Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Why I don't cook
I keep mentioning in my blog that I do not cook. I can heat stuff up with the best of them but actual cooking. I'll leave that to the pros. after all, there is a fast food joint on every corner.
You wanna know why I don't cook? Rules!!! I know they are called recipes but to me, they are just rules. I hate when pieces of paper try to tell me what to do. I will bake anything you want, because usually that involves chocolate and all kinds of sweetness so I get a reward for following the rules, but cooking? Not enough reward there.
I am not a good grocery shopper, I mean who buys tomato paste, on purpose? I can't imagine saying to myself " I must stop at the store because we are fresh out of tomato paste." Yeah, not gonna happen. So since I don't have tomato paste, or most other things used in cooking I have to improvise.
Take chili for instance, here is a recipe from online and my substitutions:
• 12 oz tomato paste- cream cheese and red food coloring
• 16 oz tomato sauce- ketchup
• 3 24oz cans red kidney beans (drained)- green beans
• 6 Tablespoons garlic powder- Mrs Dash, lots and lots of Mrs Dash- its the only spice I have
• 3 Tablespoons onion powder- see above
• 2 Tablespoons ground cumin- see above
• 2 Tablespoons parsley- see above
• 2 Teaspoons oregano- stop talking about spices!
• 1/2 Teaspoon salt- i have salt!!
• 1/2 Teaspoon ground black pepper- no pepper in my food
• 1 Tablespoon chipotle powder- what the hell is this?
• 1 Teaspoon habenero chile powder- cinnamon- it's the same color
• 1 medium onion, chopped- onion
• 4 whole red habeneros (deveined, deseeded and chopped) nope- I hate hot stuff
• 6 jalepenos (deveined, deseeded and chopped) nope again
• 2 New Mexican chiles (deveined, deseeded and chopped) see above
• 1/2 pound elbow macaroni- just use whats in the mac and cheese box and add the cheese packet so there's no waste.
• 1 pound steak of choice- roast beef from the deli
• 1 pound ground beef- hamburger from McDonald's
• 1 pound ground pork- nope
• 6 oz beer (1/2 can)- like I'm gonna waste beer on other people! I added milk because of the mac and cheese, I was all kinds of inventive that day!
Then after giving you a laundry list of stuff to throw in a pot, the stupid recipe wants to tell you what to do with it. My only cooking rule is don't put aluminium foil in the microwave.
I don't understand why no one wants to come over for dinner.