Monday, December 20, 2010

Krissy and Jane

It’s been a long while since I blogged. I stopped for November so I could focus on NANOWRIMO. Once November was over with all the activity surrounding getting ready for the holidays, I was just unable to find my blogging mojo. I wish I could say that this post is about mojo regained, it’s not. This is about the sad waste of a life.


I have a friend, or rather, I HAD a friend, about a year and a half ago I asked her to never call me again. I told her I didn’t need her drama in my life. I told her I couldn’t watch her kill herself. Now she is gone, but before we get there, I want to tell you about my friend.


Krissy was beautiful, intelligent, talented and broken. She was unable to see her own worth and acted like I was crazy when I would tell her how fortunate I felt to be her friend. Krissy was just unable to believe that she was lovable or valuable. I don’t know why, I’m not sure she knew why, so she drank. And drank, and drank.

Krissy drank away everything that ever mattered to her, including her children. She lost custody of both of her daughters because she was unable to stay sober. I think a part of her believed she didn’t deserve them. She told me several times they would be better off without her, they didn't need a mother like her. That made me cry and I told her again and again how fortunate they were to have her.


Krissy was funny, so very funny. She and I had so many inside jokes, all it would take was one word or a hand motion and we would both be laughing so hard, standing with our legs crossed trying not to pee our pants. She always knew what would make me laugh and at work I would get random emails from her, strange ads on craigslist, funny dating profiles, news of the weird. Krissy could find a laugh in just about anything.

Krissy loved movies and she could quote them all. I am not a movie buff. She would start telling me about some funny scene in a movie and start laughing so hard she could barely talk and I would just look at her, not knowing the movie so unable to see the humor and when she would stop laughing she would say " Dammit Jane, why am I your friend? You know nothing about humor." Then she would laugh again.

She always called me Jane, as in Jane you ignorant slut, from Saturday Night Live, and she was my Krissy friend. "Anytime I called her she would answer the phone "Bobs House of Bestiality" or some other perverted sex shop name and then laugh like a hyena and say " Jane you ignorant slut, where have you been all my life?"

Krissy snorted when she laughed, which always made me laugh harder.

Did I mention that she drank? I don’t mean she drank a little, she drank so much that one of the many times I cleaned her apartment after a binge I filled five huge trash cans with empty alcohol containers. I remember thinking that she had consumed more alcohol in a week than most people do in a lifetime. I also wondered how she could live through that kind of drinking, but live she did.

 Our friendship had been broken more than once due to her drinking, I couldn't understand it and I couldn't watch it. I tried to be supportive, to be there for her, to help her over the hard spots. She could be a mean drunk and when you tried to help her she would turn on you so when her youngest daughter was about two I said, no more, I won't do this anymore. I didn't see her for three years.

 After all that time a mutual friend asked for my help because no one had seen her in weeks and he was worried, he asked me to climb through her dog door because I was the only one who could fit. I was mad, I didn't want to be pulled back into that mess. I climbed through the dog door and sat in the car while he went in. After about an hour I had to use the bathroom so I snuck in but she heard me, he told her I was in the car.

 Krissy called my name, I went to the doorway of her bedroom. I was so disgusted, how do you let yourself get to this place? I didn't want anything to do with her.Tears started rolling down her face and she held out her hand to me. Her beautiful hands. Krissy had the hands of a concert pianist. Long, beautiful, delicate fingers, so soft they were childlike. I held her hand and as weak as she was she tried to pull me to her, I climbed into that disgusting bed she had been laying in for weeks and just held her. Krissy put her hand on my cheek, looked in my eyes and said "Jane, is it really you?"

 Trina and I took her to the hospital that time to detox. She was bad, really bad. The alcohol had affected the motor center of her brain and they didn't think she would walk again. The doctor told me she would probably have to go into a nursing home. My beautiful Krissy, unable to even go to the bathroom on her own.

 Somehow she recovered, she got better. I took her home, we cried about it, then, because it was Krissy, we laughed about it. She told me of things that happened in the hospital and the cute little boy nurses that took care of her and we laughed some more. She was determined to get better. I was determined to help her.

Krissy liked to stay busy when she wasn’t drinking, I think it helped her not to drink. She was always finding and restoring some thing that she found at a yard sale or thrift store. Krissy had the ability to take something that most of us would throw away and turn it into something beautiful.

Krissy loved animals, she took in every stray, she found homes for animals that no one else wanted. She loved them with  the love a mother has for her children and every time she woke up in the hospital I had taken her to, yet again, her first question was about her animals.

 In the end, none of these things mattered. That demon on her back was stronger than the love that she had for us or that we had for her, and she fell. I walked away because I couldn't stand it. I could not stand to see her waste her life and all she had to give. I didn't know how to help her in a way that didn't enable her. So I walked away.

Two days ago a homeless woman was found dead in a park bathroom. She was brutally murdered. My beautiful  friend Krissy is no more.

The news report said she fought her attacker so they were looking for someone who liked like they had been in a fight. That was my Krissy, a hell cat to the end. Even in death she made me laugh, I knew she would never go down without a fight.

Goodbye my Krissy friend, you were so loved, I'm so sorry it wasn't enough. We will never forget you and never stop mourning what could have been, if only.........

I will miss you so.
Love,
Jane

  Kristine Marie Gabel 
September  1, 1965- December 18, 2010

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

What is happening to me???

      Just a short little blog today, cause you all know I'm like, writing for real! Anyway, I seem to have a problem. What is that problem you ask? I’m turning into Julia Child, well, Julia Child if she couldn’t cook and had absolutely no idea what ingredients compliment each other. Mostly I just drink lots of wine, wear a funny apron and talk with an accent, southern not British.

 Seriously though, since I’ve started writing my novel as part of National Novel Writing Month, all I want to do is cook and bake.


   Now the baking part, that’s pretty normal, it’s November. This is when the baking begins in earnest. Cookies, breads, candy, truffles, I can’t stand it. I must bake goodies! This cooking thing? I have no idea where that came from because if you know anything  at all about me, you know I can’t cook. And don't want to, that's why God made take out.

     On Sunday I made dinner, which is pretty normal, if I make dinner it will be on Sunday. Usually it’s something as easy as possible, throw a roast in the crock pot with some onions, carrots and potatoes and  life is good. No, this Sunday, I made bbq chicken, which is pretty easy, not a lot of thinking required but as I was throwing the chicken and bbq sauce in the pan I thought, wouldn’t some cheesy scalloped potatoes be wonderful with this?

     I looked around the kitchen because I was quite sure that thought didn’t come from me, but no one else was home. I actually went online, found a recipe and made homemade scalloped potatoes. I didn’t know you could make them without that little box that Betty Crocker sells.

     Right now it is 7:30 in the morning and I’m thinking about dinner. Mo doesn’t have to work, I bought some spare ribs, I will bbq half for her, she hates most food but if I cover it in bbq sauce or ranch dressing,  she will eat it. The rest? I’m thinking a honey garlic sauce………..Now who the hell said that? Who is controlling my brain?

    Wait, some of that beautiful basmati rice from the rice cooker, and that carnival squash I bought to decorate the table for fall. I didn't even know that was edible but somehow I found myself googling "weird looking decorative squash" so now I'm going to cook it.

    Stop the madness! And if this isn’t enough to let you know I’ve gone over the edge. Saturday I invited some friends over for a girls wine night. Once again, very, very normal for me, however the reason behind the invitation was not. I had some new appetizer recipes I wanted to try.

    I'm starting to wonder if this is some weird empty nesting thing. You know, before you  give birth you clean, organize and decorate, feather your nest for your new little one. Maybe since I know Mo is in such a hurry to leave home I'm trying to fatten her up to prepare her for the lean times when she leaves home. Or maybe, I've just gone crazy.

   Please, send help and something called Chinese five spice? WTH???.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Halloween is my favorite!

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. I know it’s not actually a holiday but around here it’s a pretty big deal. My ex husbands birthday was Halloween so we liked to have a costume party for the adults so his birthday didn’t get completely overlooked, it was always fun.

When Mo was little I made her costumes. I hated store bought costumes when I was a kid, that vinyl feeling suit with the plastic mask, those sucked. Apparently Mo feels the same way about home made costumes.

 She has been a jack in the box, an angel, a flower in a flower pot, a hula dancer, a black cat, then she insisted on fairy costumes, from the store. Damn kid.

I dress up every year as well, it's half the fun. I usually have two or three costumes, one for work and one or two more depending on how many parties there are. this year I had three.

I was Cruella Deville at Matt and Sandi's party, I recycled that from last year, see how green I am? For work I was a crazy cat lady, complete with a litter box cake.

