Tuesday, September 14, 2010

It's happened... I've become a Utahn!!!

First I want to say, I love Utah, I love living here and I think it's been a wonderful place to raise Mo. I also think that one of the reasons this place is so wonderful is because of the Mormons.

Now having said that, I gotta tell you, those Mormons are a strange bunch, and I'm not just talking about the liquor laws and baptizing the dead. They believe in being prepared. Not your garden variety boy scout preparedness, I'm talking about end of the world, Armageddon preparedness.

I'm from Maryland, their state motto should be "We are never prepared" because every time the weatherman says they are going to get a couple inches of snow, if you don't make it to the grocery store with 30 minutes of that newscast, your family has no bread, milk or toilet paper for a week.

The first winter I lived in Utah when they were calling for snow I did what any good Baltimoron would do, I went to the store. It was freaking empty! My lucky day! I ran around willy nilly throwing things in my cart, giggling at my good fortune. The next day at work I was telling everyone about my luck the night before. They didn't understand, why would you go to the store because its going to snow? Don't you have FOOD STORAGE?

What, you mean like, extra food that you are not actively eating right now? Who does that? Well, I got an education that day. You see, these women don't need to buy milk, they have powdered milk in the basement. Bread? They can make their own, and they have the stuff, IN THE HOUSE, at any time to do it! Neighbors don't ever need to borrow a cup of sugar, they have at least 25 pounds in the basement.

I was freaking amazed. These people are prepared. Most of them have a room in their basement that is wall to wall shelving, filled with- FOOD! You know what's in my basement? The stuff that doesn't fit in the garage.

When the end of the world was coming at the end of 1999 I thought maybe I should be prepared. I had a little bookshelf in the basement and it had our survival kit on it- flashlight, tampons, band aids, granola bars and some juice no one liked. Glad it wasn't the end o the world, you can only live on tampons and granola bars for so long.

Anyway, for the past week or so I've been hearing ads for "caselot sales". All the stores are having them! Stock up now! Save money! So Sunday morning I woke up early, grabbed my debit card and headed to the stores.

Four hours and $200 later I stood in my basement and thought "Who is gonna eat all this shit?" It's important to point out here- I don't cook. So I have no idea what was going through my head as I bought 24 cans of tomato sauce, 12 cans of chili, 24 cans of kidney beans, green beans, corn, black beans, instant mashed potatoes, stuffing, 5-40 oz bottles of ketchup, enough pasta to feed an Italian family of 5 for a year,10 jars of peanut butter, diced tomatoes, chicken broth, sauerkraut,rice, tomato soup, 12 boxes of cake mix and 48 cans of tuna fish. There was no method to my madness, I bought whatever they had on SALE!

I guess if the end of the world comes we can eat green bean and tuna fish sandwiches, except we still don't have any bread, or toilet paper. Guess I better go back to the store.


  1. LMAO!! This is hilarious as I was born in Utah and have some vivid stories from my mother similar to this.

  2. This one had me laughing! After living for a number of years in Utah and having Mormon friends while growing up, I do remember those basements full of food. All those women could cook and can and bake. And you are so right ... they were prepared for anything! Thanks for the laugh!!!

  3. The problem I have with all this preparation is that everything expires! That's why I don't go to Costco. I end up stupidly buying a case of Manderin Oranges. Uh huh. Twenty four cans. By the time I think "Oh those oranges would be good in this" they expired 5 years ago. And we would need to build another bathroom to house the 48 rolls of tissue.

  4. So when the disaster happens, I will be shacking up with you...just letting you know =)

  5. So true about Maryland, this is why I keep my old 4 wheel drive truck that there is no other purpose for in Maryland since all of the enviro-Nazis have ruined all of the fun of having since there is no where to go 4 wheeling anymore. But I can damned well make it to the store in the worst of snow only to find it closed or sold out because everyone here thinks a little snow is the end of the world.


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