Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Why I don't cook




   I keep mentioning in my blog that I do not cook. I can heat stuff up with the best of them but actual cooking. I'll leave that to the pros. after all, there is a fast food joint on every corner.

    You wanna know why I don't cook? Rules!!! I know they are called recipes but to me, they are just rules. I hate when pieces of paper try to tell me what to do. I will bake anything you want, because usually that involves chocolate and all kinds of sweetness so I get a reward for following the rules, but cooking? Not enough reward there.

     I am not a good grocery shopper, I mean who buys tomato paste, on purpose? I can't imagine saying to myself " I must stop at the store because we are fresh out of tomato paste." Yeah, not gonna happen. So since I don't have tomato paste, or most other things used in cooking I have to improvise.

     Take chili for instance, here is a recipe from online and my substitutions:

• 12 oz tomato paste- cream cheese and red food coloring

• 16 oz tomato sauce- ketchup

• 3 24oz cans red kidney beans (drained)- green beans

• 6 Tablespoons garlic powder- Mrs Dash, lots and lots of Mrs Dash- its the only spice I have

• 3 Tablespoons onion powder- see above

• 2 Tablespoons ground cumin- see above

• 2 Tablespoons parsley- see above

• 2 Teaspoons oregano- stop talking about spices!

• 1/2 Teaspoon salt- i have salt!!

• 1/2 Teaspoon ground black pepper- no pepper in my food

• 1 Tablespoon chipotle powder- what the hell is this?

• 1 Teaspoon habenero chile powder- cinnamon- it's the same color

• 1 medium onion, chopped- onion

• 4 whole red habeneros (deveined, deseeded and chopped) nope- I hate hot stuff

• 6 jalepenos (deveined, deseeded and chopped) nope again

• 2 New Mexican chiles (deveined, deseeded and chopped) see above

• 1/2 pound elbow macaroni- just use whats in the mac and cheese box and add the cheese packet so there's no waste.

• 1 pound steak of choice- roast beef from the deli

• 1 pound ground beef- hamburger from McDonald's

• 1 pound ground pork- nope

• 6 oz beer (1/2 can)- like I'm gonna waste beer on other people! I added milk because of the mac and cheese, I was all kinds of inventive that day!

   Then after giving you a laundry list of stuff to throw in a pot, the stupid recipe wants to tell you what to do with it. My only cooking rule is don't put aluminium foil in the microwave.

   I don't understand why no one wants to come over for dinner.


  1. Well, hell. It made sense to me! I'd come over for dinner.

  2. Woww! I like cooking but then that long list of ingredients is quite discouraging.

  3. Oh, God...you are SUCH A HOOT! I love your explanations and reasoning behind just completely ignoring what "they" tell you to do!

    I can only imagine what that mixture would taste like...(gags a little)

    Now, pass me that beer. I think you left it in the rice cooker...

  4. I give a high five to Kathryn....pass me the beer....left it in the rice cooker....OMH, laughed my ass off. But then, who knows where the rice cooker is...she shoved it into that cupboard that holds the other appliances that have never been used. Love ya, Carol!

  5. Well, you guys can always invite me over to dinner. I'll give you a never used rice cooker as a hostess gift!


  7. Carol, I'm with you my friend. I don't cook either (baking doesn't count). And you got it - exactly who says to themselves they need to stop and pick up tomato paster (on purpose)? Well, I'll tell you - that would be my husband. At last count we had at least twelve cans of tomato paste and about eleventy-million cans of tomatoes. Cause, in his words, "ya never know." I don't even know what he's talking about.

  8. Carol, sweetie, you are missing out! Cooking does not have to be about rules. I don't use recipes, but I love to cook. I have good taste buds and can usually identify what's in any dish I get at a restaurant. Then I experiment. I don't use canned foods, only fresh. In California, we have a lot of organic foods and I find they are better tasting and better for you. It's not hard, it's creative and fun! I think you need to come and visit me and I'll show you.

  9. Actually I agree with you about recipes. Sometimes I will dig out a recipe for something that sounds good....look at how long and complicated it is and end up saying, "Screw this!" So I sometimes end up trying to make whatever it is by making it up as I go along. I would never make it in chef school.

    It's gotta' be simple and fun or I'm out of there.

    And hon, I would come over to dinner any time.


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