Trina, Clay and I try to do a group thing. Last year he was a priest and we were nuns. This year, Trina came up with dysfunctional beauty contestants. I was Miss Conduct, in my little prisoner outfit, Keisha was Miss Demeanor, ummm hmmm, yes she was, Trina was Miss Behaving- she was a devil, but the winner of the Miss Dysfunctional USA 2010 was Miss Guided.
Even though Trina glued his eyes shut with his eyelashes and he kept losing fingernails in his panty hose, he rocked the lady beauty contestant thing! Can't wait to see what we come up with next year!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Five year olds and the DMV

It’s amazing how grown up our kids are one minute and how completely five years old they are the next. Recently Mo’s car needed the tags renewed, I figured she should do it, she needs to know how.


I went over the process with her, what to take, where to go. The entire time she is rolling her eyes, “ I know Mom, I’m not five, I think I can handle this.” Fine, do it yourself big girl.

Mo gets out of school, texts me and says she is going to the house to pick up the paperwork and then heading to the DMV. Awesome, maybe she does have this. Half an hour later I get a phone call from a very pissed off little girl.

“Mom, my insurance card is not in my car.”

“ What did you do with it? Remember, I gave it to you and told you to put it in the glove box?”

“I did, now it’s not there.” Little girl is displaying major attitude here.

“Well obviously Sweetie it never made it to the glove box, if it had, it would be there.”

“Mom, I’m not stupid, I know I put it in there.” Boy is she pretty pissy, like this is my fault.

“I don’t think it made it to the glove box and it got thrown out. There is so much trash in your car, you don’t know what you’re throwing out.”

Then through gritted teeth she says to me, “ I DID NOT THROW IT AWAY.”

“ Whatever Mo, I gotta go, you are going to have to figure this out.”

“ You wanna know how I know I didn’t throw it away? I never clean out my stupid car so nothing gets thrown away.”

This makes me laugh, really hard.

“Fine, laugh if you want Mom, I’m gonna go look again.”

Ten minutes later I get the following text.


                     Found it, love you Mommy.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Writing, writing,writing.....

 Still working on my NaNoWriMo, I'm at almost 7,000 words in two days. Thanks for the comments, I'm reading them all. I'm also reading your blogs but I know if I get distracted by commenting I will never get back to writing so forgive me if I don't comment. It will be December before we know it!

Day One

  I did it. Day one 5115 words. That's all folks, nothing else, thanks for supporting me. I got to get out of this chair, my butt hurts!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

More Random Everyday

Time to clear out my head and make room for my novel to take shape. This is the kind of stuff that I wonder about, not enough to keep me up at night, but still.....



Why are there always so many crumbs in the silverware tray? Who’s eating toast in there?

Why is it that the crotch of pantyhose is never remotely close to where my actual crotch is?

If I didn’t forget to let the dog out and Mo didn’t forget to let the dog out, who forgot to let the dog out?

If I’ve been INVITED to attend a Gala, why do I need to PAY $250? Am I just not understanding this whole “you’ve been invited” thing?

The longest red lights are the ones where I’m stuck next to the kid in the $50 car with the $8,000 stereo system.

Why is it, the older I get the oilier my face is, aren’t wrinkles bad enough? I gotta have an oil slick in my golden years?

Why is it humanly impossible for me to wear a white shirt to lunch and not go back to work with something spilled down the front of it?

Why is it that at 17 you are pretty sure you know everything and that your mother knows nothing? And at 46 the opposite is true, you realize you know nothing and that your mother was right about everything.

Have you ever noticed that as soon as you thank Mother Nature for the beautiful weather, she rains all over your parade?

 Ok, there's a little more room in there now, I might be ok. Tomorrow is the big day! Just think you can say you knew me when- you know, before I had a total brain explosion and had to spend the rest of my life in a padded room. See you on the other side of November.

Friday, October 29, 2010

NaNoWriMo

I may have mentioned before that my friend Vicki at Glitterfrog motivated me to join NaNoWriMo. Now, I’m freaking out. 50,000 is a hell of a lot of words! I mean I can write that many words but can I write that many words, in a row, that make sense, in 30 days? Am I the only one who sees large quantities of wine in my future?


So, I want to throttle thank Vicki for motivating me to do something productive. If you are not familiar with it, NaNoWriMo is all about output. It’s a time to put aside our search for writing perfection and just get words on paper. No editing, no rewriting, just let it all out for 30 days. This is supposed to take some of the pressure to write a “perfect” novel off of us. I’m starting to get excited, even though I’m still giving Vicki a hard time for getting me into this.


I will truly be flying by the seat of my pants. Other people on the discussion boards have an outline, a title, cover art. Me, I kind of have an idea and the first sentence. The rest I will be just as surprised about as everyone else because that’s the way I write.


I once told someone that for me writing is uncontrollable compulsion to get these words off the ends of my fingers. I have no idea what a story is about until it is being written. When I write it I am also reading it for the first time. Who knows where this can take me.

I’m excited but I’m also concerned. I mean, come on, it’s freaking November! Have they forgotten that Christmas starts in November? The tree needs to go up, presents need to be wrapped, cards addressed, the house decorated. I’m getting nervous just thinking about it.

I have to be ready because I am the world’s best procrastinator. I should get a medal or something. Trust me if I can find something to do to put off writing this novel I will.

The reasons will be many:

Oh, I’ll just write a blog, just a quick, short one.- I’m writing all my November posts now to prevent this.
I need to plan Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas dinner- I’m planning all of that- right now!
The bathroom needs to be cleaned, I’ll just do that first- I’m scrubbing the house from top to bottom.
The tree needs to go up, house needs to be decorated- I’m turning that over to Mo.
Christmas cards need to be addressed- Guess what? They are addressed and even stamped!
I’m currently reading three books at once because I can’t let myself read in November or I’ll never write!
Laundry needs to be done- this one I haven’t figured out, I think there is gonna be a whole lotta naked going on in November, guess we’ll just turn the heat up.


As I discover things I know I will use to procrastinate I am trying to get them done and over with, my house is getting winterized better this year than ever, because I know, one little piece of weatherstripping can cause this whole thing to come undone!

Wish me luck, although I won’t be actively posting I will be rewarding myself for reaching my goals every day and the reward I’ve chosen is reading all my friends blogs.

50,000 words divided by 30 days equals 1,666.66 words per day. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Zombie Apocalypse

Sunday the power went out about two in the afternoon. Initially it wasn't a big deal, it was day light the heat had been on all morning, we had eaten lunch, Ivy was down for her nap, everything was good.


As the day wore on it got a little more inconvenient, there aren't any windows in any of our bathrooms. Good thing we are all girls.

Time to take my little Ivy Love home and I was on the horns of a dilemma, take Mo with me and leave the fireplace unattended or leave her home with candles and the fireplace. I called Baby Daddy and explained the problem, he came to pick up little Miss Ivy and return her to her Momma.

I started to be very grateful that I had all that food storage, the lights might be out but I have a manual can opener, we could still eat.

Mo's boyfriend and a few friends came over, they played Monopoly in front of the fire while I drank wine and read by candlelight.

I felt very pioneerish. I could handle this, as long as my phone has a charge I know what time it is and am not cut off from the world.

The power company said the power should be back on by ten, I started to worry about not being able to charge my cell phone. I realized how reliant I am on electicity and technology.

There is only one clock in my house that is not digital and electric. We have no home phone. I cannot live without google! My stove is electric.

It was so fun to watch the kids. They decided that this was the zombie apocalypse and we didn't have enough weapons. They played Monopoly as couples, it got pretty cutthroat, they were talking about whose kids were gonna be on the street corner with will work for food signs. It was hysterical.

I was able to type this blog on my netbook because the battery had not yet died. I was proud of myself for having lots of candles and batteries for the flashlights. Mo and I are both very good about keeping our cars gassed up and if this were a real emergency we would not have starved but I did learn some things that I still need:

1. Logs for the fireplace, Mo ran and got some but what if the stores weren't able to open, one more thing for the food storage.

2. Battery operated or wind up alarm clock.

3. A way to charge the cell phones that doesn't require electricity.

4. A wireless internet connection that is not dependent on electricity.

5. More battery powered lights. Candles are great but there is a limit to how many you want to use.

6. Wine. I do not have enough wine for an emergency and I certainly do not want to meet the zombies sober.

It was one of the most wonderful evenings I've spent in a long time. Usually when all the kids are here I'm kind of in and out, I bring in snacks and drinks, take out the trash, just general picking up, but I'm really eavesdropping, making sure nothing unsavory is going on.

