Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I'm so much cooler online

Dating sucks. Have I mentioned that lately? Dating, in theory, should be fun. Meeting new people, doing fun things together, going new places, getting to know someone and deciding,together, if you could have a future, together.

Unfortunately, that is not often the reality.

I decided after the first of the year my heart had healed and I was ready to move on, to find my Prince Charming. I wanted to make sure I was over my past relationship. I’m over it, it’s time to move on.

What is the first thing I do? Bet ya can’t guess? I start a relationship with a completely inappropriate person. Of course I do, I’m a rockstar like that.

I know this is inappropriate and not about to lead where I want to go, so I signed back up for those dating websites. If you have never had the pleasure of tramping yourself online, I certainly suggest it. There is nothing that will make you feel quite as much like a loser as online dating.

Everything about online dating sucks, from the pictures to the profile you have to write to the dates you go on. First you must pick a picture, preferably several, so they can see your good side, it’s still there, somewhere . What you are looking for here is cute, happy, active, sexy but not slutty.

Then it’s on to the “about me” section. Kill me now! What can you possibly say that is not only true, but interesting enough to catch the eye of a suitable man, but boring enough that the crazies will pass right on to the next victim. Apparently, I have not mastered this art, because I get a combination of the seemingly normal and the obviously not.

Most of these men look perfectly normal. It’s only when you talk to them that the truth is revealed.

I had a very nice date with a seemingly normal man, we went to dinner and talked for hours. It was very nice. We may go out again.

Then there are the men who make rude, controlling comments and when you call them on it, they try to act like they are joking. Here are some recent examples:

“Why are you eating Crown Burger, don’t you know that will go straight to your ass?” Ummm, you’re kidding right? I’ve been feeding myself for a very long time, and without your commentary, I think I know how this is done. NEXT!

Then there was the very nice man who quickly lost his temper because I didn’t have any “other” pictures to send him. NEXT!

And let’s not forget the guy who called while I was at a birthday party so I missed his call and when he reached me the next day he told me he didn't like being ignored. NEXT!

Oh, and Prince Trailerpark, who after our second phone call informed me that our first date would be me fixing him dinner and then he was sleeping over. Oh golly, gee, where has he been all my life? I don't freaking think so! NEXT!!

Just in case you are thinking I have had an extended relationship with men who would talk to someone like that I need to set you straight. Not only have I never met these men but these statements were made before we had even talked on the phone for over a week.

Is it any wonder I'm living large in my "inappropriate" relationship.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

I'd like to thank the academy.....

My first award! My first blogging award which translates into my first writing award besides the gold stars I got in elementary school!

I'm doing a Snoopy dance, aren't you sorry you're missing it? Any way, I received this prestigious award from my friend Jerry over at

So Jerry, in his own words (copied from his blog of course) presented me with this award because:

"Carol is the author of Life and Loves of a Bubble Bath Queen. This 45 year old lass is the talk-across-the-back-fence down-to-earth funny person that you would be privileged to call your friend. She is a single mom doing, as she says, “…the best I can”. Read and truly enjoy."

I think I love this man, he sees my talent, he appreciates the word vomit that falls from my brain, in other words, he is just a little bit crazy, I like that in a man!

Now that I am the recipient of the Sugar Doll award there are some obligations I must fulfill:

1. I must post the Sugar Doll award on my blog, I'm trying to figure out how to do that so be patient with me.
2. I must tell you ten things about me.
3. I must present this award to four other bloggers.

So here goes my ten things and trust me, I tried hard to come up with things you don't already know about me from reading this blog:

1. I once got married at the drive thru of the Little White Wedding chapel in Vegas while my poor dog tried desperately not to empty her bowels all over the backseat. So thank you husband number 3 for feeding Shenzie sausage and eggs before a six hour road trip.

2. Because I am vain about my stomach and threatened my surgeon with a painful death if he left a scar after my hysterectomy, he told all of us he left a two pound weight inside of me so my vagina would not heal shut. I was very afraid to get out of bed. When he came in my room to check on me the next day I asked him about it, his response "I needed somewhere to store my fishing tackle." I love my doctor, he has the best bedside manner.

3. I am terrified to fly. Mo hates flying with me because by the time the plane lands she has little crescent scars in her arms from my fingernails and she has spent the last however many hours explaining every little noise and movement to me. On our last trip she said " Mom, they serve alcohol you know."

4. At one time I wanted thirteen children. A bakers dozen sounded perfect to me,12 boys and 1 girl, I even had their names picked out. After a few ectopic pregnancies, several years of infertility and an unmedicated labor, the first thing I said to my bouncing baby girl? "I hope you don't mind being an only child because Mommy is NEVER doing this dumb shit again!"

