my month. I failed at project 365 because I could not get the pictures to upload and by the time I figured out how to do it from my netbook I was so far behind it seemed pointless. My blog has suffered, but never fear, I have lots more to say.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Why we blog





I don't know about anyone else but the reasons I blog are many, I have much to say, it makes me feel like I'm getting closer to living my dream, and sometimes, I just have to get rid of the things in my head.

Sometimes when we write, especially on our blogs, we consider the audience. I know there are things I don't say because I know my Mom reads this! And then there are the people you don't want to hurt. Occasionally someone reads your blog and finds that you have written about them, maybe not in a favorable light, but you didn't know they read your blog. That happened to me recently. The blog I posted about my ex boyfriend getting married, somehow he found it and read it, then sent me an email. Twat waffle.

I told a friend who recently started her own blog about it, and I think now she is afraid to write, afraid someone who will not be gentle with her heart will read it. Another blog I follow posted something from her past, just short little sentences about things she did when she was younger, nothing the rest of us haven't done, but she got so many negative comments that she took it down.

I say fuck 'em! I'm tired of filtering what I say to please people. I don't care if you don't like it, don't read it. It's time to get back to the reason I started this blog, to be honest, to say what I mean, and if people don't like it, oh well, this is who I am, warts and all.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Something witty here

I was going to put FML as the title of this blog but realized that's not really how I feel. It's just been about a month of roadblocks and I'm getting a little dizzy from running in circles. Tomorrow, a real post, with lots of swear words and venting. Tonight I just want to veg. Thanks for sticking around my bloggy friends.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The Poop Palace

As many of you know I recently lost my mind and decided that since I don't have time to OWN another dog, I should foster. Yes, because fostering a momma and her seven, count them SEVEN puppies requires absolutely no time commitment.

I have to say, initially it was wonderful. The puppies were three days old, palm sized and oh so very cute. The mom is the best dog and such a good little Momma. Down in the basement they go, throw a blanket on the floor and mom takes care of them. It's all very beautiful and serene. I'm feeling very proud of my good deed.

Fast forward two weeks, we've ripped up the carpet in the basement because....that's a lot of puppies! We now have a huge kennel that they live in so life is still fairly good. Starting to get cocky, thinking I have this fostering thing down, I'm saving the world, one dog at a time.

Fast forward two more weeks, but first I need to explain. During this time I got very ill. I won't gross you out with the details but somehow I managed to get a friendly little bacteria known as C-diff. For those of you not familiar with this, let's just say I lost seven pounds in two weeks, not sure if it was from the bacteria or from all the running to the bathroom, either way, my jeans fit better. Bonus!

Added bonus, at four weeks the puppies can start eating dog food. How cute is that? Soak it down with some water and watch seven little puppies learn to eat from something other then their mother's scary, dragging the floor milk pockets. Cute, cute, cute. Please remember, what you put in a puppy, must come out. Starting to wonder about this fostering thing but with all the time I'm spending in the bathroom I'm really not noticing what the puppies are doing.

Prior to eating dog food Momma was cleaning up her puppies messes. If you have any experience with dogs you know this is what the mother does, she keeps the area clean by eating the puppy poop. Think about this the next time a female dog licks you in the face.

Anyway, Shiloh is still trying her best to keep up with the steady stream of shit her babies are producing and doing a bang up job. I mean really, if they told me before I got pregnant that I would have to eat the baby poop, I would have had a hysterectomy on the spot.

The house is starting to smell really, really bad. No matter how often I scrub it smells like shit. Then a wonderful thing happens, but it's one of those wonderful things that has a dark side. Shiloh got adopted when the puppies were six weeks old. They were eating and she had weaned them. We were afraid no one would want Shiloh and her deformed baby suckers so we were so happy that someone did. Yeah!!!

Then comes the dark side. No one is eating the puppy poop. If I thought it smelled bad before I was mistaken. I'm getting up at 4:30 in the morning to scrape puppy shit off the floor before work, I'm coming home from work and scraping it up again, and then before I go to bed and still all I can smell is puppy poop. Oh, and they bark. So I'm basically scraping shit in my sleep, oh wait, who can sleep with seven barking puppies?