This time we were all in the same room, even Clementine, who is snoring next to me as I write this. I got to listen to them interact with each other, and occassionally they even asked for my opinion.

Thank you Rocky Mountain Power for keeping the lights out and letting me spend time with some great kids.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Barefoot Summer

One of the things I love most about summer is being barefoot. I keep flip flops in the car when I have to run into a store and I wear sandals at work. The rest of the time my feet are gloriously naked. As soon as I get home from work the shoes come off and if I have my way, they don’t go back on until I walk out the door for work in the morning.


I’ve always loved being barefoot. The feel of cool grass under my feet is wonderful. Or the soft black dirt of my vegetable garden. I love being barefoot.

Now that fall is hear and I’m wearing shoes more I have come to realize that after a barefoot summer my feet could be considered lethal weapons. When you shred your socks pulling them on, there might be a problem. My sheets are thin where my feet lie at night.

I bought a pedi egg because one of the guys at work raved about it. I sent that thing home crying to its Momma, and I decided my co worker must have sissy feet that have never seen the light of day.

So it’s back to my tried and true method. Spend a few nights with some sandpaper, grossing Mo out as I sand layers of crusty skin off my feet and then use the pedicure system Mo gave me for Christmas one year. I’ll soak my feet and then dip them in wax, after the wax comes off slather them with lotion and spend the winter in socks.

Come Spring my feet will be lovely and soft, for about a week, then it’s back to square one.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Little girls grow up

  This is what my kitchen looked like a few days ago. Mo and two of her friends decided they wanted to make dinner and have a movie night at home with their boyfriends.

  It was very cute. Mo doesn't cook, like her mother she can microwave just about anything, in a package, with directions. Mo decided she wanted to make Joycie's Alfredo sauce. The girls did it all. They even put vegetables in the Alfredo sauce with the chicken,

  It was so cute to watch. They are walking around the kitchen, each of them doing a different job, talking about boys and school and their summers. Just like grown women. The only thing missing was the glasses of wine, they had kool aide instead.



  This is what dinner looked like. Aren't they cute? My baby is growing up and learning to cook. I guess I won't starve to death when I'm old and wearing diapers and living with her. Just don't tell her I'm going to live with her, I want it to be a surprise!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Lunch and legless dwarfs

If you are easily offended, stop reading now. Otherwise, don’t say I didn’t warn you!



Last week Joyce and I went to the local buffet for lunch, this is a weakness of ours, I mean really, who needs to eat that much food in the middle of the day? I know I don’t have to eat it all but dammit it’s a buffet! I want my money’s worth!


When we came out after stuffing ourselves we were laughing about something when this guy sitting in a little Toyota pickup truck in the Carl’s Jr drive though, caught my eye. He smiled, I smiled, he smiled, I smiled. It was cute and unusual. Joyce was laughing at me the whole time. As we back up, he waves goodbye. That did it, I had to give him my number.


Joyce thought I was crazy, she was not going to stop so I could do this. I pouted and said fine, drive away and make me miss out on the love of my life. Once she stopped I started waffling- What if he’s married? What if he thinks I’m crazy? Joyce finally said- Get out right now and give him your number or I’m gonna kick you! We have a strange and twisted relationship.


I wrote my name and number on a piece of paper, gathered my courage and jogged over to his truck. I handed him the paper, smiled and jogged back to the jeep.


When I got in the jeep I said, “I think he’s a dwarf” Now I don’t mean an actual dwarf, Joyce and I both like men over six feet tall, anyone under that is a dwarf.

“That’s why you never give your number to men trapped in small vehicles, they might be dwarfs. For all you know, he might not even have legs.” Joyce is always the optimist.


“Ok, you have to get on board with me about this, if he doesn’t call it’s because he is married, not because he doesn’t think I’m cute.”


Joyce said, “ No, if he doesn’t call it’s because he is a dwarf with no legs. He say you jogging over there on your cute legs and the thought- I’d like to be with a girl with legs, but it will never work, and that’s why he didn’t call.”


Joyce has quite the imagination and once she gets a thought in her head she can’t let it go. I’m still laughing about the legless dwarf when she comes out with this:

“ How would you do it with a dwarf, would you put him on a table behind you so he had some height?” She’s serious, she really thinks about these things. I’m laughing so hard I’m pretty sure I’m gonna pee my pants. Finally she decides-

“If he doesn’t call you it’s because he’s a legless dwarf who doesn’t want to get you from behind.”


“Can’t we just say he’s married?” I’m crying by this time.

“ No, my way is so much better Carol.”


Just for the record, he did call, and he had such a speech impediment that I couldn’t understand him. So now Joyce’s favorite story is about the time I gave my number to a legless dwarf with a speech impediment.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

What lives in your head?

I wish I could blog every day. I have so much to say. Sometimes I do really well but then something comes along and knocks me off course, just a little, and then it’s really hard to get back to where I started.


Fall is not my favorite time of year, it always makes me a little sad. Summer is gone, warm days are behind us. No more yard work, walks in the sun, lunches in the park with my girl and her friends.


Then I realize Christmas is coming!! Oh someone help me! I already have several Christmas and baby gifts completed. I can’t wait to decorate the house. This will be a year for new traditions. Mo is getting older, in such a hurry to leave the nest and spread her wings so this year we are coming up with traditions that she can take with her but we can still share.


We are already coming up with new things. One thing we’ve started a few years ago is Mo and Ivy’s dysfunctional family Christmas party. It’s my favorite thing. This year we are going to expand it a little so that in the years to come, as Mo gets married and creates her own family, this will be a tradition at Mom’s that is separate from Christmas Day. I can’t wait for this year’s party.


This is also the year that I work on teaching Mo how to make all the traditional fixings that go with the holiday dinners. I thought stuffing came out of a box and yams out of a can for years, I know better now, thank you Trina.  My baby will make the Thanksgiving turkey this year, she gets to decide which method to use and that’s what we’ll do.


I also don’t believe that I’ve done enough to instill in her that Christmas is a time for giving, and not just to people you know. I know I should have done more to that end when she was younger but she was my only child, it was so easy to give and give and give. We have done the Angel tree in the past and we do Sub for Santa every year and I hope those are things she continues with her family one day. This year we are also going to do shoe boxes for Christmas, not just Mo and I, but her friends as well. We all have so much, we can give back much more than we do.

I’m trying to plan the holidays this month. Next month I am participating in the NaNoWriMo. A 175 page novel in 30 days. I’m sure I won’t have much time to blog but hopefully, you will want to hear all about it when I do find time. So although my posts will be sporadic, I still read everything you write and look forward to it.

Also any ideas for holiday traditions that Mo and I can start as she moves into adulthood would be very welcome!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

When did I get this old?

Most of the time my age doesn’t bother me. I usually forget, to be honest. I know how old I am but I don’t feel like what I thought middle aged would feel like so it’s easy to forget. Just the other day I was reminded of my age and forced to say it out loud, “ I will be 47 in a few months.” WTH??



Oh damn that sounds old, old, old. I know it’s not, but come on, do you have any idea how close that is to 50? I’m starting to freak out a little bit. Since I’ve said that out loud it seems like my body is realizing it is no longer 25 and now it wants to fall apart. Stuff is starting to hurt. I went to watch the boys play football and sitting on those bleachers just about killed me, my back hurt so bad! My back never hurts.

Now when I stand up after sitting for a while, I’m all creaky and hunched over. When did this happen? And to top it all off, I’m becoming a hypochondriac. I thought people were born like that but I’m starting to realize it happens as you get older and your body starts doing things you have no control over.


Clay helped me move a couch, I thought I had an aneurysm. Later I was driving and got a pain in my eye, I thought maybe I was having a stroke. And my damn bunion was hurting. At this rate I'll be bedridden within a week.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

I think it may be time for an intervention

   I have really, really good intentions. The list of marvelous, wonderful things I am going to accomplish every day is manageable. Apparently I'm not good at time management. Here is the plan for the day that lives in my head:

5am- get up, do some light stretching, shower, hair and make up
6am-2:30pm- work
3pm- straighten up the house while dinner is in the microwave
4pm- eat a nice dinner with Mo
4:30- catch up on a few blogs
5:30- work on the Christmas presents and baby gifts that are in the basement waiting for me
6:30 write
7:30- yoga
8:15 light weights
8:45 write until bedtime

  This is what my day actually looks like:

5:30- oversleep- jump in the shower, go to work with wet hair that I will pull back in a clip when I get there. Through on some eyeliner and mascara at my desk.
6-2:30- work, frequently checking my email to see who has commented on my blog
3pm- throw something in the microwave while responding to comments on blog
4pm- eat a hot pocket and string cheese while reading blogs
5pm- have a glass of wine and walk downstairs to look at the Christmas mess
5:15- get a tweet that says Kathryn has published a new blog- run upstairs to read it.
5:30 write tomorrows blog and get more wine
6pm- think about exercising and decide it's not a good idea because I've had two glasses of wine, so read more blogs
7pm- get more wine and see if we have any cookies
7:15- walk downstairs again to look at presents. Wait email update on my phone, someone just commented on my blog- back up stairs I go.
7:30 respond to comment and read more blogs
Shit, it's ten, time for bed. This is getting out of hand. I work for eight hours a day, I sleep for seven, then there are like two hours for personal hygiene and commuting, the remaining seven hours I spend drinking wine and reading blogs. I think this may be a problem. The only way to have enough time  to read blogs is if I quit my job.