5. I drove from Maryland to Utah with my ex husband, a 23 month old toddler and $1200. It was the best decision I ever impulsively agreed to, we are still here after 15 years and my sisters are here too. Utah feels like home now.

6. My favorite phrase is "You are not the boss of me." Thank you baby Jax for sharing that with me, even though I'm not three, it's still working well for me.

7. I read about 20 books a month. The worse thing that could ever happen to me would be to lose my eyesight because I would no longer be able to lose myself in the worlds my favorite authors create.

8. I hardly ever finish any craft projects I start. I probably have a baby quilt I started for every child I know, they are still in the basement waiting to be finished. Maybe those children's children will get them.

9. I sleep with my dog and my netbook. I know, I need a life, but the dog is cute, and sometimes I wake up at night and realize I still have something else to say.

10. I am so blessed! In so many ways I live a very privileged life. Not financially but I am surrounded by people I love who love me right back. Who could ask for anything more?

So thank you Jerry for thinking of me, I will try to be worthy of the honor you have bestowed upon me.

Now for my list of bloggers I feel deserve this award, in no particular order because I love you all.....

1. Ryan and Jenifer at " My friend Ryan has leukemia and being able to check on his progress and marvel in his wonderful attitude is amazing. Thanks Ryan, once again, for inspiring me.

2. This blog,, is one of my new favorites, I like the way she writes and that when I'm at her blog it feels like I'm listening to a friend talk.

3. Lily is amazing. She usually says what the rest of us only think. "

4. And last but certainly not least " He loves his wife, his kids and he thinks snuggies are cockblockers. What's not to love?

So, to those of you who I've passed the torch to, here are the rule, copied from Jerry's blog so if they are incorrect, throw your pens at him, not me.

A. Just because I give you the Sugar Baby Award, it doesn’t mean that I think you are hot. It means that I really like your blog and that I think others will really enjoy it. Okay – you may be hot too.

B. You are supposed to in turn present the award to four other worthy bloggers. Whether you do this or not is your business. I’m just reciting the rules here. I’m pretty sure you won’t go to jail for not following them.

C. You are supposed to display the Sugar Baby icon on you blog. If you don’t know how to do this, I don’t either. So we are in the same boat.

D. And finally, you are supposed to write in your blog ten things about yourself. I can’t make you do this – although experience has been that lightning has struck the houses of those that don’t.

Have fun, enjoy and thanks again. You like me, you really like me!

Monday, February 22, 2010

Not Me Monday

Ok, so I've been following some blogs I really like and one of them is McMamma's. Every Monday she makes me laugh with Not Me Monday and invites everyone to join her, so I thought since I have not been blogging and need to get my butt in gear, the perfect place would be "Not me Monday" so here goes!

I did not eat a Crown Burger and fries for lunch today even though I was on the fat wagon and trying to lose my jiggly before bikini weather. And if I did, I absolutely am not sitting her smugly remembering how good it was.

I did not make an entire package of sausage on Sunday morning and eat every last link, and I certainly didn't eat them with a side of syrup.

I did not throw all my dirty laundry in the hall closet and slam the door because my friend was coming over.

I did not do my sixteen year old daughters laundry, including things I know were clean. And I didn't clean her room while I was in there getting the laundry.

And last but not least, I did not avoid blogging because I didn't know how to explain the failure I feel as a mother.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

My New Bathroom

It's been a long month or so without the half bath, and I'm happy to say........drum roll please! The bathroom has been reassembled!

I love my house, the people who lived here before me were more than a little fond of wallpaper.

Need I say more? I think this hadn't been redecorated since the 80's, and the rest of the house was covered in wallpaper as well.

My first job was to rip off all the wallpaper. And guess what I found? You guessed it, why fix the problem when you can cover it with wallpaper?

So for a year we lived with wallpaper backing walls and whatever I could find to throw on the walls. And the existing vanity, useful but oh so boring.

I wanted to redo the bathroom but really didn't know what I wanted to do, until I found this. Tucked in a corner a Pier One, just waiting for me to take it home and build my bathroom around it.

Next came the miscellaneous pieces picked up here and there and also there.

It was a long road, I think I'm much more talented than I am. First I had to paint, repaint, and finally, crackle the vanity.

And then, paint the countertop. By the way, I still don't think this is a good idea and it may need to be replaced down the road.

And finally, the finished project!