So, the bright side is four of the seven have been adopted, so far three of those have been picked up. I did a happy dance as each car pulled away. One less pooping machine! It's gotten so bad I'm actually trying to figure a mathematical equation about how much less poop there will be to soothe myself. It's kind of like rocking in the corner and sucking your thumb, only I can't suck my thumb because even with gloves my poop scrubbing hands are grossing me out.

It has been wonderful, watching the puppies, they've gotten so big. It's nice to think we helped Shiloh and her babies find their people. I'm not sure I would foster a litter again anytime soon, but I would like to foster another dog.

Clementine, however, is not impressed.



Once again, I learned some pretty important stuff.
1. Seven puppies is a lot, no, really, I thought I knew that, but I had no idea.
2. No matter how hard you try, they are gonna pee on the carpet.
3. Nothing you do will prepare you for the amount of poop that seven puppies produce.
4. Once they find their bark you will not sleep again until they go to college, I mean their new homes.
5. Did I mention the poop?
6. And the biggest thing I learned, concrete is porous. So even after they leave my house is going to smell like shit until I seal the concrete. So as I mentioned before, preparation doesn't matter, you are in puppy hell.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

The return of the cake lady

It's been a while since I've had a cake request, I was starting to think I was losing my touch, but then Terrie asked for a cake. A boob cake to be exact.

No problem! A boob cake will be, well, a piece of cake! I thought I could just make the boobs in mixing bowls like you do for Barbie's dress. Terrie wanted BIG boobs.

After Terrie made this request I got quite sick and had a ton going on so I wasn't sure I would have the time. I called our local exotic bakery and they wanted $150!! For some freaking boobs? Someone was smoking crack, looks like I'm making the cake.

All day Friday at work I'm thinking about the boob cake. Suddenly I realize, they need to jiggle! Jello jigglers! Perfect! Now I'm excited!

I get up Saturday morning, make the jello, bake the cakes to use as the base. Two round cakes for the boobie bases and one sheet cake for the torso.

I take everything to Terrie's to assemble. It's going well, I got the torso trimmed and add the jello boobs. So far so good.

Then, I learned an important lesson. You cannot frost jello. Oh, you can frost it, but in about five minutes it all starts to slide.

And also, jello jigglers are too heavy to sit on top of regular cakes. So my frosting is sliding and now, so are my boobs. Well, not MY boobs, the jello ones.

Ok, let's try whipped cream in a can. Whipped cream sticks to boobs, I mean jello, right? So we cover the boobs with whip cream and add the nipples I made out of gum drops and stick it all in the fridge because we want to surprise Mark.



It was a surprise all right. The whipped cream slid right off the jello, just like the icing and the right boob would not stay on the cake no matter what, it kept making a run for it.

I think Mark liked it anyway.



Note to self, next time use fondant.

Project 365 day 15

Story still to come.....


boob cake on 365 Project

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Project 365 Day 14

My favorite flower, I think it looks like sunshine.



daffodil on 365 Project

You said what?

Don't you love when you are having a perfectly normal conversation and out of no where something falls out of your mouth that makes no sense in this universe?

Mo: What's with all the jello in the fridge?
Me: It's for Uncle Mark's boobs.

We both looked at each other and started laughing. Good thing Uncle Mark doesn't read my blog. There is more to this story and it will come later, with pictures!

Friday, April 9, 2010

Project 365 Day 13

This is an old picture but it always makes me laugh. I took Mo and her cousin to Vegas to see a band they liked. Needless to say these two little girls received quite the education while we were there.

Grown men were grabbing them on the street and asking what they were doing later. I was ready to kill someone. Then a prostitute on the bus gave them an education about some of the many sexual deviations men visit hookers for, kill me now!

We went into the gift shop, harmless right? Not in Vegas. There was a big stuffed parrot that had a motion detector in it that made it talk. When the girls walked past him he said " Nice tits." They thought it was funny.

