Friday, April 23, 2010

I gotta penis, wanna see?

Ok, I don't have a penis, this is about men and their fascination with their own penises.

It starts when they are babies and discover they have one, the hand goes down the diaper and really doesn’t come out until they go to school. Even then, every chance they get they are checking on it. Grown men constantly checking on Mister Winky. Do they really need to touch their penis twice during a ten minute conversation? Do they think if someone stepped between us while we were talking and tried to make off with their penis we wouldn’t notice? And that hand in your pocket buddy, you’re not fooling anyone!

Back to my point. Men like their penises and are very proud of them exhibited by the fact that they like to show them off. I have mentioned online dating, and I keep meaning to talk about it more but some of the things that happen are difficult for me to believe, and l lived them!

I have met several men online lately, and just so you know, I’m not a member of Hookups R Us, I’m talking about EHarmony, supposedly the premier site for women looking to get married so they don’t have to mow the lawn. I mean looking for a nice man to go out to dinner with.

Anyway, if you have belonged to EHarmony you know that actually getting to talk to someone is a process, the great computer in the sky sends you matches, you answer their questions, they answer yours, you do it again, then some stuff you actually have to write answers to since it’s not multiple choice and finally the match making computer will let you send an email.

Generally it takes a week or so to get to the email stage, depending on how busy the two of you are and how tired you are of answering the same questions over and over again. Finally, an email. So you email back and forth a few times, he asks for your number, he calls, you have a few nice conversations then you move to text messaging.

Let me say I’m a huge fan of text messaging, you can do it anywhere, and sometimes I just have a quick question to ask and don’t have time for a ten minute conversation, texting fills that need.

Now we are not just talking on the phone but texting as well, it’s been about two weeks, I’m getting sweet good morning, hope you’re having a great day, texts, it’s all good. Until suddenly, out of no where, maybe you were texting about going out to dinner and suddenly, there is a picture of a penis on my phone.

I don’t know your middle name, if your parents are still alive, I’ve never actually seen you in the flesh but I have a picture of your penis on my phone? If this happened once I would write it off to some people’s children but I have received enough penis pictures that I’m tempted to start a web site, “Do you know this penis”

You know when I think about penises the most? When I haven’t seen one in a while! Sending me a picture of your penis does not make me drop my panties, hop in the car and run right to you. In fact, the exact opposite happens, if you show me your penis, I don’t want to see it again.

The first time it happened I’m thinking, where is he , I thought he was at work, how is he taking pictures of his penis. And why? Now, I think these men have a gallery of penis pictures on their phone, because after they send the first one and I haven’t responded because I’m on my cell phone’s web site trying to figure out how to block their number, they send another text “ Wanna see more?” Seriously?

Don’t get me wrong, I like penises, I think about them quite often and check them out when I can. If a woman tells you she has never checked out a guy’s package she is lying! Or married, but then she’s still lying. My niece and I went to a Keith Urban concert and she said “ I can see his weenie Aunt Missi” so when my sister and I went to Trace Adkins and his jeans were oh so tight ( love that man) in my drunken giddiness I decided to text my niece and tell her. I sent “ Katie, I can see his weenge” There is no spell check on my phone and I’ve been Aunt Weenge ever since.

Where’s the mystery? Maybe that’s why men like boobs, women don’t go around whipping out their boobs for everyone to see, well, most of the time we don’t, so when we do It’s a special occasion! So guys, if you are reading this looking for online dating tips, delete your penis pictures, we don’t wanna see. Ok, we want to see but not on our phone for hell’s sake. Besides, that screen is awfully small,not exactly the impression you wanted to give now is it?


  1. I think this is one of your best....I surely wouldn't want a penis on my phone!!!!especially if it was larger than what I have at

  2. When you start that website for "Do you know this penis" let me know...I'll send ya the gallery of photos I have from mostly unknown men trying to impress upon me the reason I should go out with their penis...I mean them.

  3. I think men are under the mistaken impression we want to see their penises like they want to see are boobs. Not so.

    And Ewwwwwwww. I am happily married to a very sexy guy and I think I could pass on the penis pic!!

  4. Oh Carol, that's horrible! What a jerk! What in the hell are guys like this thinking! I'm seriously offended by this kind of crap. Christ! Go to Home Depot and find a contractor! He can fix things for you and he'll be covered up at the store anyway. Dang, girl, it can't be any worse!


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