Saturday, April 3, 2010

If I don't want you, why does this still hurt?

If you have read my archives ( and I hope you have!) then you know that not too long ago I broke up with my boyfriend of three and a half years after his OTHER girlfriend emailed me on Facebook and basically asked me what I was doing with HER boyfriend!

So, good riddance to bad rubbish. She and I are now friends and we say the best thing that came out of our relationships with him is that we found a new friend. I'm not sorry it ended, in my heart I knew he wasn't right for me. Still, I spent three and a half years loving this man, convinced that if I just loved him enough, he would get over his issues and see what we could have together.

That's a long time, especially in dog years, which is what it felt like sometimes. I loved him, I tried to make him happy, I loved his children, I accepted his flaws and hoped he accepted mine. I even bought the house I did because it had room for all of our children.

Now, six short months after we are finally over, I find out he is getting married. WTF??!! This is the man who wasn't ready for a commitment.

I've met her, she's very nice, but still........ I can't help but ask, why her and not me? What is wrong with me that is right with her? Now he's buying rings and furniture and doing her Honey Do list.

As silly as it is, all the things that he told me were "wrong" with me, keep running through my head.

I know logically that just because those things were wrong to him, they won't be to my Prince Charming. Still, it makes me question myself. Am I too independent? What is too independent? I'm successful in my chosen field, is that really a bad thing? Are all men going to be weird if I make more money than they do? I'm handier around the house than he is, I'm eighteen months older than he is, I speak my mind, if you are two hours late for a date, I won't be waiting when you finally call, are those really bad traits?

It's hard to look at ourselves objectively and I don't want to be the woman marrying him, but that part of me that craves acceptance is still sitting there, with a bewildered look on her face thinking " Why wasn't I enough?"

5 comments:

  1. ...because it is supposed to hurt. That is what makes us human. We analyze, we fret, we question, we hurt. But we also know that we don't change ourselves because of the observations of a lost love.

    From everything that I have read -- don't change a thing. You have the world at your fingertips....but you don't quite believe it yet.

    I envy the guy that discovers you...and he will.

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  2. Thanks for finding me! I have not read your archives yet, but I will! I do not know if the traits you listed are bad or not, but they have kept me from any type of longevity in relationships. But, I say screw 'em! I need my mind and my dignity. Good for you for not being the woman waiting till he's done with the other woman!

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  3. Oh my beautiful friend we are the pair aren't we? I think we need to take some new dance lessons! lol. Dont change a single thing about you! Prince charming is just waiting for you to learn the dance. It wasnt that you were not enough, you were to much. He is to insecure with himself to appreciate all that you are. It will come darlin, it will come:)

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  4. Man oh man. Well, if he was managing (at least) two of you at once, I can just about guarantee his wife is not getting a bargain. As far as your reaction, it's nat'chul. Even on a small scale: if I find out someone that I really don't like doesn't like me, I'm inclined to sweeten 'em up. How much sense does that make?

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  5. the more you give the more it will hurt. but don't let that stop you or change you. the world would lose a special person. a relationship ending is like a death, you must grieve the loss, then go on and grow.

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