As soon as they put their pimp hats on, something they were doing triggered the parrot and just as I went to snap the picture he said "Polly wants a blowjob" This picture is the girls reaction.




hai and nia on 365 Project

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Project 365 Day 12

Clementine hates the groomer. She get's all excited when you get the leash but as soon as we pull into the parking lot she is pissed! This picture is 9 pounds of angry. Even when I got her home and gave her a treat she was still mad at me. Oh, and she never lets them wash her face.



clementine on 365 Project

My Blog is Carbon Neutral

Yes I am one of those annoying people who is trying to go green. I try really, really hard. I think it's worth it, I don't want my grandchildren to inherit a garbage heap.

What are some of the ways you can go green? I'm sure everyone has heard them all by now but I'm gonna repeat them anyway.

1. Plastic is the devil. Unfortunately I say this to you as I drink my diet green tea out of a plastic bottle. I try to rationalize, it's difficult to recycle glass in Utah so isn't it better to buy plastic and recycle it, than throw glass in the landfill? Probably not.I'm working on it. Anyway, stop buying plastic, stop heating food in the microwave in plastic, stop bringing home plastic bags from the store. Use reusable bags, they irritate the hell out of the cashiers who need to get you through the line in a certain amount of time, so make sure you go through the bitchy lady's line and you will be wearing a secret passive aggressive smile! It's a win/win!



2. Paper products, while not the devil, are certainly not earth friendly. Paper towels, paper plates, paper napkins, toilet paper. Ok, you can't really give up toilet paper but do you want a whole tree to die so you can wipe your ass? Buy recycled as much as possible. The recycled toilet papers are like wiping your girlie bits with sandpaper but if we all buy them and email the company and say " You know, I like being earth friendly and all, but can you be just a little friendlier to my girlie bits? I'll be forever grateful and always buy your paper." It may work. There are lots of paper products that contain a high percentage of "post consumer recycled content" Buy those if you must, better still, use a towel for everything but toilet paper-unless you don't really like your friends anyway.

3. Cleaning products. Do you have any idea what is in those products you are spraying around your children? If you wouldn't rub it on your kids why would you put it anywhere they can touch, crawl over or lick? Vinegar and baking soda will clean most things, yes sometimes it requires a little more scrubbing, but watching the vinegar and baking soda bubble in the toilet makes me happy. Or you can just stop cleaning. That one has my vote and so far it's going well for me.

4. Water conservation. Don't let the water run while you brush your teeth, wash your face, get the kid out of the trash can, etc. Showers instead of baths, and showering with a friend doesn't count as water conservation, no one's that quick!

I will get down from my soap box now and put it in the recycle bin. Now my blog is carbon neutral. I found a website, through another blog, that will plant a tree if I write about going green, thus the little button on my sidebar. You can do it too, and you should.

Monday, April 5, 2010

It's a bad day for fairy tales at my house.


I'm pissed. I've decided my life is ruined and it's all Walt Disney's fault. All those happy little movies about true love and princes.. Bullshit I say! You, Walt have single handedly ruined my life. Ok, maybe it wasn't totally Walt's fault but I'm not into taking responsibility today so let's see how he has ruined love for us normal girls.

Cinderella- poor little rich girl, living among the cinders, doing chores for her evil stepmother and ugly stepsister, forced to wear rags instead of the really cool clothes at the mall, until one magic day........A crack smoking fairy grants her wish and lets her go to the ball. Once there she meets Prince Charming who is so captivated by her that he searches the entire Kingdom for the one girl that fits in the Walmart slippers the aforementioned crack smoking fairy gave her!

Who among us has not imagined that her mother was an evil stepmother every time she made us, God forbid, clean our rooms, put away our laundry, do the dishes, etc. Certainly our REAL mother would never treat us like that. It only stands to reason since this is not our real mother, Prince Charming certainly must be on his way.

Snow White- beautiful girl, evil stepmother, a handful of dwarfs, handsome Prince.

Sleeping Beauty- beautiful girl, evil fairy, handsome Prince- are you seeing a pattern here?

The absolute worst has to be Beauty and the Beast. To this day, I live my life by this fairy tale. No matter how awful he is, what vile things he says and does, I just know that my love will reveal the prince he is. I think I'm gonna vomit!

