Monday, April 5, 2010
It's a bad day for fairy tales at my house.
I'm pissed. I've decided my life is ruined and it's all Walt Disney's fault. All those happy little movies about true love and princes.. Bullshit I say! You, Walt have single handedly ruined my life. Ok, maybe it wasn't totally Walt's fault but I'm not into taking responsibility today so let's see how he has ruined love for us normal girls.
Cinderella- poor little rich girl, living among the cinders, doing chores for her evil stepmother and ugly stepsister, forced to wear rags instead of the really cool clothes at the mall, until one magic day........A crack smoking fairy grants her wish and lets her go to the ball. Once there she meets Prince Charming who is so captivated by her that he searches the entire Kingdom for the one girl that fits in the Walmart slippers the aforementioned crack smoking fairy gave her!
Who among us has not imagined that her mother was an evil stepmother every time she made us, God forbid, clean our rooms, put away our laundry, do the dishes, etc. Certainly our REAL mother would never treat us like that. It only stands to reason since this is not our real mother, Prince Charming certainly must be on his way.
Snow White- beautiful girl, evil stepmother, a handful of dwarfs, handsome Prince.
Sleeping Beauty- beautiful girl, evil fairy, handsome Prince- are you seeing a pattern here?
The absolute worst has to be Beauty and the Beast. To this day, I live my life by this fairy tale. No matter how awful he is, what vile things he says and does, I just know that my love will reveal the prince he is. I think I'm gonna vomit!
Do I sound a bitter? Maybe a little. I know it's not poor old Walt's fault but dammit I'm tired of being responsible for my choices. Walt taught me if I was pretty and kind, nice to creatures in the forest and dwarfs then no one would be able to resist my charm. Prince Charming would be searching high and low after just one glimpse of my beautiful face, he must have me for his Queen.
Instead I sit here, at this computer, wishing I had more dwarfs in my life, maybe some singing mice, because then, all would be well.
It's all your fault Walt and I've heard you had yourself frozen to be revived later. Well, buddy, I just want you to know cryogenic storage is in my future, if only so I can give you the ass kicking you so richly deserve for deluding generations of gullible little girls.
In the meantime, I'm going to go sing a song and hand feed some birds, just in case.