  I thought about it , I really did, but I wouldn't be able to pay for the Internet so in order to read blogs, I'd have to spend all my time in a coffee shop or book store with free wi fi, the gas would get shut off so I wouldn't be able to shower, I'd get kicked out of the bookstore. It's probably best if I keep my job.

  Tomorrow I"m turning over a new leaf. I'm going to become disciplined! No blogs until after I exercise and write something!  That should motivate me to get something done. Although, I really think I should still be able to respond to comments while I'm heating up dinner. I won't read any blogs, but it's impolite not to respond to comments.

  Maybe I'll get disciplined next week. Or even better, it's always best to start a new habit at the beginning of the month, so maybe I'll get disciplined in November. Then again, it would be a good New Years resolution.

  Send wine, I don't see my habits changing.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

My buddy and me....



Do you remember the toy, My Buddy? And the song:

My Buddy and me

Like to climb up a tree.

My buddy and me

We're the best friends that could be.

My youngest brother had a My Buddy doll, he would drag that thing everywhere, until he saw the Chucky movies, then he wanted nothing to do with it. He was afraid of the operator too, weird kid.

This isn't about a toy though, this is about my real life My Buddy. I've blogged about her before, she is a constant in my life.

I love my sisters, this has nothing to do with my love for them. However, with my sisters I find that we have certain expectations of each other. Our feelings get hurt, we don't talk about what bothers us, we dance around each others feelings.

Not Tree and I! Dammit if she pisses me off, she's gonna know about it, and vice versa.

Sometimes our friends are a mirror image of ourselves. In this case, Trina and I are each others good side. Sometimes she will call me and say "OK, am I just being a bitch?" and if she is, I will tell her she needs to let whatever is bothering her go. At the same time she will tell me, stop poking that man with a stick, he doesn't deserve it. I hate it when she's right.

   Trina is the friend who holds you when you cry and makes sure you don't puke in your hair. She is also the friend who laughs until she pees her pants after you fall out of her house, but only once she's sure you are ok. If I ever have to go to the hospital, Trina is there. Even when I was married Trina was the one holding my hand when I was scared.

We are able to listen to each other and see what the issue really is, instead of what we are pretending it is  amin order to protect ourselves. With Trina I can be who I really am, warts and all. I can honestly say, I don't know who I would be without her. Trina is who I want to be if I ever grow up. I hope one day, Mo is lucky enough to have a friend like Trina.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Why I don't cook

   
   

  

   




   I keep mentioning in my blog that I do not cook. I can heat stuff up with the best of them but actual cooking. I'll leave that to the pros. after all, there is a fast food joint on every corner.

    You wanna know why I don't cook? Rules!!! I know they are called recipes but to me, they are just rules. I hate when pieces of paper try to tell me what to do. I will bake anything you want, because usually that involves chocolate and all kinds of sweetness so I get a reward for following the rules, but cooking? Not enough reward there.

     I am not a good grocery shopper, I mean who buys tomato paste, on purpose? I can't imagine saying to myself " I must stop at the store because we are fresh out of tomato paste." Yeah, not gonna happen. So since I don't have tomato paste, or most other things used in cooking I have to improvise.

     Take chili for instance, here is a recipe from online and my substitutions:

• 12 oz tomato paste- cream cheese and red food coloring


• 16 oz tomato sauce- ketchup

• 3 24oz cans red kidney beans (drained)- green beans

• 6 Tablespoons garlic powder- Mrs Dash, lots and lots of Mrs Dash- its the only spice I have

• 3 Tablespoons onion powder- see above

• 2 Tablespoons ground cumin- see above

• 2 Tablespoons parsley- see above

• 2 Teaspoons oregano- stop talking about spices!

• 1/2 Teaspoon salt- i have salt!!

• 1/2 Teaspoon ground black pepper- no pepper in my food

• 1 Tablespoon chipotle powder- what the hell is this?

• 1 Teaspoon habenero chile powder- cinnamon- it's the same color

• 1 medium onion, chopped- onion

• 4 whole red habeneros (deveined, deseeded and chopped) nope- I hate hot stuff

• 6 jalepenos (deveined, deseeded and chopped) nope again

• 2 New Mexican chiles (deveined, deseeded and chopped) see above

• 1/2 pound elbow macaroni- just use whats in the mac and cheese box and add the cheese packet so there's no waste.

• 1 pound steak of choice- roast beef from the deli

• 1 pound ground beef- hamburger from McDonald's

• 1 pound ground pork- nope

• 6 oz beer (1/2 can)- like I'm gonna waste beer on other people! I added milk because of the mac and cheese, I was all kinds of inventive that day!

   Then after giving you a laundry list of stuff to throw in a pot, the stupid recipe wants to tell you what to do with it. My only cooking rule is don't put aluminium foil in the microwave.

   I don't understand why no one wants to come over for dinner.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Thank you Dr. Edwards

   Dr. Robert Edwards received the Nobel prize in medicine. He, along with Dr Patrick Steptoe are the inventors of IVF- in vitro fertilization.

   I can't give you an award, all I can give you is my thanks. Thank you for my baby, for all the babies. Thank you for every minute that I am Mo's mom. When the doctors all said it was impossible, I had hope, because of you.
   So thank you for my little Mo, each and every second of my life I am grateful for your knowledge, perseverance and determination.
   Congratulations, you deserve this and so much more for all you have given to us.

I think I may have a problem

     Last week at work Joyce and I were talking with Anu, a sweet little lady from India that works with us. They were talking about rice, apparently there is more than one kind of rice, who knew? Move over Minute Rice!

      They were talking about rice with beautiful names like basmati and jasmine. It was lovely to hear them talk, I wasn't picturing rice in my mind, instead I saw fields of flowers and other good smelling things, needless to say I was drifting and not paying attention to the conversation.

       Then it happened. Rice cooker. What is a rice cooker? Is this some kind of appliance I've never heard of? What does one do with a rice cooker? Why cook rice of course! Tell me more!

       I began quizzing them on rice cookers. What do they look like? What do they do? How do they do it? Where can I get one? I was all a twitter.

       I didn't even make it home, I had to stop at that big box store we all love to hate and buy myself a rice cooker. There were so many to choose from, different sizes, different brands. Oh, my! I bought the eight cup one, because six cups didn't sound like enough. I mean, maybe I'll have company and need lots and lots of rice.  Now, I'm ready for anything with my handy dandy little rice cooker.

       I rushed home to show Mo my wonderful little rice cooker. As I walked in the house I remembered two things:

   1. I don't cook, not even rice,

   2. I don't even like rice!

     What the hell was I thinking? My little rice cooker sits, on top of the refrigerator, still in the box. I haven't even opened it. I'm waiting until I clean that one cabinet out, then I'm going to shove it in there, where it will wait, until I need eight cups of rice.

      I wonder if you can pop popcorn in it? Oh wait, I don't eat popcorn either.

Friday, October 1, 2010

With you all things are possible.....

   This is for you, all my lovely bloggy friends. My new friend Vicki has given me an award. If you haven't read her blog you should, she is definitely a glitter frog and makes me laugh. Even more amazing, she reads what I write and we are not related AND I don't even have to pay her!

   I'm horrible at these blog award rules, this one says you should give it to 15 people, well, I don't follow rules so I'm giving it to all of you, grab this award and put it on your page and then pass it on to 15 deserving souls, or not, as you see fit.

  Instead I'm going to present you with 15 random things I know, or have thought recently. So basically this is your fifteen minutes inside my head. You've waited forever for this haven't you?

#1- Measuring cups do not get stored in the fridge.

#2- Strippers use Visine to get the red out after shaving before spending the night on the pole.