Do I sound a bitter? Maybe a little. I know it's not poor old Walt's fault but dammit I'm tired of being responsible for my choices. Walt taught me if I was pretty and kind, nice to creatures in the forest and dwarfs then no one would be able to resist my charm. Prince Charming would be searching high and low after just one glimpse of my beautiful face, he must have me for his Queen.

Instead I sit here, at this computer, wishing I had more dwarfs in my life, maybe some singing mice, because then, all would be well.

It's all your fault Walt and I've heard you had yourself frozen to be revived later. Well, buddy, I just want you to know cryogenic storage is in my future, if only so I can give you the ass kicking you so richly deserve for deluding generations of gullible little girls.

In the meantime, I'm going to go sing a song and hand feed some birds, just in case.

Someday my Prince will come....

Some day, some time on 365 Project

Saturday, April 3, 2010

If I don't want you, why does this still hurt?

If you have read my archives ( and I hope you have!) then you know that not too long ago I broke up with my boyfriend of three and a half years after his OTHER girlfriend emailed me on Facebook and basically asked me what I was doing with HER boyfriend!

So, good riddance to bad rubbish. She and I are now friends and we say the best thing that came out of our relationships with him is that we found a new friend. I'm not sorry it ended, in my heart I knew he wasn't right for me. Still, I spent three and a half years loving this man, convinced that if I just loved him enough, he would get over his issues and see what we could have together.

That's a long time, especially in dog years, which is what it felt like sometimes. I loved him, I tried to make him happy, I loved his children, I accepted his flaws and hoped he accepted mine. I even bought the house I did because it had room for all of our children.

Now, six short months after we are finally over, I find out he is getting married. WTF??!! This is the man who wasn't ready for a commitment.

I've met her, she's very nice, but still........ I can't help but ask, why her and not me? What is wrong with me that is right with her? Now he's buying rings and furniture and doing her Honey Do list.

As silly as it is, all the things that he told me were "wrong" with me, keep running through my head.

I know logically that just because those things were wrong to him, they won't be to my Prince Charming. Still, it makes me question myself. Am I too independent? What is too independent? I'm successful in my chosen field, is that really a bad thing? Are all men going to be weird if I make more money than they do? I'm handier around the house than he is, I'm eighteen months older than he is, I speak my mind, if you are two hours late for a date, I won't be waiting when you finally call, are those really bad traits?

It's hard to look at ourselves objectively and I don't want to be the woman marrying him, but that part of me that craves acceptance is still sitting there, with a bewildered look on her face thinking " Why wasn't I enough?"

Friday, April 2, 2010

Day 6

Friday napping on 365 Project


My nap between working all week and dancing all weekend.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Who is this woman?

It happened a few years ago. To me, I thought I looked exactly like I’ve always looked. Until I went to the DMV to renew my license. The process has changed, thanks to digital photography, you can now preview your picture to see if you like it. I don’t know about you but when I go to renew my license I work hard to look good, the pictures are always horrible so I try to make them a little less so, it never works but I’m hopeful!

So I go to the DMV. I’m pleasantly surprised that it only take minutes instead of the usual hours and then I’m getting my picture taken. It must have been "take your grandpa to work" day because the gentleman who took my picture was at least 80. He was also one of the kindest people ever, he called me young lady several times which made me want to put him in my will except I realized he probably didn’t want my thimble collection.

I’m smiling like a goon because he is making me laugh and he takes the picture and turns the monitor my way so I can see it.

“ What do you think, young lady, do you want me to take another one or will you keep this one.”

I looked at the picture. In stunned silence.

“Why is there a picture of a middle aged woman on my drivers license?”

Grandpa laughed pretty hard at that and said we could take it again. I declined and left DMV, sure it was the camera they used. All drivers license pictures look like crap.

But it kept happening, every picture I thought I was in, suddenly there was a middle aged woman taking my place. In Mo's birthday pictures, in pictures with my sisters, Ivy, my online dating pictures.

Who is she and why is she stalking me? What does she want? My job, my car, my kid, my thimble collection?

I was starting to get concerned until I realized it's just a trick of the light and the camera. When I look in the mirror I look exactly the same as I did when I was twenty-five. They say the camera adds ten pounds, well I want to tell you even worse than that, it adds fifteen years!