Sunday, September 19, 2010

Baby Blues, 17 years later

  I'm feeling a little melancholy today. No, it has nothing to do with the wine I'm drinking. I'm only drinking that because my ass hurts. My ass hurts because I did yard work today, I trimmed bushes and trees and pulled more weeds than I thought one yard could grow, and that is why my ass hurts, therefore, I must drink wine.

  Back to my melancholyness ( Is that even a word?) I think I've discovered why I'm fighting so hard against the changing of the seasons. This was the last summer Mo would be a child!!

  I want time to slow down, move a little backwards, if at all possible. Each season stretching out endlessly before me to enjoy and savor. This is the year that my baby is hurrying to get behind her. She is rushing headlong into adulthood and I'm standing at the door, her jacket still in my hands wondering what the hell happened.

  Please can we slow this down. I want to remember every day of this year. I want to make amazing memories. I want to laugh more and worry less.

  Why didn't I enjoy Mo's childhood more. I wish we had finger painted more, sang more silly, made up songs, played in the mud more, got dirty, ate more cookies, read more stories, snuggled more.



  Instead I did what I think all mothers do in one way or another, I wished it away.
          I can't wait until she sleeps through the night, holds her bottle, feeds herself, walks, talks, dresses herself, goes to school, reads to herself, ties her shoes, the list goes on and on.

    I wasn't trying to wish it away. I kept thinking as she was more independent and able to do for herself, I would be able to enjoy her more. That day never came. I was too caught up in being a Mom. Eat your vegetables, do your homework, clean your room, no, you can't wear just your underwear outside to play. I can't play Barbies right now I am- cleaning the house, cooking dinner, reading, watching TV, working on this quilt, too tired.

  I want a do over. I want to feel that warm squiggly little kid on my lap, smell her neck, kiss her chubby checks, hold her sticky hands. Does everyone feel like this? I only have one child and I feel like I've missed so much. How do women do it with 2,3,4 even 7?

  Mo and I are both typical Type A personalities, over achieving perfectionists who have too many irons in the fire at all times and know that if we want something done right we have to do it ourselves. We are constantly running, I see my baby girl at night when she comes into my room to talk to me when she gets home from a date, work, school activity, whatever.

  Can I lay in a hammock with my baby and count the stars? I want to listen to her "when I grow ups" again. Most of all I want to figure out how in the hell the past 17 years flew by and why I didn't pay more attention.

5 comments:

  1. Wow...thanks for slapping me in the face and giving me a reality check...I think I will try to think twice when I wish my time away. Thanks for the insight.

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  2. I feel like this when they are sleeping. When they are awake and ramsacking my house, I'm like, "How many years till they're moved out?"
    I do miss the warm, squishy baby stage though...Maybe we just need another baby to fulfill the desire to squish said warm baby, and wish his/her babyhood away?

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  3. I guess maybe Im a little or a lot to blame for the way you wished your time away...I was your example and with the four of you it was tough to give attention to one at a time,I only wish I had gone back to spend quality time with each of you. But as you know when my last baby was 10 I guess I was wanting that baby feel in my lap so I went and found another one and adopted him and knew that even though he didn't come from my body he grew into my heart and the 4 of your hearts also. I don't suggest that everyone should do that because as you get older your time is even more busy and you don't spend that alone time with the last one either and later (like now) you feel that loss again. So I will try in my final years to take some time to spend with each of you in a special way so your memories will be happy ones, just know I love you my number one child as I do your siblings, but for now it is your turn for my time.

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  4. Oh, Carol. I can't figure out who I want to hug more right now...you or my daughter! This post made me cry in a happy/sad/I know how you feel way. But you know what, sweetie? No matter how old they get, they'll always be our little girls!

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  5. I sit back and look at mine and ask myself where has the time gone... This makes me want to slow down and cherish my time with her. laugh a little more, watch her crazy shows with her.. To know that one day real soon, she'll do as I did... fly the coop... But hopefully all of what I have done for her will not have been in vein, and she will continue to come back and see her lovely mom

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