#3- I miss lighting bugs.

#4-The only part of gym class I liked was climbing the rope.

#5-Earrings and vibrators? Seriously!!

#6- It is physically impossible for a 17 year old girl to replace the toilet paper roll.

#7- Hair extensions are actually glued in with a special hot glue gun.

#8- If you close the swamp cooler for the season it will be 90 degrees for a week.

#9- The bigger my ass gets the more I want ice cream, and sweat pants.

#10- There is a middle aged woman who stalks me from my bathroom mirror. I don't know how to get rid of her.

#11- Sometimes my kid is too honest.

#12- If wishes were horses there would be a lot of horse shit in my yard.

#13- Friday the 13th is my lucky day, or it was, until my sister got married at the drive through.

#14- Yeah, she's gonna kick my ass for #13

#15- Why does it always smell like ass in the kitchen at work?

  That's it, all I've got. Grab an award and go spread joy. I love that people read what falls out of my head. I appreciate it every single day, your comments make me feel all warm and fuzzy. Thanks for that, I can always use warm and fuzzy.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Someone had a hot date

     Today when I was surfing the net working I came across this on News of the Weird:

SPARTANBURG COUNTY, S.C. — A woman is facing charges after being accused of shoplifting earrings and two vibrators.  Clerks of two stores in Westgate Mall in Spartanburg reported that a woman was shoplifting.  An employee at Spencer’s said she saw the woman, later identified by police as 19-year-old Aleshia Lollis, go to the back of the store and put two vibrators in her purse.  Security was called, but Lollis had moved on to Claire’s, where a cashier said Lollis went to the back of the store and put three pairs of earrings in her purse… she was arrested and charged with shoplifting.

  WTF?? Are you kidding me? Vibrators and earrings? Where's the wine? I mean if you are gonna dress up and wear earrings for your vibrator you should at least offer it a glass of wine!

  The things I learn when I'm working.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Meet Clementine the next Houdini

Mo came home from school on Tuesday and called me at work. This, in and of itself, is unusual. I tell her to call me, so I know she is alive, hasn't been kidnapped by aliens, gotten lost, or distracted by something shiny. She never remembers. When I call her to make sure none of the above things have happened, she doesn't answer. Her reason is always the same, “ I was peeing woman!” That girl pees more than anyone I know.

   Back to my story, there is a story in here somewhere, I promise.  So Mo calls me and says "We can't leave the windows open anymore when we leave."

  Now I don't know about you but that one sentence made the bottom drop out of my stomach, someone has broken in and stolen all of our shiny things!

  Then she explains, there was a note on the door:



Your dog was on the roof cause he climbed out the window and couldn't jump back in. I brought him inside to keep him safe. Come by when you get home.

My dog? All nine pounds of her, climbed out Mo's window trying to escape her incredibly rough life of ball chasing, bone chewing, and sleeping on my pillow.

  I should tell you that Clementine is the world's best escape artist. She can dig under a fence in the time it takes to answer the phone. Usually she runs away to the post office. I don't know why, maybe she wants to bite a mail man.

They have me on speed dial because when she gets in the post office, and she always goes in, no hanging in the parking lot for my doggie, she acts like she is rabid and won't let anyone touch her. She likes to go in and lay on the tile floor. WTH?

  So now my little Houdini has found another method of escape. I can just see her sitting on the couch, sipping a cocktail, having a snausage, giggling to herself as she plots her next escape.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Out of the mouths of babes

   I recently wrote a post about how I'm such a good Auntie, teaching Ivy to say all those wonderful bad words and then rewarding her with cookies. She's too cute to actually ever discipline! Anyway, the comments on that post got me thinking about Mo when she was little.

   Mo was, and still is, a talker. Sometimes I think that girl came out of my girlie bits speaking in complete sentences. When she was 18 months old her daycare mother told everyone that Mo could speak better than most 5 year olds. Yes I was busting my buttons proud. She spoke young and she spoke well, Mo always spoke clearly, so clearly that other people had no trouble understanding her, no baby talk for my baby! This was cute, most of the time. I can remember a few occasions where cute is not what I would have called it.

   For some reason Mo never really swore. I'm sure she repeated a word here and there but never to the point that it became something we needed to correct. Mo generally would accept our explanations  of what was and wasn't acceptable. She called Beavis and Butthead, Beaivs and the other guy until she was 12, we didn't allow her to say butthead, it wasn't how nice girls talked.


  However Mo always seemed to know which words, even thought they weren't  "bad" words, would get a rise out of people.

  When Mo was two we went to a local Christian church that had a great worship band, Mo never went in the nursery because she loved the music and would sit quietly and listen to the pastor speak. One Sunday after the band was finished playing and we were waiting for Pastor Steve to talk to us Mo told me she wanted to go up there and talk.

   " Sweetie, you can't, that is not for little girls it is only for the Pastor, he tells us about Jesus, remember? " I'm thinking maybe my baby is going to be a minister when she grows up, she wants to speak to a whole congregation!

  Pastor Steve steps up, says hello to all of us and proceeds with that days lesson. Suddenly, my little girl, in that loud, loud voice that only toddlers seem to possess, says " Mommy, I want to talk, it's my turn."

  " No sweetie, it's Pastor Steve's turn, you can't go up there."

   " Mommy, I want to talk!" A little louder this time.

   " No, Mo, now sit still and be quiet."

   " But Mommy they let the monkey talk all the time!"  Pastor Steve started laughing. He did look a little like a monkey.

     Then when Mo realized that penis was not a word said in public, then of course, she had to say it. We were in the grocery store, she's in the front of the cart looking as cute as can be when she smiles up at me and says, " Mommy, did you say penis?"

   "  No Mo I didn't, do you want some pop tarts? " Distract, distract, distract.

   "Yes you did say penis Mommy, I heard you say penis."

    " How about some candy, want some Junior Mints?"

And then my sweet little baby looks at the lady who is passing us in the aisle and says, " My mommy said penis." Then she started singing it.

    All I could think  was why oh why did I teach her to talk?

Monday, September 27, 2010

Toddler Fashion

   This weekend Ivy Love came to stay with us.I always say with us but really, she comes to stay with me, Mo is much too busy with her life to help much with a toddler.

   Saturday night we went to the races. Ivy loves the races, she claps her hands and watches all the cars, she even lets me put those little foam ear plugs in her ears. Her little expression when the cars take off is so cute, she looks so excited.

   Ivy went down for a nap in the afternoon so I jumped in the shower. Now that Mo is 17 I've forgotten how to take care of basics like showering with a little one underfoot. After I got out of the shower I ran around in my towel because Ivy's port a crib is in my room and I didn't want to cut her nap short.

   While waiting for Ivy to wake up a friend called, we chatted for a while and I hear Miss Ivy calling for me. I went upstairs to get dressed, still on the phone. Ivy is so happy to see me! She is jumping up and down and I notice she's naked. One of her favorite things to do before her nap is to strip so this wasn't unusual. Then I notice she is peeing all over herself and the blankets in the crib. I quickly tell my friend goodbye, throw on some clothes and get Ivy out of the crib and into the tub.

  Piece of cake, while she's in the tub playing I do my hair and makeup, not really looking at myself because I'm making she Ivy doesn't fall in the tub.

   Somehow we manage to get ready, out the door and to the races on time. We had a blast, Mo and her boyfriend went, we met Marianne and crew there. I was feeling pretty good about managing with a toddler after all these years until Marianne tugged on the tag that was sticking out of my cleavage and said, " Could this be on backwards?"

  Yes, I went to the races with my tank top on backwards. At least Ivy looked cute!

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Why do people trust me with their children?

   Last night I picked up my little Ivy Love. And discovered that I swear entirely too much. We were driving home and as I mentioned before I live where there is constant construction so coming home the lanes are so messed up no one knows which way to go. Add to that the digging machines were kicking up so much dirt that you could barely see the car in front of you.

   Suddenly a truck comes out of the dirt, in my lane, headed right for us. I managed to swerve onto the shoulder so he missed us but apparently as my heart was exploding and I was peeing my pants I must have said, "What the fuck was that?!"

   When the blood stopped pounding in my ears I hear, from that little voice in the backseat, "What the fuck was that?" Now the pronunciation wasn't perfect but the inflection was exactly the same as mine.

   I quickly turned around and said, " I'm sorry Ivy, that's not a nice word, we don't say that." Then I proceeded to drive home.

  Getting Ivy out of the car I hit my head, as I always do, and I said "Ow, shit!"  Once in the house Ivy dropped her cup, what did she say? "Oh shit" Once again I put on my best frowny face, " Ivy, that's not a nice word, we don't say that."