Beautiful isn't it? I'm very proud of my handyman/remodeling skills. There's just one problem, not really a problem, more like a minor setback. We still can't use it. Everything leaks. Sink, toilet, everything. Sad face. Guess I'll have to borrow Clay again to fix what I fixed!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Speed dating or My 6 minutes in Hell

Have you ever been speed dating? Well let me tell you, you haven't lived until you've tried it.

When I was in that wonderful on again/off again relationship that sucked up three years of my life, I went speed dating. I figured what I was doing wasn't working so why not try speed dating.

The way it works, you sign up for your age group, show up at the scheduled time and place, spend six minutes with a man, then when the bell rings, the men rotate. How bad can six minutes be?

The first time I tried, I signed up for the 42-52 year old group, that put in me in the lower end, so I wouldn't be the oldest woman there, not into being a cougar.

I show up, sign in and am waiting. I'm always early, sometimes it's a curse. I'm watching people come in, thinking, this must be the younger group because these "boys" are way too young for me and there is no way there is a woman in this room over 42, except me.

Here is Pam, our lovely coordinator, explaining the rules, giving us our scorecards, then she tells us to take a seat, then she walks over to me.

"Carol, everyone in your age group cancelled and I didn't get a chance to call you, but you fit in with this younger group. You can stay if you'd like."

"Ummm, I don't think so, I'm not looking for a man to raise."

She laughs and gives me a card so I can come back next time for free, and glutton for punishment I am, I sign up again.

This time it's going to be held at a local bar. I make my sister come with me. We get there, I sign in, get my little name tag and my sister and I make our way to the bar. I'm gonna need a drink for this.

This age group was was 44-55. Once again I thought I choose well, I would be one of the youngest women. And I was. I was the youngest person in the group. This is not looking good.

Ned is laughing so hard I'm afraid she is going to pee her pants. I tell her to sit where she can see me and keep the drinks coming. I've blocked most of it out, it was frightening.

The first man who sat across from me spent his six minutes telling me what a witch his ex wife is and how she took everything, yada, yada, yada. My eyes were glazing over. I think they let him babble on for at least a half an hour. When the bell finally rang, an eternity later, he smiled, shook my hand and said " I hope I get to see you again Sara, you're so easy to talk to."

Sara? I'm wearing a freaking name tag! Sister, bring me a drink!

Ok, it's gotta get better right? The second man was very full of himself, he sat across from me, leaning back in his chair, making sure the crease in his slacks was perfect and proceeded to mention, no fewer than fifteen times in six minutes that he was an attorney. Everything was "Because I'm an attorney this, and because I'm an attorney that." I wanted to hire him to sue himself for boring me to death.

Hello? Sister, dying of thirst here.

The third guy. Well, I can't tell you anything about him except he had this atrociously long nose hair the hung out of one nostril and moved with every breath. I was captivated.

I'm just snapping my fingers for drinks now, about every three minutes. Someone, somewhere get me out of here. Seriously, where is a good bar fight when you need one?

And the last thing I remember was the fourth guy. He was about five feet tall, he immediately started talking. He was married for thirty years, has five kids, seven grandkids, he is 62. What?!!! Like years? Then for the next four minutes he keeps telling me how hot I am. I cannot begin to tell you how horrible it was having a guy older than my father telling me how hot I am.I think I might have thrown up a little.

By this time, Ned has the Cape Cod IV going and I'm able to smile and nod through the next six. Not once did they ask me a question, I'm not sure they even knew my name, they looked in the general area of the name tag but since that's also where my boobs are I can't be sure they looked at my name.

Ewwwwwwwww! I don't recommend it. Speed dating was the longest six minutes of my life, over and over and over again. Kind of like Groundhog Day, except it wasn't funny, and no one realized the error of his ways before it was all over.

At least my sister had a good laugh.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Pity party

I'm usually such a sunshine and roses person that I drive most people crazy. But, like the rest of the world, I have crappy days. Fortunately they are few and far between, unfortunately, today was one of them.

If I had to pick the worst thing about being a woman, days like today would be the number one, in fact it's really the only one that sucks. This hormonal, emotional crap.

Today I'm sad. Why you ask? I have no freaking idea! I have a good life, a great kid, a great family, the best friends, a job I like, so why am I sad?

Because I'm a girl. there is no other explanation. The day started out fine. Clementine woke me up at about 4:30 this morning, which is not a bad thing, considering I got a cute text within minutes of waking up that I would have otherwise slept through. So I woke up smiling and it was all downhill from there.

I'm having my own personal pity party. Why is it, that as wonderful as my life is, as full as it is of people I love, that some days, I only focus on what's missing?

