Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Along came Mo......
When my ex husband and I decided we would have a baby, BOOM! I was knocked up. Just the way it was supposed to work. Decide, do the wild thing, baby on the way! Yay us!
Little did we know, getting pregnant would not be my problem, staying pregnant however, was a different story.
We were excited! I found out on December 12th 1990 I was pregnant and since the written word is my vehicle of choice, I started a diary for the baby. On December 16th I started spotting. Everyone said it wasn't a big deal, sometimes it happens, yada yada yada. On Christmas eve my gyno said the pregnancy was ectopic and I would need surgery. On December 27th I had surgery to remove the pregnancy from my fallopian tube. The pictures from that Christmas are so sad. I knew I was carrying a baby that would never be. I found out how very wrong people are when they say an early pregnancy loss isn't painful. It was excruciating. I wrote a letter to that baby, I needed it to heal.
July 1991, pregnant again. By August, that baby was gone as well. This time they said I either miscarried or had another ectopic that was reabsorbed by my body.
February 1992, pregnant again, another surgery. This time the doctor tells me that my fallopian tubes are so damaged from a pelvic infection I had as a teenager that I will never have a child, we should look into adoption. I ask about in vitro fertilization, he tells me it's a one in a million shot and if I insist on doing that we should contact an adoption agency anyway.
Here is part of a letter I wrote to my babies.
I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling, a hand protectively across my stomach. Trying so hard to feel you, as if by sheer will I can make everything okay. I sleep and dream of you, you are happy, healthy, smiling but always just outside my grasp.
Again the spotting. I retreat inside myself, my body goes through the motions, my mind refuses to believe, is unable to stand another assault.
Lying again on a table, gel on my forever flat stomach as other people search for you. It's over, they say, not meant to be. Again, you have gone away.
I'm stubborn and I hate when someone tells me I can't do something so of course I called the fertility clinic and not the adoption agency. IVF was a walk in the park, if you don't believe me, you can read about it here
I worked. I was stunned, but unbelieving. As much as I wanted this baby I spent my whole pregnancy terrified of losing her. She scared me a few times, labor started early, and often. I was frequently going to the hospital to be injected with liquid bitch to stop my contractions, it worked and I killed no one. At 36 weeks Mo came into the world. I think she was as stunned as I was, but that is a story for another day.