  Later I was telling Mo about Ivy repeating me in the car and Ivy overheard, she says "Mom!" - yes she calls me Mom sometimes, the Princess is too busy to remember the names of all the peasants who serve her. I said, " Whatcha want baby?" And my little Ivy Love put on her best frowny face and said " Don't say it!" Of course I laughed my ass off.

   A little while later when the dog stole Ivy's cookie she once again said " Oh shit" Again I gave her the frowny face, but before I could say anything she gave me that little dimpled smile and said " Don't say it!" So I laughed.

  I think she was encouraged by my laughter because then she started doing this cute little hopping, skipping kind of dance in a circle, while shaking her head and saying " Shit, shit, don't say it! Shit, don't say it! Shit, don't say it!" Until she tumbled to the floor laughing hysterically.

  What could I do? I gave her another cookie.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

To coupon or not. That is the question

    

   I have good intentions. About twice a year I decide I'll start using coupons and save a crap load of money and take an exotic vacation and be interviewed on Oprah about how I traveled the world on 50 cent off coupons.
   Side note- since I'm easily distracted. Why is there a dollar sign on my keyboard but no little cent symbol? Hmmmm?  Who decided we all have dollars and no cents?
   Back to the reason I'm here. I've decided to start SAVING MONEY!!! Yes, that is exactly what it looks like in my head when I  think about it. Sunday I bought the paper, I dutifully cut out all the coupons and stuck them in an envelope. Today when the sales circulars came out I found a website that will not only tell me what is the best deal, but will also tell me where to find coupons for said deal.
   They make this so easy. I'm armed with a list that I printed off that handy dandy little website, my coupon envelope and a plan.
    Please don't remind me that I don't cook, I'm still excited about the possibility of SAVING MONEY!!!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Don't look in the cabinets.

  I consider myself an organized person. Ask me for anything, I can put my hands on it in under five minutes. Birth certificates, immunization records, insurance paperwork, Mo's second grade report card. I know where it all is, at all times.

 The flip side of being super organized is that I'm also a tremendous piler. I know it seems like the two of those things would be at odds but if you don't have time to put it away correctly then you should set it aside until you have time to do it right.


  This happens frequently. I have a pile of papers on my desk that need to be filed. My hall closet seems to collect everything that doesn't have a home, and it's huge so after a while it gets very scary. Don't even get me started on the kitchen cabinets. There are cabinets that I don't let anyone else open because they don't know quite how to shove their hip in as they open the door so everything doesn't come tumbling out at them.

 I have lived in this house for two and a half years. Mo and I moved from a two bedroom apartment into this four bedroom house with a basement and the hoarding gremlins are taking over. The sad part is that I'm a purger. Anytime I'm stressed I purge, I load the car and take everything I can fit in there to the local thrift store, still my cabinets overflow.

  My kitchen was someones really bad idea. It's poorly designed and has almost no usable cabinets. The ones that are actually usable are organized, the others are nightmares. Why am I telling you this? I'm hoping to embarrass myself into cleaning these out.

  Maybe I'll go buy some cute baskets and organize these freaking cabinets. Or maybe I'll just take a bubble bath.

Monday, September 20, 2010

It's always something.....

  On Sunday I rode my bike to the grocery store. Earth shattering news, I know. My neighborhood is still on lock down and I need some ricotta cheese for my lasagna.

 
 Unfortunately for me, and everyone who knows me, I'm one of THOSE people. You know the ones, by golly if life gives me lemons I'm going to make lemonade and share it with my friends!

  If I can't drive to the store, I'll ride my bike. I was excited, do my shopping and exercise at the same time. Look at me! Multi tasking! I felt oh so very European riding my bike to the store. How fun! Isn't this great! Not only am I getting exercise but I'm saving the planet.

I thought I was gonna die! ( which makes me think of Rosanne Rosannadana every time I say it) I bought my bike two years ago and the two of us are only faintly acquainted, but still, anyone can ride a bike.


I am usually fairly active, this summer however, I have been a sloth. No exercising, no walking, very little yard work. I only got off the couch to refill my wine glass. Riding a bike after being sedimentary for months is not a good idea.


 I am also a smoker, I know, I know, I've been trying to quit forever, not working out, yet! So I rode my bike approximately 11 million miles to the store, ( it was only two, but still) when I got there I was afraid.

My thighs were burning, my lungs were screaming and my girlie bits were ready to go on strike in spite of the expensive seat on my bike. How in the hell am I gonna get home?

 I pulled my bike up to the bike lock thingy and looked longingly at the air conditioned grocery store. I wanted to be in there so badly but I wasn't sure my legs could support my weight. I held onto the bike for a very long time after I got off of it, willing the muscles in my legs to come back.

Eventually I was able to walk into the store. I walked around much longer than was necessary trying to pep talk myself into getting back on that bike. I almost called Mo to come get me. What's a little driving through someones yard when your mother is in need?

 I got back on that bike and talked to  myself through the whole ride home, I can do this, I can do this. I have to admit on my other shoulder was my evil twin reminding me that I was going to die a slow and painful death for putting her though this.

 I was almost home when I go to the LDS church. There was a young woman leaving church on her bike. Church dress and all. As she rode away, purple dress flapping in the wind I could hear the music from Wizard of Oz, you know, when the witch is on her bike. So I laughed the rest of the way home.

 Now here is Rosanne Rosannadanna telling you why you should never quit smoking or exercise. I love her!
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=23764926

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Baby Blues, 17 years later

  I'm feeling a little melancholy today. No, it has nothing to do with the wine I'm drinking. I'm only drinking that because my ass hurts. My ass hurts because I did yard work today, I trimmed bushes and trees and pulled more weeds than I thought one yard could grow, and that is why my ass hurts, therefore, I must drink wine.

  Back to my melancholyness ( Is that even a word?) I think I've discovered why I'm fighting so hard against the changing of the seasons. This was the last summer Mo would be a child!!

  I want time to slow down, move a little backwards, if at all possible. Each season stretching out endlessly before me to enjoy and savor. This is the year that my baby is hurrying to get behind her. She is rushing headlong into adulthood and I'm standing at the door, her jacket still in my hands wondering what the hell happened.

  Please can we slow this down. I want to remember every day of this year. I want to make amazing memories. I want to laugh more and worry less.

  Why didn't I enjoy Mo's childhood more. I wish we had finger painted more, sang more silly, made up songs, played in the mud more, got dirty, ate more cookies, read more stories, snuggled more.



  Instead I did what I think all mothers do in one way or another, I wished it away.
          I can't wait until she sleeps through the night, holds her bottle, feeds herself, walks, talks, dresses herself, goes to school, reads to herself, ties her shoes, the list goes on and on.

    I wasn't trying to wish it away. I kept thinking as she was more independent and able to do for herself, I would be able to enjoy her more. That day never came. I was too caught up in being a Mom. Eat your vegetables, do your homework, clean your room, no, you can't wear just your underwear outside to play. I can't play Barbies right now I am- cleaning the house, cooking dinner, reading, watching TV, working on this quilt, too tired.

  I want a do over. I want to feel that warm squiggly little kid on my lap, smell her neck, kiss her chubby checks, hold her sticky hands. Does everyone feel like this? I only have one child and I feel like I've missed so much. How do women do it with 2,3,4 even 7?

  Mo and I are both typical Type A personalities, over achieving perfectionists who have too many irons in the fire at all times and know that if we want something done right we have to do it ourselves. We are constantly running, I see my baby girl at night when she comes into my room to talk to me when she gets home from a date, work, school activity, whatever.

  Can I lay in a hammock with my baby and count the stars? I want to listen to her "when I grow ups" again. Most of all I want to figure out how in the hell the past 17 years flew by and why I didn't pay more attention.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

The Land Under Construction

Today I drew you a picture, just like in kindergarten. Why? Because thanks to the State of Utah's construction wizards, I am stuck in my home.




Yes, I really am that awesome with the little paint thingy on my computer.  I love my neighborhood, Loopy Land, and one of the reasons I love it is there is only one street in, that's Loopy Lane, it comes in, loops around and goes back out. We are very self contained, almost elitist, and we like it that way. Unfortunately that means there is only one way to the Hummingbird house.

  That fancy little purple square, that's what my house would look like from space, if the roof was purple. Back in July they put those flashing signs on West Street, which runs directly behind my house, and is the only way to Loopy Lane,. The signs said West Street would be closed from July 21st to July 28th. No big deal, right?