Try explaining this to a man. Not gonna happen, they think if it's broke then they should be able to fix it. It's not really broken, I just want to whine that it's not all I dreamed it would be. I think that is where it started. I was driving in the car listening to the radio and this sappy song came on and my first thought was "This is not the life I thought I would have."

I can't say it's not the life I wanted, because although it isn't, now that I have it I'm happy with it and there is not much I would change. But there are still those little things that when you are feeling sorry for yourself turn into huge mountains of despair. If only? Why didn't I?! I want a do over!

I know it's silly, I know I'm being unreasonable. In the car driving home from my sister's I was talking to myself, yes, out loud, trying to reason with myself. No I'm not crazy, I just think better out loud.

For every rational argument I gave myself to show that my life is good, that little whiner inside me said but what about this, and this and this, those things suck!

So I'm going to do what every woman needs once in a while. Climb in the jetted tub with a glass of wine and have a good cry.

Tomorrow the sun will be shining, the birds will be singing and I will laugh at how silly I was, but for tonight, I'm gonna feel sorry for myself.

I'll be glad when this is over, I really am getting on my own nerves.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Which on of us is the naive one?

Remember the good old days, when your kids were toddlers and they thought that you knew everything? No matter what they did, they knew you would see it, because you always did. They didn't realize the chocolate on their faces or the Crayola marker stains on their hands gave them away, they thought you were magic.

We are well past that stage, or so I thought. Today I found out that Mo may still believe, just a little.

This week Mo gets to go to school at 10:15 because last year she passed all the tests required by the state to graduate, she still has to go to school, but she passed the tests. The sophomores and the juniors and seniors unlucky enough to not have already passed off on this particular thing have to go to school at the normal time.

Last night Tory spent the night so this morning I called Mo at 9:45 to make sure she was on schedule to arrive at school on time. First call, no answer. Second call, no answer. Third call, the phone is answered, accidentally, and I hear loud music and kids screaming over the music to be heard. I am furious, I know she has a load of kids in her car and is not acting responsibly.

I hang up and call back. Three more times. Mo finally answers the phone, it's dead silent.

Me- Hey, baby, whatcha doing?

Mo- Taking Tory home before school.

Me- What were you doing five minutes ago?

Mo- Taking Tory home.

Me- With the music blaring and all those kids in your car jumping around and screaming?

Mo- You saw that?

Me- Yes, I saw that. You are grounded from your car for two weeks, you know better than this. You are being very irresponsible with your car.

Mo- I know Mom, I'm sorry.

Me- What if you got into an accident, you can't concentrate with all that noise. We've talked about this. What were you thinking?

Mo- I know Mom, but I'm a teenager, sometimes I do stupid things.

Ummmm, I gave her that line and now she is throwing it back at me! I told her how important it is to talk to me and let me know what is going on in her life because, she's still a child, she's going to make poor decisions, how can I help if I don't know what is going on?

And now, she is using it against me. She's still grounded.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Gotta love the remodeling

The bathroom is coming along nicely, thank you very much. It has not been without its challenges. I am not the handiest person but what I lack in talent I make up for in enthusiasm.

The half bath seemed a fun and easy winter project, should take about a week, right? Not so much, we have been without that bathroom for three weeks now and it will probably be another two weeks before I get it back together.

It's been fun and I can't wait to show everyone the finished project, but first, there are some things you need to know.

1. Porcelain sinks are not as heavy as they used to be so don't heave it out of the counter top, you just might knock yourself out.

2. If you are in too much of a hurry to put on the little face mask thingy before you sand the walls you will be blowing concrete out of your nose for a week.

Those were at the beginning and we are finally getting to the end, completion! The walls are painted, the light fixture is up,

The vanity and I have been having issues. I have this picture in my mind of what I want the bathroom to look like, but the vanity has always been a little fuzzy. So I painted it. Didn't like it so I glazed it. Didn't like it so I glazed it more. Didn't like it so I sanded it. Still didn't like it, so I started over.

I painted it chocolate brown and then got on line to learn how to crackle paint it. Sounds easy enough, especially since I get to use Elmer's glue. Seriously, who doesn't love Elmer's glue? So I had Mo help me carry the vanity into the kitchen, it has been living in the garage. You must know there was some serious high decibel whining, the princess does not tote and carry.

Oh wait, I just remembered, I want to start ripping up the carpet in my bedroom, because that room is my next project. And since I have to cut the carpet and pad up and put it in the trash can, it's gonna take a few weeks to finish it.