  The first day I came home using North Street and entered Loopy Lane, they were digging up the road directly behind my house. Ok, still no problem. As the summer has worn on they have moved south down West Street and it remains closed from the south. Still not a big deal.

  I have to tell you that North Street has been under construction for five years now. A two mile stretch of road, and it's still under construction. I could have paved it with Lego's, on my hands and knees. The construction on North Street is now at the intersection of North and West Streets, in the past this has not been a problem because I could access West street from South Street. Not anymore.

  So I come home from work and find that I cannot turn onto West Street from North Street. WTF? How am I supposed to get home. I didn't think about it too long because I really had to pee so I jumped a few curbs and cut through some guys back yard, and made it home. Not sure when I can ever leave again, guess it's a good thing after all that I bought all that case lot food.

Friday, September 17, 2010

When did this happen?


Fall is in the air. Yes, I realize it's the middle of September and the rest of the world has happily embraced the cooler temperatures, new school clothes and changing leaves, but I'm dragging my feet.

It's time I joined the fall party. We have had night time temperatures in the 40's and Mo had asked me several times why I refuse to turn on the furnace.

I mumble something about getting it inspected and needing a new filter but the real reason is I'm not ready. I was just warming up to summer, turning on the furnace means admitting it's gone.

Not gonna do it. I still have plans for this summer. I have a bikini I haven't worn, farmers tans I want to get and tomatoes I want to eat, fresh from the garden.

I'm a little behind but this weekend I will be working to catch up. The scarecrow will be under the tree, the fall wreath on the door and I'll caulk the stupid windows.

Maybe I'll wear my bikini while I decorate the house for fall. It's gotta be done, might as well enjoy it, and provide another excuse for the missionaries to steer clear of my house.

Who are these people?


Sometimes you just have to ask yourself- is anyone really that stupid?

When I call the doctors office the recording says " If this is a life threatening emergency, hang up and dial 911"- I always call my gynecologists office when I cut off a limb or something.

Tag on my blow dryer says "Do not use while bathing"- this takes multi tasking to a whole new level.

I dialed a wrong number today, the recorded message said " If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please hang up and try your number again." When would you not reach that recording in error? Is anyone so lonely they actually dial a wrong number to listen to the recording?

A package of light bulbs carries the following warning " Bulb will become hot during use." Seriously?

And my new vacuum even tells me " Put the vacuum away after every use to prevent tripping accidents."

It's a slow night, I'm painting Christmas presents and reading labels in between coats. Right now my life should carry a warning " Repeated exposure may cause you to die of boredom."

Thursday, September 16, 2010

You've gone too far Billy Ray!!!


Driving to work today I hear on the radio that Billy Ray Cyrus and his son Trace are going to be doing a reality TV show about paranormal events and conspiracy theories. It's going to be called: UFO: Unbelievably Freakin' Obvious. it you don't believe me just check out Billy Ray's wikipedia page. Say it ain't so Billy Ray!

Sadly, it's not only so, it gets even worse, of course I had to google it, stealthily at work because there is a conspiracy to limit my social media activity, and over at On The Red Carpet I found the following information:

"The pair will embark on cross-country trips and use "important data" Trace’s best friend, "Silent Franky," digs up on his computer in his parent's basement to "crack the government code surrounding a wide range of potential cover-ups, from political controversies to the existence of alleged creatures to eerie occurrences that have long been in question."

I'm afraid there is a tear in my beer, Billy Ray, cause I'm crying over you! I loved you with a mullet and your Achy Breaky Heart, I loved you and Hannah Montana, although thanks to that show and several years of teasing Mo may never forgive me for her name.

But really? Reality TV? About paranormal events and conspiracies? I just don't know you anymore Billy Ray. I forgave you for the mullet, Miley's purity pledge, which made me throw up in my mouth a little, but I'm afraid this time you've gone to far.

I can no longer hitch my horse to your wagon and hold my head up high. Come back from the dark side Billy Ray, back into the light, you know the way, you even wrote a song about it.

I want my mullet back.
My ol' Camero, an' my eight-track.
Fuzzy dice hangin' loose an' proud.
ZZ Top, they're playin' loud.
A simple time, that's what I miss.
Your mini-skirt an' your sweet kiss.
Things are changin' man, an' that's a fact.
I want my mullet back.


Now I must go block Billy Ray's twitter account- he needs to know how mad I am about this silliness. Besides, Aunt Becky said it was a good idea, and I always do what she says.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The birth heard 'round the hospital

Women are fascinated with birth stories, especially when we are pregnant. We will listen to horror stories about 48 hour labors and huge babies all while envisioning our own serene birth experience. At least I did anyway. I was sure those women had a hard time because they were whiners, liked to complain, weren't in control, you name it, because I knew that wasn't going to happen to me.

I was going to give birth surrounded by mood lighting and soft music, never breaking a sweat or smearing my make up and my delightful newborn was going to come gurgling happily into the world, already potty trained.

Then I woke up. I think all birth stories should be the same- PAIN, PAIN, PAIN, and a baby with a head the size of a cannon ball pees, poops and throws up on you, all at the same time, forever and ever, the end.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea, I absolutely adore Mo and being her Mom is the greatest gift I could have ever received, but did she really need to push her way into the world using my girlie bits as a portal?

Most of the time when I tell people my birth story they call me a sissy and tell me I had it easy. What the freak ever!

It all started exactly as I had pictured, there was no pain, I was practically running laps around the hospital when the doctor told me to walk for an hour. This is gonna be a piece of cake- nothing hurts- life is good.

I was doing perfectly fine, not feeling any pain until the doctor decided I needed pitocin, lots and lots of pitocin, then suddenly I was kicking nurses, screaming and arching up off the bed like I was having Rosemary's baby!

It's too late for an epidural. Exactly what in the hell does that mean? Too late to wake up the anesthesiologist? Cause as long as I'm feeling pain, it's not too late. But that is what the wonderful doctor said and no one would give me drugs. I begged, I cried, I promised to never do it again if they would just please, sweet Mary mother of Jesus- give me a fucking epidural! No dice.

I realize I was only in labor for 45 minutes but we all know time is relative. 45 minutes spent lying on a beach passes in a heartbeat. 45 minutes spent trying to expel a human being from your body lasts about 27 years.

I had my support team, baby's Daddy, my mother and my mother-in-law, all there to help welcome Mo into the world. I wanted them dead. Don't touch me, don't look at me, don't talk to me, stop breathing. Someone rub my back right now, don't touch me, rub my back, don't touch me, why won't you rub my back? I think my head may have been spinning around at that point.

Finally the doctor said I could push, all I remember is the nurse telling me not to push with my face, I had no idea what she was talking about, she told me to be quiet I was scaring the other patients, so I kicked her. I wanted her dead too. Then the doctor told me to stop pushing, Mo was face up and I think he was trying to turn her but I couldn't have stopped pushing if my life depended on it. Mo was like a freight train, she saw the light and was going for it.

Then suddenly, my vagina no longer hurt and the doctor was holding my daughter up for me to see for the first time. All I could think was "Thank God that thing is out of me."

I think I must have temporarily lost my hearing because I never heard Mo cry although everyone said she did. When they handed her to me she was wrapped up like a little baby burrito. I knew in that instant what everyone meant when they said you have no idea how much you can love another human being until you have a baby, because the first time I looked at her I felt like my heart was so big I could no longer breathe.

I started crying, I loved her so. I looked at my little red baby with the head full of black hair and said, "I hope you don't mind being an only child because Mommy is never doing that dumb shit again."

Then when her Daddy bent down to kiss her I started crying harder because I realized she looked like a troll, a cute troll, but a troll none the less.

Lots of sunshine and roses and mood music there, let me tell you. By the next day I was convinced she was the most beautiful baby in the world and the smartest, there wasn't anything my baby couldn't do. I completely forgot I thought she looked like a troll until her newborn pictures came in the mail and as cute as they were I had to laugh at my beautiful little troll baby.

This time 18 years ago I was going through the IVF process that would bring Mo to us. I can honestly say, she was worth every bit of it.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

PINT I work in hell

That One Mom









It's happened... I've become a Utahn!!!


First I want to say, I love Utah, I love living here and I think it's been a wonderful place to raise Mo. I also think that one of the reasons this place is so wonderful is because of the Mormons.

Now having said that, I gotta tell you, those Mormons are a strange bunch, and I'm not just talking about the liquor laws and baptizing the dead. They believe in being prepared. Not your garden variety boy scout preparedness, I'm talking about end of the world, Armageddon preparedness.

I'm from Maryland, their state motto should be "We are never prepared" because every time the weatherman says they are going to get a couple inches of snow, if you don't make it to the grocery store with 30 minutes of that newscast, your family has no bread, milk or toilet paper for a week.

The first winter I lived in Utah when they were calling for snow I did what any good Baltimoron would do, I went to the store. It was freaking empty! My lucky day! I ran around willy nilly throwing things in my cart, giggling at my good fortune. The next day at work I was telling everyone about my luck the night before. They didn't understand, why would you go to the store because its going to snow? Don't you have FOOD STORAGE?

What, you mean like, extra food that you are not actively eating right now? Who does that? Well, I got an education that day. You see, these women don't need to buy milk, they have powdered milk in the basement. Bread? They can make their own, and they have the stuff, IN THE HOUSE, at any time to do it! Neighbors don't ever need to borrow a cup of sugar, they have at least 25 pounds in the basement.

I was freaking amazed. These people are prepared. Most of them have a room in their basement that is wall to wall shelving, filled with- FOOD! You know what's in my basement? The stuff that doesn't fit in the garage.

When the end of the world was coming at the end of 1999 I thought maybe I should be prepared. I had a little bookshelf in the basement and it had our survival kit on it- flashlight, tampons, band aids, granola bars and some juice no one liked. Glad it wasn't the end o the world, you can only live on tampons and granola bars for so long.

Anyway, for the past week or so I've been hearing ads for "caselot sales". All the stores are having them! Stock up now! Save money! So Sunday morning I woke up early, grabbed my debit card and headed to the stores.

Four hours and $200 later I stood in my basement and thought "Who is gonna eat all this shit?" It's important to point out here- I don't cook. So I have no idea what was going through my head as I bought 24 cans of tomato sauce, 12 cans of chili, 24 cans of kidney beans, green beans, corn, black beans, instant mashed potatoes, stuffing, 5-40 oz bottles of ketchup, enough pasta to feed an Italian family of 5 for a year,10 jars of peanut butter, diced tomatoes, chicken broth, sauerkraut,rice, tomato soup, 12 boxes of cake mix and 48 cans of tuna fish. There was no method to my madness, I bought whatever they had on SALE!

I guess if the end of the world comes we can eat green bean and tuna fish sandwiches, except we still don't have any bread, or toilet paper. Guess I better go back to the store.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Smelling Weed with Willey


Once again I went to my favorite place for a concert, Red Butte totally rocks! Joyce and I thought since it was Willey Nelson and all the seating is general admission it would probably be best if we camped out overnight.

Thursday evening we went up with a tent, sleeping bags, chairs, warm clothes and lots of alcohol. It was a great night, we made some new friends and spent a lot of time peeing in the bushes. The security guard told us to be careful there had been a mountain lion sighting, we never saw her.

Joyce was worried that everyone would think we were lesbians and wonder what we were doing in the tent, her daughter told her it all depends on what shoes you wear!

I'm not sure what it says about me that I camped out to watch a 77 year old pot head sing, but it was a blast. I jokingly told my daughter I was going there to smoke weed with Willy.

We did not smoke weed with Willy although we were right in front, someone else did and we could smell it so Joyce dubbed it our "Smelling weed with Willy" night.

A good time was had by all, my P.I.C. was there, making me laugh- she brought an aluminum water bottle filled with her favorite mixed drink and on the bottle it said "I'd do me" then she bit my butt in front of my boss. That woman is freaking hilarious!

I am so fortunate to be surrounded by such wonderful women!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Wine makes you young- Dr. Oz said so

I'm a fan of Dr. Oz. Seriously, who hasn't spend their entire life following that yellow brick road? Ok, I know he's not THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ, but I've discovered he's a really, really smart guy.

I'm never one to jump on the TV talk show doctor wagon. Dr. Phil, really? But Dr. Oz, he's pretty cool, and his books have pictures.

I'm addicted to the YOU series, I have them all, You Staying Young, You on a Diet, You Being Beautiful, You an Owners Manual, You Are One Hot Momma, ok, I made the last one up but I think it's a good idea for his next book.

I am currently re-reading You Staying Young and believe it or not, I've got this stuff down. Dr. Oz is just reinforcing what I already know- red wine is the shit! He even says so no fewer than 10 times in this one book.

He explains it all, some thing in the wine turns on genes that help you stay young. All I care about is a doctor said "Drink wine and you will be young and beautiful" No need to read anymore, this is one beauty secret I can live with, besides when I turned the page there was something about rectal tampons and I decided that even if he does know about wine he just might be a little on the weird side.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

I'm expanding my horizons.....

I love writing. All writing but this blog brings me so much happiness. The fact that all three of you read it and leave me delicious little comments is more than I could ever have hoped for!
I follow some amazing blogs, and one of them is Kludgy Mom, not only is she my kind of mom but she has information, that she readily shares with those of us not in the know.
I am not completely computer illiterate but mostly, I am. My friend Kathryn had to show me how to do those little linky things that I think are so very cool now. She also taught me to twitter. That sounds dirty but I promise, it wasn't at all!
Anyway, now I have bloggy homework and am learning how to do all kinds of cool things. One of those things was to set up a facebook fan page, it all sounds so very vain, but I'm liking it. I feel like I am making my mark on the internet. After all, who doesn't want to read about wine, bad dates, crazy teenagers and the awesome friends who help me survive?
So, if you wanna be my fan-did those words actually come out of the end of my fingers?- you can click the little linky thing on the side and there is my page. I don't really know what to do with it yet but I'm sure as soon as I do, you will be the first to know.
On a completely unrelated note, the wood glue holding my kitchen chairs together is fighting the good fight, but I'm not giving up on it, I've got the teenage boys helping now so before you know it, I'll have freshly painted chairs!
What a week its been already.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Lazy or inspirational Monday?

I'm off today, thank you Labor Day! I've been puttering around the house. I love to create things, quilts, afghans, something new out of something old.

I am in the process of redoing some things I bought to make lovely Christmas presents. This requires a bit of paint and some mod podge. I'll let you know how it goes later.

As I was painting these lovely wooden things I started looking at my kitchen table and chairs. Now this lovely kitchen set was purchased at the local thrift store for the princely sum of 40 bucks. I'm thinking they could be so much more. I've already disassembled a chair, with my little Ivy Love's help, she just loves hitting things with a hammer, and she's a pretty good wiper after you've sanded too.

Later, after Ivy Love's nap, I'm thinking a trip to the hardware store for some wood glue and putty. I have big dreams for these chairs.

I started thinking, wouldn't it be lovely if I could do things like this all day, everyday? A little seed has been planted. Don't get me wrong, I love what I currently do, the people I work with are fantastic and my hours are the best. But, what if.....

What if I could get up every morning and create? Make something beautiful that someone would love? What if, I could work anytime, anywhere, making one of a kind things that display the personality of the recipient?

I will show you pictures of the Christmas gifts, later, those who will receive them read my blog and I can't give away Santa's secrets! In the meantime just know, the wheels are turning....

I think it's time for a change. I'm tired of always feeling like I'm chasing. Chasing money to pay the bills, chasing recognition for a job well done, chasing someone to share my life.

Now that Mo is mostly grown it's time to slow down and do what I love. I've never been much for expensive homes or cars. My happiness is found in people, not things. I'm researching, trying to see what can be, if I pursue my dream.

I'll let you know what happens.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

My talents are legend....


This weekend I decided to have a cookout and invite all the people I love. Lots of yummy food, great company and just enough alcohol to season the night.

I worked diligently preparing all day, chicken, sausage, potatoes, squash, plus plenty of hamburgers and hot dogs for the kids.

I chopped and marinated a ton of veggies, squash, onions, green peppers, mushrooms and potatoes for the foil packet dinners, lettuce, tomatoes and onions for the hamburgers and hot dogs.

I made incredible cupcakes, filled with cream cheese and chocolate chips. I was also going to make a jello poke cake, lemon, lemon, lemon! How hard can it be, cake mix, jello and frost it with pudding. The lemon sounded so refreshing on a hot summer day.

I had a major jello fail. How can this be? I live in Utah, the jello capital of the world, and I fail at jello.

I bought lemon jello and lemon pudding. After the cake was in the oven I started to make the pudding so it would set up in time to frost the cake with it. Measure the milk, pour in the powder and whisk away.

It's not getting thick, isn't pudding supposed to thicken, at least a little while you are whisking? This did not. I was wondering how I managed to buy defective pudding when I noticed the box of pudding sitting on the counter, right where the box of jello was supposed to be.

Apparently I poured the jello powder into the milk instead of the pudding powder. Does not work the same. No refreshing lemon poke cake because although my talents are legend, making jello is not one of them.