I got up part of the carpet, the little sticky boards the use to keep the carpet down, some of the padding and some of the baseboards. Oh I also took off the closet doors and hardware, I'm knocking out those closets and putting in another.

Yes,I understand that I have ADD, must have several projects going at once. Can't help it!

So back to the kitchen to put glue on the vanity. Gotta wait for it to tack up so I go to the bathroom to put on the pretty new knob I bought. I put the little thingy that goes in the middle into the hole and notice it sticks out more than the other one so I decide I better make sure it will shut without hitting the little plate thing on the door. Guess what? It does. Guess what else? I'm now locked in the bathroom. And my cell phone, tools and the door knobs are on the other side of the door.

After laughing at myself for about five minutes I start looking around for something to use to open the door. I have a door stop, a plunger, a can of paint and a paint roller. This is not looking good for me. Mo doesn't get off work until 10, it's only 6, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to pee before then, and I took the toilet out three weeks ago.

I take the paint roller off the metal thing it's on, the paint was still a little wet so now my hands are covered with green paint that I can't wash off because I took the sink out three weeks ago too. The metal part doesn't fit in there anyway.

I finally find a little screwdriver that had rolled under the newspaper. Score, I'm out!

Back to my vanity, time to paint. This is fun. I notice the kitchen floor needs to be replaced, mostly due to the large amount of paint I spilled on it while painting the vanity. While waiting for the vanity to start it's crackling thing I finish putting on the new door knob. The box says either right or left side, yeah, whatever, I had to put the damn thing on upside down.

All the flat surfaces are crackling nicely by the time Mo get's home from work but the one side is all weird, the paint slid off.

Mo says, Awww Mommy, it looks like a wolf and a butterfly, I love it. The vanity stays. Now I just have to scrub all the paint off the kitchen floor. Note to self- the drop cloth in the garage can also be used in the house. Who knew?

Monday, February 1, 2010

Lies, Lies and Princess Beds

We've passed another milestone on the way to Mo becoming an adult. She doesn't believe me when I tell her something. I should have seen it coming. I've been caught a few times telling "not the WHOLE truth" and few times out right lies, but hey, everyone tells their kids the Santa, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny lies. I didn't start those.

And then there was the Painting Princess Fairy. When Mo was five and her father and I were desperately trying to figure out a way to get her to sleep in her own bed I came up with the Magic Painting Princess Fairy. I went to the thrift store and bought a plain white headboard and foot board for Mo's bed. Since she was all about the princesses I made up an elaborate story about how every night that a little girl slept in her very own bed, a fairy would come and paint part of the bed, so eventually that little girl would have a wonderfully colorful bed, much like Joseph's coat of many colors. Mo was all about princesses and colorfulness, her clothes never matched.

Mo thought this was a wonderful idea and her Dad and I were thrilled thinking that we might sleep an entire night without a sweaty little girl draped over us. So every night for about two weeks, after I was sure she was a sleep, I would do the army crawl into her room with craft paint and brushes at the ready, and paint in the dark.

Every morning Mo was thrilled. "Mommy, Mommy, come see! There's purple this time!" I was so very proud of myself. I was sure I had this parenting thing down.

When the bed was finished after Mo ooohed and aaaahed over the newest design she looked at me with that cute little face and said,
" Mommy, can I tell you a secret?"
" Of course baby girl."
" I know you are the paint fairy Mommy, thanks for painting my bed."
And off she went to Kindergarten, never to sleep in that bed again.

So, it seems I've set myself up for this latest stage of disbelief in all things Mom says. Yesterday was the worst though. My friend came over, my phone rang, and I didn't answer it. My phone seriously NEVER rings. It is so seldom that it does that when it does, at first I'm sure it's not for me, until I hear my ringtone. So anyway, didn't answer it, we don't get to see each other often and I figured who ever was on the phone could wait.

When Mo got off work last night she asked me why I didn't answer my phone.

Me-"I was in the shower?"

Mo- Are you lying to me?

Me- Yes, my friend was here, I didn't want to answer the phone.

Mo- Thanks Mom, I was having a bad day at work and I called you on my lunch to tell you about it. Were you having sex?

Me- Of course not. I'm sorry you were having a bad day, tell me about it.

Mo- Way to change the subject Mom.

She told me about fighting with her best friend and now they're not friends anymore, on and on, teenage girl drama. After the story and lots of hugs and sympathy from Mom, I said I hurt my back moving boxes for Kay so I was going to get in the tub.

That's when she turned that sweet little face to me and said " Did you hurt your back moving boxes or while you were having sex when you didn't answer the phone?"

Why oh why did we think it was such a good idea to teach her to talk?